fuckit10
i’ve received another blogger award. this one is called the end of days award and it’s from this dick who knows how to insult a bitch and crack her up all at the same time — with gusto. it’s pretty awesome.
there are no rules for this award. the only thing i have to do is post a short summation of what i would do if the mayans were right about 12.21.2012.
i can do this. why the hell not. i don’t have anything else to talk about. oh except maybe this blogher10 conference i attended in nyc this weekend. essentially, it just confirmed for me that i don’t have anything to talk about. i obviously don’t take my blog seriously. fuck, i didn’t even have blogger business cards to pass out.
there are so many bloggers out there who are way more talented. i don’t even know what i’m doing in the blogosphere.
i don’t have an original bone in my body. i’ve never even coined a word/phrase. i don’t mean like sarah palin (aka shakespeare) who coined “refudiate.” but actual usable terms like fucktard, crapstorm, cock knuckle or lame sauce.
the homeless people on the street have more words than me. and they’re not even degreed in this shit. and they sure as shit don’t do it for a living where they might stand a chance of having the discipline beaten into them. and i’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they can’t throw an f bomb way more poignantly.
hell, i can’t even monetize my blog properly. i don’t know how to tell a brilliant story and then tie it to the brand’s needs like one famous blogger (who shall remain unnamed). sure, i figured out how to use google ad sense but that brings in about .000000006 cents per day. however, i think after attending the blogher10 conference i have a blockbuster idea for raking in the ad dollars. just you wait and see! i may reveal it in my next post. if you’re lucky.
i did meet these awesome chicks who can blog like nobody’s business. even though i was my shy and typically socially awkard self especially upon meeting people i adore and admire for the first time, i had a blast partying like rock stars with them.
bugginword and absence of alternatives
a vapid blonde, brilliant sulk, bugginword, for the birds blog, me (who cares)
shy girl wishes she could be a fly girl or spy girl, brilliant sulk, dufmanno
among them is a vampire blogger, news anchor, giant squid tamer, ukele player, food and graphic designer, and dancing queen. they’re just as witty, creative, humorous, smart, wacked and super fun in person as they are in their blogging personas. what a treat! for me.
well, i do love making lists, so on with this one. here are the five things i would do if i knew the end of my days was coming:
1. i’d spend every millisecond staring at my beautiful daughter and making sure she knew how much i loved her and how proud i am of her. i’d tell her to be true to herself and follow her heart. i’d wish that all of her dreams come true.
2. i’d buy cartons of marlboro lights and smoke my motherfucking ass off. not that i don’t love my nicorette, but i haven’t smoked in 10 years and still miss it to this day. (and i know what you’re thinking. pattypunker is going to try and sell the nicorette gum people on advertising. makes perfect sense. i thought it, too. i’m a huge proponent. talk about it all the time on my blog. mention it on my about page, etc. it’s the perfect sponsorshit(p). but no, silly gooses. i’m not their target demographic. i’ve been chewing this shit for 10 years. which makes me a damn good customer, but a fucking nicorette addict. probably not what they’re going for.)
3. i’d go into the mountains of thailand and smoke opium in one of those exotic dens. with a well-paid, trusted guide of course. it’s the fucking end, after all, a girl deserves some safe, guilt-free euphoria.
4. i’d follow the national on their european tour and dance my ass off in paris, madrid, prague, berlin . . .
5. i’d make sure i was bit by a vampire, then i’d live forever. gotcha! i just bought myself an eternity.
see the mayans didn’t fucking think of everything. nobody can. so as long as that remains the case and as long as i still have fun writing this shitstorm of a blog and i keep meeting like-minded people who don’t make me feel like a foul-mouthed, out-of-control, irresponsible, immature, weak-minded, and misbehaved low life, i’m going to keep at it.
what a treat. for me (again). for you, not so much.
l request to be bitten by you so l can prolong my existence on earth (l suggest to bite some hotties also, just in case)
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subWOW Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Me me me!!!!
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subWOW Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
I am not saying I am a hottie. I am just saying PLEASE BITE ME TOO after you are done with the hotties.
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Vanilla North Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
yeah! all we fabulous whores! plus, some hotties… MALES!!!
HAH!!
patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
yes subwow is a hottie, don’t let her fool you. she’s one helluva dancer, too!
patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
maybe i could suck some of your talent from your neck.
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 8:32 am
How much more talent do you need girlfriend???????
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I totally relate to blogging attitude — every time I post. But as a newcomer, I dare say you have some interesting things to say here. Definitely looks like BlogHer was a riot with those fine people!
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
total laugh riot!
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Me? If the world is ending? I want to have random and unprotected wild sex. There. I said it. I’m so grateful to be there with you guys. I love love love the group shot! You ladies are gorgeous both outside and inside. (Inside as in your soul blah blah blah and not your vaginas, k?) How come I always have fish eyes in my pictures? LOL
And what do you mean you have nothing to say? Fuck that! It is when we don’t take ourselves to seriously that we have something profound to share with whoever comes by. xxoo
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
so you don’t think my vagina is gorgeous? i’m hurt. really hurt. but i still worship you and the shoes you dance all night in. oh and your pocket books, too.
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Lots of bloggers are going to these BlogHer conferences. They sound fun!
Your five things before the apocalypse sound good! I would eat a million calories and sleep all day every day of the week!
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Vanilla North Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
amen to that, Pauline, amen to that…
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
what VN said.
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I’m sorry but I’d like to see someone conjure up the tiny dancer AND be able to put her to use. that, my friend is pure unadulterated wonderment straight from the brilliant corners of your mind. Nothing original to say my ass. I will give that street guy props for his bold and clever use of the f-bomb before he stole that tourist kids hotdog.
If that Mayan calender is right, I better get busy.
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
it could be the isolated world in which i live. i get all my news from your blog and twitpics.
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Um….you have a shit ton of things to say and you say them bravely and unapologetically and that is a trait I wish I had. So, when you figure out all this monetizing quest don’t forget about the A Vampire Blonde who can OBVIOUSLY help with this end of days thingy.
xoxo
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
you’re the sparkle in my night sky. how could i ever forget about you! *snort*
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Also I think quest was supposed to be stuff but it’s HARD being a blonde sometimes.
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
tru dat, sister. and btw i just love my glow in the dark glitter gang bangers bracelet. big thank you smooches.
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A Vapid Blonde Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Want to know more.
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A Vapid Blonde Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
This was in reply to you and Elly but damn it if I not dumb today.
patty punker Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 3:41 am
we’ll tell you about it next time we all orgy. orgy being a verb.
But it’s a blog with stories. STORIES! Did you hear me, damnit? I said STORIES!
p.s. STORIES.
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
once a month a story. a story that i tie to the brand’s message. and i know my audience, damnit. because i’m a wizard. and now you all know it because i have spoken.
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Elly Lou Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
PS, have you seen my fancy bracelet? I have a story about it. It’s sponsored. But it’s cool cause it’s a STORY.
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Ha! You crack me up. I always say that when I am an old bag in the home somewhere and nobody loves me anymore, I will take up smoking again. Its a filthy habit but I sure did like to do it!
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patty punker Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
what good is a vice if it’s not filthy.
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 8:34 am
Since I failed at quitting, I will smoke for both of you, then when someone asks why I am smoking again, I will just tell them it’s for some friends.
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patty punker Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
i’ll just come by and breathe it in.
On the shyness thing. Shoot so so so relate. I think it is because I am a slow processor and can never think of anything good to say on the fly when I am standing in front of someone. Later I think up all kinds of great things to say. I am so happy you had a good time at your blog pahty.
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patty punker Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 4:42 am
hmm, i’m thinking the slow processor could be it. i dunno. i just get all intimidated. maybe if i had you with me all the time that wouldn’t happen.
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You keep having nothing to say, I’ll keep pretending I’m not reading it when it pops up in my reader and no one gets hurt.
Glad you had fun at the blog conference!
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patty punker Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 4:43 am
i love pretending! like a shit ton.
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Awesome fun post.
Great pics – you are hot – not my type, no penis – still hot.
And you say fuck a lot, which i like.
Not sure what I would do if world were ending. Probably eat mint ice cream and whine about the end of the world. Your shit is better.
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A Vapid Blonde Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 3:15 am
You are a rockstar!
My favorite ice cream is Bryers Mint Chocolate chip with Hersheys Chocolate Sauce.
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patty punker Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 4:47 am
you’re too kind, brahm. just for the record vapid is the hottest little minx i’ve ever laid eyes on.
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 8:36 am
Best. Compliment. Tonight. “…..you are hot – not my type, no penis – still hot.”
So funny. That is awesome. I would take that over, ” Hey baby, my face, your chair, it’s an offer.”
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patty punker Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
of course you would. that’s why you’re W to the wicked!
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Way to rock it…fuck why didn’t I think of the vampire thing?
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A Vapid Blonde Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 3:16 am
Um, because you are not the Vampire Blonde Blogger Douche. (I mean you are the douch and I am the Vampire Blonde Blogger)
heh!
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patty punker Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 4:52 am
and if you think my vampire idea was brilliant, and it was, so that makes you smart, wait till you see my monetizing idea.
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Also? Maybe I should write my own post instead of riding your coatails.
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patty punker Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 4:49 am
maybe i like my posts when you’re in them. ever think of that, huh?
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aw patty, you *are* a badass muthafucka with an elegant way to turn the word cock, douche or lame into something beautiful and HI-larious. Yet another reason I am bummed I could not be there at BlogHer. I will continue to worship thee from afar (well, from Ontario, but that’s like, way north, dude) and read your blog so that I may giggle at your witticisms and steal your phrases.
I had to laugh at cock knuckle, because I am rather partial to fuck knuckle. I just love all those hard K sounds.
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patty punker Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 3:50 am
hard k sounds rule. fuck knuckle is a fabulous addition. http://www.pattypunker.com/addictive-behavior/c-is-for/
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Oh my gosh, you have so much to say! Keep it going lady…
And in that photo I totally look like I’m 2 feet tall.
I’m also going to smoke opium with you because that’s what you do when the world is about to end.
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i think i just died and went to heaven. opium in the mountains with you (sung like “tea in the sahara with you” by the police.) also, we can find angel dust. just in case.
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Maybe the Mayans just had to stop somewhere? And 4000 years out seemed pretty, y’know, out there? Like when you were 8, and being 16 seemed soooo far away? So they were all, “whoaaaa, I can’t wait until we’re in 2012 and we’re all buzzing around on flying llamas and stuff, we’ll be sofa king cool.”
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patty punker Reply:
August 13th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
bwahaha – sofa king cool!
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I know what you’re doing in the blogosphere…you’re cracking me up..that’s what. Oh, and making me weepy at your #1..and then making me laugh again with smoking your ass off.
I don’t know how I would have made it through Blogher. I probably would have just stared in awe at all of you the whole time like a drooling looney bird.
Better I stayed home with my pseudo sanity (-:
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patty punker Reply:
August 13th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
and if you came to blogher, i wouldn’t be able to stop licking you. xoxo
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Vapid started it! I mean, I wanted to butt into more convos without lubricant but not sure whether it’s polite… without the lubricant.
You know what any of these conferences are missing? A panel on vampires to orgy in! I say we submit this idea!
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 8:40 am
Can we not just host a Glitter Gang Bangers Blog Conference with nothing but panels about vaginas, using the word fuck, how to improperly monetize your blog, using standard themes, sex toy giveaways……? I am just putting it out there. I hear Elly is giving pole dancing classes.
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patty punker Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
solid!
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Congrats on the award. I think.
I’ve had three kids-not my own-ask me last week if the world is going to end in 2012. WTF!!
At that rate-three per week-I have about 500 kids to reassure for the next two and half years.
That’s just too much damn pressure!!
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Hey, I’m popping over from Mrs. Blogsalot…the whole Fuckit title caught my eye. I love a woman that can curse like a trucker so I think I’ll stick around a bit.
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Whaaaat? You have to have talent to blog, I’m so screwed.
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“the homeless people on the street have more words than me. and they’re not even degreed”
LMAO!!!!!
Love your blog!
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Don’t worry about the monetizing. I’ve done mine (not well, mind you) and I haven’t made enough in six months for them to send me the TEN DOLLAR payout. You, on the other hand, seem to have cool ads. How can I get the Groupon ad?? Fuck. I’m lucky when Adsense doesn’ PSA me.
I’m with you – I’d totally start smoking again. Heck, I’ve been thinking about it now. Mmmm.
And if we need talent to blog, like @linlah reiterated, I’m screwed, too.
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You get the awards because you are so AWESOME! Please don’t bite me because I am a bit of a realist/cynic/negativist (is that a word?), and I have this belief that humanity will destroy itself, and that it’s well deserved. Don’t hate me.
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I’ve always steered clear of Blogher.
I have these horrible, slightly blurred, hand cam style mental images of millitary wife-types in cardigans swapping recipes and nappy changing techniques.
((shiver))
Had I know, however, that Blogher attracted such rockin b*tches as yourself, I may have rethought my non-attendance.
Also slightly annoyed that I’ve only just discovered your blog.
Shall blogroll and then punish myself with copious amounts of booze.
- B x
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patty punker Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Awww thanks Bx! and welcome!
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