10 important factoids about me
i’m pretty sure “important factoid” is an oxymoron. fuck it, the title stays.
here are 10 important factoids about your punker:
1. i dislike the serial comma. the less punctuation, the better. punctuation just slows everything down. and formalizes shit. i write like i talk and the only time i pause is when i go into an absinthe trance. (although the tilda~ might be good punctuation to represent that.)
2. i used to be a catholic, a bartender and a smoker. not all at once. well i did smoke with my bestie in the cemetary while attending catholic grade school. anyhussy, the only one of the three that i miss is smoking. i just pray for one month’s notice before i die, so i can smoke my motherfucking ass off.
3. i always take the biggest, cheesiest slice of pizza. i have no qualms when it comes to my pizza. i’ll cut a bogarting bitch.
4. i don’t think farts, pirates or dane cook are funny. chances are you do but you should know that shit is not universal. and i won’t fake laugh or crack a crooked smile for it either.
5. i stockpile xanax just in case it all becomes too unbearable. if my daughter dies or i get a horrible disease, i don’t want to live through it. i NEED control in this. sorry for the heavy, but that’s the way my brain works. i consider it forward-thinking and good planning. also, i think i’m pretty clever outsmarting my doc to write me multiple scrips (i tell him they’re for the pms rage and no doc argues with that) and i get my insurance company to pay for them. you’re welcome.
6. i’m not a lesbian but i like to flirt with girls. especially foxy girls who give good blog like a vapid blonde, buggin word and wicked shawn.
7. i always liked yoko ono. even when everyone else blamed her for breaking up the beatles. not that i was alive then. okay maybe i was but i’m sure it was only for minutes. she makes good art. for realz. and this is one of my favorite songs that john lennon wrote about her.
8. speaking of music, this is my favorite love song of all time.
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)
9. i may or may not have tried heroin. but i if i had, i would have snorted it because it would have been the 80s and needles–aids… no thanks. and if i had tried it i would have really liked the euphoria and heroin-sex but not the vomiting all night.
10. i think the jolly rancher should sell bags of the watermelon flavor 0nly. i don’t care for the grape, cherry or blue rasberry ones. and i hate the sour apple ones. this is a huge miss on the jolly rancher’s part.
what’s an important factoid i should know about you?
patty, i have to completely disagree with you on the yoko thing. i believe she is a talentless hack who is still riding on the coattails of her immensely talented husband. just listen to side two of double fantasy and it says it all. and i totally agree with the sour apple jolly rancher – they taste like a violent hurl.
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I don’t know if we can be grammatical friends if you don’t like serial commas, but I do like the idea of a tilda as the signifier for an absinthe trance.
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I was cursed (or blessed?) with a strict, private school English teacher, so I always use my commas. Forgive me? My farts are totally funny. My husband’s are not. Heroin- I have tried just about everything but. I hate throwing up. I always eat the most pizza.
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Do you remember the peach flavor of jolly rancher? That was the best one. Then it went the way of the light brown m&m and my childhood got a little bit sadder.
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marymac Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Dude. I can’t believe you pulled out the light brown M&M card and now I am crying, too.
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You should know…….I may be calling you for some of that xanax if the shit ever really hits the fan around here. So…stay close!
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Charles Darwin specifically intends that I go for the biggest slice of pizza haha.
OH Gosh, Dane Cook! Not funny….I liked him for approx 2-3 months then the walls came tumbling down.
I also used to be Catholic, Church was so boring I had to think of creative ways in my mind to entertain myself ~ Like trying to piece together all the evidence in such a way that it looks like OJ didn’t do it….
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yeah, def on disliking dane cook. unless you are a fist-pumping, high-fiving frat boy, what’s there to like about him? another talentless hack.
along with the largest slice of pizza, i love greasy fries that can hold a lot of blood pressure charging salt doused with lots of malt vinegar. keep the ketchup away unless they are cold, dry and lifeless
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Ok, important factoid about me, I am sure I never did acid, thought there were tiny people living in my wall having sex, called my boyfriend, insisted he came to my apartment, layed there giggling and encouraging the tiny people in the wall to keep at it. Only to have my boyfriend inform me once he arrived that there were no tiny people in my wall, that would be my neighbors I was listening to, thankfully I am certainly not the kind of Wicked girl who would ever have done a thing like that. *bats eyelashes innocently*
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I, too, stockpile xanax. Although I do take it when I fly but I don’t think it does any good. I use it to trade for other (better) pharmaceuticals with friends who prefer my xanax.
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I love This Must Be The Place…never got to see Talking Heads, but finally saw David Byrne on the last tour…great great show.
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patty punker Reply:
May 29th, 2010 at 3:25 am
i love you for loving this song. i’m easy like that.
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skullboy – i meant yoko’s artwork (avant garde installations and paintings) not her music, but i respect that she embraces multimedia. “violent hurl” that good!
krisis- i think one balances the other, so we remain grammatical friends.
carrie – omg, my husband’s farts, don’t remind me. bleccchh
elly – peach flavor? i feel deprived not knowing this. and what ever happened to the razzle dazzle. first it’s a gum, then it’s a candy?
linda – i got your back always.
african legend – me-you pizza. bring it! and yes catholic church was good for the imagination. anything to think about except listening to that nonsense.
skullboy- love it: fist-pumping, high-fiving frat boy indeed! but don’t you mix your vinegar with my chips. i’m a salt and ketchup girl.
wicked – you were had. i was tiny once and running a brothel for tiny people in your wall. it was jumping! so don’t you believe otherwise.
betty – barter system! i knew i loved you!
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That fucker!! He lied to me about so many other things, I should have known he was lying to me about that too. Bwahahaha!! Besides, those two were totally not capable of the type of sex noises that were coming from the tiny people in my wall.
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wicked – i just love your spunk. tiny dancers rule!
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My factoid is that I like oxymorons because it makes the regular morons not feel so stupid.
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@patty punker
*wailing at the top of my lungs* HOLD ME CLOSE YOUNG TONY DANZA! *deep breath* COUNT THE SHAWNS ALONG THE HIGHWAY! *plays air drums* LAY HER DOWN IN SHEETS OF LATEX!
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omawarisan – i’ve seen the heads, david byrne and tom tom club. it all just makes me want to dance my ass off.
linlah – good, then you like the title!
elly – tony danza! bwahahahaha.
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I was absolutely convinced that I was being haunted by Joan Crawford, Betty Page, Karen Carpenter, and Judy Garland when I was younger. Now, I am only particularly afraid of Joan Crawford. The thought of her absolutely horrifies me.
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I have been kissed my Courtney Love Cobain while I may have or may not have been high on heroin but I am pretty sure she was .. back in 1994.
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First…*big wet open mouthed blog kiss*
Second…Naive Melody? our *first dance* at my wedding.
Third…I have it on good authority that Yoko is a really cool lady (The Dish and his dad have met her and been inside The Dakota… or maybe it was just his dad, I can’t remember)
Lastly, peach jolly ranchers are the bomb and I do like almost all of the flavors. Grape sucks!
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Elly Lou Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Is it going to be a big wet open mouthed peach flavored blog kiss? If so, I want in.
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patty punker Reply:
May 28th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
it’s a peach pie orgy.
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smashley – you poor girl. you need a bodyguard.
kissy – so jeal!
vapid – yummy, thank you for the big kiss. i remember when you blip.fm’d naive melody on twitter. that’s when we first started talking and became friends. too cool about the dish and his dad meeting yoko.
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Totally with ya on number 4. On a recent motorcycle run (with me on the back) the gentleman I was with had beans at the bbq. Long ride home. Full face helmets do not block farts.
Important factoid about me? I had a fake ID at 18, drank and partied enough for several lifetimes, but didn’t graduate drinking and partying school for many more years. It never ceases to amaze me what the human body can endure. Now I’m an annoying health nut. With a really bad sweet tooth.
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patty punker Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
kernut – EEEEEwwww. i hate farts.
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Anything having to do with bodily functions is NOT funny. It shouldn’t even be recognized. Even just saying it. BODILY. yuck. FUNCTIONS. gross. And I would go function all over the place but Elly has me thinking about peach flavored stuff, so that’s good news.
One thing about me is that I walk around with a permanent exclamation point above my head. A huge one!!!!!!!! A big bold helvetica ! that exclaims everything I’m thinking… although when I talk I’m totally chill. This is the result of heroin-sex… totally over-rated and sooo 1994.
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patty punker Reply:
May 28th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
oh peaches, please don’t go function all over the place.
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#3….last sentence made me laugh out loud and spit out my coffee. OK, maybe it was because I farted, but either way, I laughed. (Are you smiling at all? Or are you scowling through the screen at me?)
#9….Hmm……..I’m processing. Very smart.
#5….Oh please, I live with freakin’ worry every day. Knock on wood.
And there’s your first factoid about me. I’m totally superstitious. Got that from my Indian father.(The country) My mother’s a white girl Yankee. I play music for a living, but trying to be a writer and biz owner. Yeah, I like to pick shit that doesn’t pay anything. I’m allergic to bread.
I like your style! Have a great long weekend. I’m off to the beach for a few days, after coaching a few baseball games. More facts than you wanted to know. I could keep going……but I see that you’re now snoring. Later!
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patty punker Reply:
May 28th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
you did not really make a fart joke here. *glaring at you* i’ll forgive you because you play music for a living. enjoy the beach. happy summer!
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Girl…. Sour apple Jolly Ranchers are yummy! WTF?
And I liked this post. No apologies for not liking Dane Cook (I think he’s horrible), but still cute though. Yummie
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patty punker Reply:
May 28th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
not yummy, but you are.
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Oh Yoko…great tune but my fav is Mother, whatever about yoko breakin up the Beatles, they were awesome and the legacy lives on……agree on the Watermelon JR’s, Heroin ….hmmmm too much negative hype has kept me from that one….Farts are fucking hilarious ….what are you crazy ?
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patty punker Reply:
May 29th, 2010 at 3:17 am
you had me at mother! awesome fucking song. and lost me at farts.
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Great post – great read! I think will do something similar on my blog.
I agree on lots of stuff, though have to admit that I enjoy creative punctuation, farts do make me laugh, especially big farts from small dogs. Just saying…
Fact about me? Worry obsessively about weight and exercise, more than I should. Love pizza and ice cream and obsessive runner. A mass – and mess – of contradictions….
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brahm – thanks! let me know when you do this on your blog!
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Important Factoid about me? I am totally random and unpredictable. It leads to some scary conversations and amazing adventures. Although you’d never know it, reading my blog. Ha.
Dane Cook is totally ugly, pirates are WAY overrated, and fart jokes are just for people who don’t know how to be funny for reals.
I like your no punctuation rambling style, although I totally overuse commas because something about them makes me happy, I view them as semi-smile. Weird but true.
I will have to check back and read your past entries when my Babysaur isn’t hanging onto my leg, demanding we build block castles that take over the entire living room.
~bounce out~
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patty punker Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 4:19 pm
i can tell that we are going to be friends.
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J Reply:
June 2nd, 2010 at 5:38 am
I hope so. Reading back through your most recent posts, I feel like I may have found my long lost sister who curses as much as I do.
Awesomesauce.
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You beat me to it. Just stopping by to say hey. Hope you had a fun weekend.
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patty punker Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 4:25 pm
awesome weather!
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1. absinthe? dude, i’m in.
2. anyhussy? funniest word ever.
3. not making this up (my random factoid, I guess, tho lame): my ‘ambition’ in the high school yearbook was ‘to be the cheese on the pizza of life’- because? CHEEEEEESE!
4. But the Dane Cook CATHOLIC sketch (Christ Chex) IS really funny.
5. Xanax stock? IS good planning.
6. totally agree with your foxy blog list!
7. WATERMELON JOLLY RANCHERS. WATERMELON JOLLY RANCHERS. Are they on twitter? i bet we could make this happen.
And finally?
8. Thanks for stopping by today and leaving that comment that made me smile when I’ve been pretty much in a fetal position since I hit ‘publish.’
You? Rock.
xo
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patty punker Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 4:23 pm
i love you hard. let’s make watermelon jolly ranchers the it candy, the new black and more popular than lady g.
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I know I’m late to the party here.. so sue me. Couldn’t resist jumping on the Dane Cook hate wagon zzzzzz. Factoid about me: I know there are people in my back seat…even when I know there’s no one there. Maybe I’m confusing the different planes of perception I’m living on? You’re an inspiration to us all you little lovable punkster.
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you’re just fashionable. and uber cool.
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Love the list! I LOL @ the use of the word “bogarting” in the context of cheese pizza. I don’t find pirates funny either. I just assume they are smelly. Smelly people are not funny in my world. They are just… smelly. I AM THE BIGGEST FLIRT (after you of course… LOL) in the world and I will flirt with just about anybody except those who expect to be flirted with. Does this make sense? When I am not being shy. I am one of those closeted introverts being saved by the Interweb and more specifically, the blogging world. I am a dork. A geek. And as blind as a bat without my contact lenses.
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patty punker Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 2:41 am
we are BFFs. i too was saved the interwebz. it gave me voice. otherwise i was painfully shy with a fucking battlefield in my head. you’re adorakable, sugar pie.
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1 you have to breath sometime, or go to the bathroom.
2 I do smoke, stopped drinking (mostly) when my daughter was born, and I should find something to believe in (Besides myself)
3 No dead animal on my pizza? here you have it
4 As long as germs and worms live in our bodies,it is all a part on nature ( or natural)
sooooo I would say you should laugh at it. trying to stop it could harm you, and hating it may shorten your life.
5 I live this way expect the worst, hope for the best. Rush Limbaugh lied when he said they were all for him, and John Delorean still doesn’t know how all that got into the his warehouse (wink wink).we all give our life for living life (born to die) the best we can hope for is a good memory of us (friends family remember better moments of our life) hope what we are taught and teach are good ( bad things happen to bad people) drugs cloud our minds and put up walls from reality (later we must climb over) live life for the moment,have fun shares laughs, share life dont fucking hoard it
6 I am a lesbian trapped in a mans body
7I guess instead of being bored with each other, they should have sat down and all watched a movie like….i dont know the wizard of oz together or did they?
8 music~check out the group…. Ultraspank..album…Progress….made in 2000……tell me what you think (if you can)
9 I may or may not have tried booze, pot, coke, herion, acid, meth, downers, uppers, X112,
hash, opium, that time in my life is kind of grey, dont remember a lot of things, i am alive so i did something right
10 Why the fuck is the rancher so jolly for , does he represent the lollipop guild?
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robert Reply:
April 1st, 2011 at 9:58 pm
Sorry i hit the wrong button,
11 i really enjoyed your list.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING!!!!!!!
Robert
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