diets are dumb
if you recently began a diet as your new year’s resolution, i’m not apologizing for this post. i’m telling you to stop. you’re welcome.
am i in any way qualified to talk about this? fuck no.
i’m not fat. i’m not thin.
i’m not a doctor and i don’t play one on the oprah network or infomercials.
i don’t read self, shape, women’s health or prevention magazines unless they’re the only choice other than time, sports illustrated or parents magazines in the doctor’s waiting room.
i have no idea what gluten-free, pro-biotics, pre-biotics, omega 3s, superfruits, and night shade foods are.
i’ve never dieted except that once i tried atkins 20 years ago and almost passed out on day 3 because i was only eating bacon or maybe it was from my halitosis that resulted from the low carb ketosis. (i agree, that’s too many -sis words.)
i just know what i see.
diets don’t work. if they work at all and the person doesn’t give up after the first week or month, they don’t work over the long run. maybe a successful dieter will keep the weight off for a year to two, but then the old habits creep back and BAM the dieter turns into a yo-yo dieter. i have seen it eleventy billion times over. show me one hard core dieter that hasn’t tried a dozen diets throughout his or her lifetime? all yielding the same results: weight loss. happiness. weight gain. depression. new diet eventually.
why don’t they work? self-denial. it causes a perverse obsession with that which the person denying him/herself is renouncing. it’s a fucking mental thing. (this is the synopsis for my new book but i’m guessing my book editor will probably want to revise my adjectives somewhat.)
as soon as you can’t have something, you’re going to crave it hard. then do something completely neurotic like binge on that shit as though you were a mountain lion that hasn’t eaten in days and has fresh kill in your claws. then you’re going to be all “fuck it, i suck” and eat everything that isn’t nailed down or you’re going to starve yourself which is going to cause real physical cravings because your body needs regular fuel in varieties like dark leafy greens, franzia, imported cheese and crusty baguette.
it’s the same concept as celibate catholic priests denying themselves the sex and then getting a perverse obsession with it and resorting to the wrongest, most mentally ill behavior out there: pedophilia. now you might say pedophilia is more complex than this. so is weight and body image. but i’m here to break it down for you, remember? you might also say that it’s not celibacy that makes priests pedophiles, but that pedophiles just gravitate to professions where there are children around. but then i have to ask why the same high percentage of pedophiles isn’t found in the teaching profession. maybe i’ll leave this part out of my book.
self-denial. it’s not good for the human soul.
and you know another reason diets don’t work: portion control. i love this time of year when all of these jenny craig and nutrisystems people start advertising their programs by promoting a week of free meals. oh sure their menus consist of “all the food you love and chef-inspired creations–prepared by registered dietitians.” first of all, the meals are fucking tiny. denial! you’ll be hungry all the fucking time. second of all, they’re frozen foods. again, not qualified, but i thought one of the tenets of healthy eating was to avoid processed foods and eat fresh foods, not “fresh-tasting frozen foods.”
what does work? i’d have to say probably those stomach rubber bands. they remove the mental from the equation. they actually make it so you can’t eat too much. so if you’re craving a greasy pub burger, probably the most you can get down without getting sick is the snack-size burger in the mcdonald’s kid’s meal. which is a fucking tease.
if you’re not obese and don’t really qualify for the surgery or wouldn’t risk the possible complications, here’s what will really work, or the advice i plan to put in my book:
eat whatever the hell you want.
don’t skip meals. not even breakfast. feel full and satisfied.
you like a giant blueberry muffin for breakfast? eat it.
you like a roast beef special and ruffles with ridges for lunch? eat them.
you like a cowboy rib eye and loaded baked potato for dinner? eat them.
when the dessert is chocolate gateau? you better motherfucking eat it.
when you stop denying yourself, you’ll stop binging and overeating. you’ll start to realize you don’t need this shit all the time. you won’t eat like this everyday. and even if you do, just throw in a salad the next day. whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up or that dirty little cycle will start all over again. avoid the mental thing.
oh yeah and get off your motherfucking ass once in awhile.
ps: i promise to do real research for my book but not to offer any qualified advice.
pps: don’t you dare steal this book idea. i mean the outline and sample chapters are practically jumping off the page.
ppps: if you’re a book agent, i’m sure you’re interested already. you can email me at pattypunker at gmail dot com.
pppps: what should the title be: “diets are dumb” or ”the punker’s guide to losing weight” or something else?
well said mama!! love me some salad
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:27 pm
like the big salads from salad works? TDF!
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Yeah, well sure, just the other night I had a big hunking slice of pizza at 2 am. I am glad I did…I would do it again.
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:28 pm
i should have stolen it from you. i ended up with a drinking concussion.
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Horizontal Logic Reply:
January 24th, 2011 at 1:43 pm
you just may remember that I denied myself that slice of pizza….because I was on a fucking diet.
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“dark leafy greens, franzia, imported cheese and crusty baguette…” This IS the ideal diet. Way to tell ‘em! Yay wine and bread. Boo protein shakes and colon cleanses. Them greens keeps my colon as colon as a whistle.
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:30 pm
yay wine and bread! it’s like glee for your tummy.
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I think the book title should be
“The Franzia Diet: How to lose weight and revolutionize your outlook on life Motherfucker”
It would practically jump off the shelves.
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:32 pm
i LOVE LOVE LOVE this title. you’re totally going to be mentioned in the book credits!
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
January 21st, 2011 at 10:54 pm
That is a good title. I was thinking “The Franzia Diet: How to Make Your Panties Drop”
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StephanieC @ Seriously? Really? Seriously? Reply:
January 27th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I really like the “Motherfucker” edge.
What about:
The Franzia Diet: How to lose weight and revolutionize your dropping panties, Motherfucker
Should I mention that I laughed my ass off (unfortunately not literally) at the mountain lion comment, because, uh, xmas chocolate on clearance and me dieting?
Yeah.
Great blog.
patty punker Reply:
January 27th, 2011 at 4:18 pm
awwww thanks someone noticed my mountain lion analogy! i’ll be over to check yours out too. your blog that is, not your panty dropping.
Is it wrong that I don’t feel guilty for reading this while eating jelly donuts? ;]
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Miss Nikki Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 12:28 pm
If this were Facebook I’d so be hitting the “like” button to your statement!
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:37 pm
that’s the beauty of this:guiltless! not like some chain restaurant’s guiltless heart healthy menu designation, this is true guiltless.
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I like Toms name. All hail The MotherFuckingFranzia Diet. You know what has always worked for me? Smoking and drinking and lots of stress. I drop weight in an instant and have fun while doing it. (Although since I am no longer smoking It’s just be one less thing I’ll be ingesting.)
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:41 pm
damn, i miss smoking. if i still smoked that would so go in the book. like maybe a coffee, vodka and cigarettes chapter. come to think of it, maybe i’ll throw in nicorette. a cardiocascular stimulant never hurts.
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Absofuckinlutely.
Get off your ass sea bass. The main problem with a diet is the body jumps into “survival mode” when it suddenly finds itself being starved the body says “that bitch is starving us again, better build our storage just in case we die before the next meal” so the body stores rather than fully digest, thus creating fatty bags around the muscles… So when the body does go through a prolonged starvation period it will have enough resources to feed off from.
Diet shmiet. Take a walk. Have wild sex. Go play in a park. And eat often rather than large meals your body cannot process. Stay below 600 calories in one seating. That’s what I think!
AND most importantly: boredom hunger is your worst enemy. You just ate and one hour later because you’re bored you find yourself hungry? Bah. Eat raw celery…
Yes I am pms’ing and I get cranky over certain things. Like you, not fat not (overly) skinny (let’s say I have some gunk hanging around my waist I could do without, and don’t get me going with that shit around my bra strap!)
Nice post, can’t wait to read the book. And here’s another idea: if diets are dumb then dieters are dumber. So it’s like the Dumb and Dumber of eating trends! (The idea sounded better in my head).
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:47 pm
oh em gee this is an epic comment. i love it! but please tell me there is no such thing as “fatty bags around the muscles.” that sounds like something that would be in the horror film version of nip-tuck.
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My personal rule is I can eat anything I want as long as I get my nutrients first. I’ll munch on veggies while I cook extra cheesy macaroni and cheese, and I can have all the cookies I want after I have an apple first. There’s no “no” – if anything my cravings for junk wind up helping me get more vitamins in my diet as a result!
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:51 pm
i feel like an oatmeal raisin cookie has it all.
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I vote wholeheartedly for “diets are dumb”
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patty punker Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 11:53 pm
wholeheartedly is so much nicer sounding than whole grain.
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Darn! I used up all my f-bomb quota for the month already.
Fuck it!
I like that line you used earlier “You Better Motherfucking Eat It!” as the title. Is it a diet book or kinky sex manual?
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dufmanno Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
“You Better Motherfucking Eat It; Stories From the Tour Bus” was actually going to be the title of my slightly autobiographical book. That’s okay though, I can go with my alternate “Get on Your Knees Please”
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:00 am
what is this f-bomb quota of which you speak? this is a no f-bombs barred zone.
“you better motherfucking eat it” is a damn good title, isn’t it? i’m thinking of all the possibilites with this. for instance, it could easily be an entire series about life in corporate america.
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First off – a big ‘Fuck No’ to any revision of adjectives! Especially my new favorite “wrongest”
Book Title:
Be Like A Catholic Priest And Don’t Deny Yourself!! You Want It? Motherfucking Have It Diet!!
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miss nikki Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Hahaha
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:01 am
i know – how funny is that! love me some toywithme.
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Your book outlline is the most sensible thing I have read so far this year. Sign me up for the cowboy rib eye and potato! I’ll take a side o’ wine and one of those chocolate thingies, too.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:01 am
hellz to the yeah, girlfriend!
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Now this is a (non) diet I can get behind. I joined a weight loss challenge at work over the last 12 weeks — the holiday season. But then I immediately forgot about the challenge. Over the last 12 weeks, I ate everything I wanted during Christmas break. I put on six lbs. And then I got sick of chocolates and pies. The six lbs came back off. I weighed in today at exactly the same weight, and this past weekend, I ate fudge, pizza, and delicious fried pickles with beer. Best diet ever.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:03 am
THIS! this must be a testimonial for the book. btw- pizza is allowed for every meal and late night snacks. it will be labeled the PERFECT food in my book.
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So true. Totally true. Been on and off diets my whole life.
Best book title from your post: eat whatever the hell you want.
I’d buy it.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:04 am
alfred, stop dieting, my love. it’s a silly pasttime.
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The title should be “Just Fucking Eat It.”
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:06 am
yeaaaaa boy!
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Patty Punker: Changing Lives.
That’s it. I’m having pancakes and beer for dinner tonight.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:07 am
what time should i be over? can i bring the bacon?
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i love you. i’m going to go eat a brownie now.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 12:08 am
atta girl! xoxoxo
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The title should be “The Punk Rock Attitude to Living Life the Way You Fucking Want to while Feeling and Looking Fabulous Along the Way”
Everything in moderation. That’s what I know works.
My Obgyn (since I cannot find a good family doctor that is not trying to get me to get an MRI or cat scan for every tiny illness) actually prescribed “Exercise Three Times A Week” for me.
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everything in moderation during the week and everything in trenta supersized octane big gulp on the weekend!
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StephanieC @ Seriously? Really? Seriously? Reply:
January 27th, 2011 at 3:12 pm
lol says it all.
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patty punker Reply:
January 27th, 2011 at 4:30 pm
you somehow managed to pick out all of my favorite parts on this one. yay! i love an instant new bloggy friend.
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Indeed, Joan Jett of my Heart, indeed.
I ate my body weight in croquettas whilst in Madrid, and then doubled it with Sangria and I loved every second of it.
I was, of course, plannign to work it off with the Super Scrumping Aerobic Workout, but alas, I’ve simply returned to the dance studio and my English speaking salsa students, a little wobblier and without the desired limp.
But, uh, I digress.
How about “Fat Ass to Punk Ass” subheader: Denial is for b*tches.
- B x
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 8:44 pm
loved me some croquettes and sangria when i studied in spain. oh! and the paella. LOVED me some paella. and that was pretty much it as far as spanish cuisine went.
denial is for bitches – hell yeah!
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
January 21st, 2011 at 10:57 pm
Denial is for Bitches needs to be on a t-shirt
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The Barreness Reply:
January 22nd, 2011 at 7:26 am
I’ll have them made up and distribute accordingly.
x
patty punker Reply:
January 22nd, 2011 at 12:42 pm
seriously we should do a whole series. “such&such” is for bitches series. who know’s a designer?
To steal a line from the immortal Steven Tyler- ” what we have here is a failure to communicate” The word diet has been mutilated and is misunderstood and turned dirty. Just like exercise. A diet is what you eat. It is not a strict regimen of no meat, or no carb, or calorie restrictions or portion control, a diet is can be anything you shove in your pie whole. The 900lb dude who gets cut out of his house was on a diet, yes his diet was 32 boxes of twinkies and 42- 2 liters of pepsi with 13 dozen eggs and 7 lbs of bacon followed with 12 pizzas per day but that was his diet. As I explained to my male 9 year old who is 5 foot tall and weighs 59 lbs and thinks he is fat and might need a diet, he is already on one. RE-LEARN DIET. Your post is actually not as insane as you may think. Also exercise does not mean punishment, as a society before elevators, cars, riding mowers, school buses, and telephones, we actually exerscised. ALL THE TIME. it was crazy. we didn’t buy memberships or have work out clothes. We stood at a sink and did dishes ( exercise
) we took laundry outside and hung it on a line, we walked to the neighbors to say hi (excersize) because our children were there playing ( excersize) so yes we have become I floating fat couch away from the space liner of Walle. How can I say this? Because I don’t exersize it’s against my religion. PERIOD. But all of your points are actually true and valid.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 8:46 pm
um are you available for co-writing or at least additional pages when i’m all sluggish?
i’ll tell ya what else, i used to exercise before blogging and the interwebz. this shit is making me fat.
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This? Is why I’ve never tried to quit drinking. The quickest way for me to become an actual raging alcoholic is to tell myself I can’t have alcohol. I’ll work on expanding on that a little so I can be one of the “real people interviews” in your book. You gots to have the anecdotals, right? PICK ME!
Also I ain’t moving my ass until the snow melts. And gyms cause cancer. True story.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 8:47 pm
AA is for quitters.
i’m with you. i’m in SAD mode. i can’t wait for spring hypermania!!!!
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“Get Off Your Ass and Stop Dieting, Numb Nuts?”
I’ve been “dieting” in one way or another since 8th grade! It’s definitely a vicious cycle! And it’s not that I don’t know HOW to lose weight, I should be a fucking expert by now (I met Richard Simmons once!), it’s your mind you have to get right. And I’m a freaking fetus when it comes to that!
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 8:48 pm
i’m a fetus when it comes to maturity so i get it.
but dayum if that’s not a fucking good title suggestion, gurl!
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You sound JUST like my trainer!! There is no such thing as a successful diet, only a way of eating for life. A diet implies there’s an end. I’m a pretty healthy eater, but learned I’m not getting enough protein to balance out all the chocolate carbs I’m getting
This is the best line/title for the book: Self-denial: It’s not good for the human soul.
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 8:49 pm
you are like the icon of balance. whenever you’re around these parts, i just calm the fuck down. i love it. namaste.
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Kernut the Blond Reply:
January 25th, 2011 at 11:24 am
Glad to hear it
Even if I don’t feel all calm and peaceful at the moment, it’s good to know I’m radiating that to others! LOL
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Whatever you call it I’m buying it! Ring me up sister!!
But if I already agree with everything you said, do I still need to buy it? Wouldn’t that be wrong? Not like the priest stuff wrong but wrong like I needed to be pushed over to your side of thinking when I’ve already body slammed into you in agreement wrong…
(-:
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patty punker Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
nah, you don’t have to buy it, but you have to body slam promise that you’ll join me and sparkle at all of the release parties. (in case you haven’t noticed i suck at sales but rule at parties.)
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MrsBlogAlot Reply:
January 23rd, 2011 at 8:06 am
HAA! Done!
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Prepared by registered dietitians? Yeah, so was that pizza, corn, and chocolate milk meal they kept slapping on my tray in Jr. high. Prepared by registered dietitian = inedible stuff that makes bologna and cheese look healthy.
I will buy your book. I will eat your book before I eat dietitian food.
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patty punker Reply:
January 22nd, 2011 at 12:40 pm
brilliant! my book is going to come in flavors, like vodka: bacon, pepperoni pizza, chipolte burrito, garlic mashed potato, brie, hummus, and watermelon jolly rancher flavors!!!
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Crap, I didn’t know you could pass out from just eating bacon, I’m so screwed.
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patty punker Reply:
January 25th, 2011 at 8:43 pm
put in on bread, and add cheese and shit. you’ll be fine.
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I think I love you. Yep, I do. My dieting technique involves avoiding mirrors. Always. Oh and spending all my time with liars too.
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patty punker Reply:
January 25th, 2011 at 8:45 pm
i pay people to lie to me. we all have priorities.
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The problem with the general public is that they will ALWAYS look for the magic bullet, the thing that’s is fast and seems too good to be true. People never learn. You preach it punker! Tell em how to do P90X and sweat their ass off!
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patty punker Reply:
January 25th, 2011 at 8:49 pm
tru dat. think i could sell ads in my book? do they do that? i don’t think they do. why the hell not? i’m going to be the first to do it and sell a full-page ad to P90x. i rock the casbah.
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There’s some love for you on my blog today! Oh, and on Tom G’s too!
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patty punker Reply:
January 27th, 2011 at 8:05 pm
thank you honey bunch!!!
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I totally agree. Denying yourself all the time just makes you want the food even more. I do think there is something to portion control. All those meals you get out that could feed a family of four will not be helping the waist line any. Found you over at Studio 30. That place rocks!
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That’s why I ate potato chips and m&ms last night for dinner.
And I go with ‘Diets are Dumb.’ I’d buy that.
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Patty~
Visiting from Sunday Spotlight at Studio30 Plus!
My favorite thing about the whole diet thing is when it is a New Year’s Resolution. Why some random day to start and pig out until then?
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Okay, when does this book come out because I am all about it.
“when the dessert is chocolate gateau? you better motherfucking eat it.” LOVE that line!
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Dude – so absolutely true. On the occasions I’ve dieted in my life I’ve failed unless I’ve allowed for the occasional potato chip or cookie. If there’s nothing to look forward to at mealtimes, you’ll just lose steam and end up discouraged and quit.
These days, after a long winter of not exercising as much as in summer, and gaining the customary five to ten winter pounds, I prefer, as I’m huffing around attempting to jog it off, to just get angry at the universe for not giving me the metabolism of a school boy and for not making cake calorie-free.
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Good advice Punker. I’m trying to think of a good title for your book. “Why the Punker Doesn’t Diet”? “French Women Suck (but only until they are satisfied)”? Oh, now I’ve gone too far. Ok, goodbye.
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