gettin my shop on
sent my angel off to her first year of college. it didn’t come cheap, punkers. i had to blow my wad at bed, bath and beyond, target, staples and the iStore or apple store or whatever the fuck it’s called. here’s a breakdown for those of you who have to plan for college/dorm room in the future:
bed, bath and beyond (comforter, pillows, xtra long sheets, towels, storage units, bed risers, robe, shower caddy, hangers, iron, ironing board, hamper, adhesive shit for cement walls, lamps, bulletin board, trash can, fan, etc.) $1,000
target (bathroom shit, hair shit, makeup, medicines, first aid shit, coffee maker, commuter cup, picture frames, laundry liquids, tissues, snacks, water, etc.) $500
staples (desk supplies and school supplies) $200
iStore (macbook, printer, iHome clock stereo thingy, ethernet cable) $1500
thank god she bought her own clothes and jeans.
these are london circa the 60s. they are fucking cool.
so i say now it’s my turn for some back-to-school shopping. cuz i’m selfish like that. i love fall clothes. not winter clothes, bitches, but fall clothes. for one i love when it’s time to reboot. boots rock and allow you to express your inner badass like nothing else.
here’s one new pair i bought recently.
i do my best shopping with a hangover. you might think, fuck no, i don’t have the energy to shop when i have a hangover. you think wrong. i don’t have the energy (or the head) to do anything else but shop. shopping is an instant hangover cure. like hangover sex, it just sends the headache packing.
plus when i have a hangover, i have an i-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, which means i can spend money i don’t have without thinking twice. hell, i don’t think at all with a hangover. because i can’t. because there is an elephant stepping on my head or some shit.
the other way to shop (i guess this post is turning into the punker’s guide to shopping) is to avoid those ginormous discount stores. marshalls, ross, tj maxx. i say this not because i’m a snob. well, i am a snob, but i don’t mean to be. i’d much rather be one of these salt of the earth types, but it didn’t turn out that way. fuck it.
the reason i avoid these stores is because they hurt my hangover head. it’s like sensory overload. first of all there are women’s, men’s and children’s clothes, house wares, outdoor furniture, etc. all in one store. what the fuck mr. merchandiser. the clothes aren’t organized properly. there is winter and summer shit, dresses, tanks, skirts, slacks, all on one football field length rack. the sizes are all mixed up. i hate this most with the shoes. and what happens is i find something i like, i realize it’s not my size even though it was in my size area, then i can’t find another in my size.
what an epic waste of time.
another epic waste of time–shopping for clothes online without trying them on. my dove girl ass is hard to fit so i’m not a perfect size 6. mostly cuz i’m not a size 6. but there’s nothing worse than having to return online clothes and being out the shipping money to and fro with nothing to show for it.
so what i do is go to banana republic, the gap or express, where all the shit is displayed neatly and arranged in color and size order. some of it is hung and some folded on a table. the hangers all face the same direction and they even have people who fold the clothes with a folding board. so you never find things strewn about haphazardly like you do at the discount stores. plus there are styled mannequins offering you layered outfit and accessory ideas. this is better than garanimals and quite like a bloody mary for my hangover.
when i can’t find the article of clothing in my size some uber helpful salesperson, who treats me like julia roberts was treated after richard gere ripped the sales skank a new one, will check the backroom and the other stores near me for my size. (run-on sentence much?) they will even check online and let me order right then and there. then it’s shipped to my home for free. ain’t that the shiznet?
i’ll answer for you. it is the shiznet and it makes my hangover head swirl with the happy thoughts.
Bed, Bath and Beyond in my house is called Bed, Bath and Bend Over – for obvious reasons. But I’m with you on the discount stores. I want to be able to find stuff and and not play hide and seek. Isn’t that why they have people working there…to put the stuff away where it belongs? I think they pay them to mix it up so you have to spend more time in the store.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:00 am
yeah, and you better kiss me before i bed, bath and bend over!
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WTF with extra long beds in college? I had to buy xl sheets for my son. He is the same size there as he was here at home.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:01 am
good point, the regular length ones should serve well for toga parties.
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I have to say: I don’t love shopping, but I do love boots. I don’t know what it is about boots that make me sooooo happy. When I was a kid, my sister had a white pair of cowboy boots with fringe down the back. I did so covet those, maybe that is why. Only my 12 year old jean jacket makes me as happy as a new pair of boots.
I was wondering what happened to my friend Patty and was just about to stalk you on fb. Nice to see you back.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:04 am
omg, i got an awesome pair of white go-go boots for christmas one year when i was in like fourth grade. when i got out on the playground, i yanked up my catholic school uniform and let those bad boys and a little leg show. and that’s how i got the middle-schoolers to hang out with me.
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Linda Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Oh go go boots. I bet you looked very Goldie Hawn. So cool!
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I’ll be doing this over coming summer. Good thing Ive been putting away the $$ for a year or so now.. except now I think I need to start saving double time.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:05 am
nah, just drink franzia and pretend the money exists.
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I have the same attitude when hungover, which means my credit card gets a serious ding on those days. I however go the online shopping route, because then it takes even less effort and less time between my impulse to buy something I can afford and the moment I click submit and know I have said items on their way to me. Plus it’s like a double-treat, because then you get the excitement of them coming a few days later.
You’re right though, returning is a pain in the ass. More companies are doing it right, they let you print out a shipping label and just pop it back in the mail so it’s easy and at least you don’t have to pay to ship it back.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:07 am
don’t think i haven’t tried the online shopping route. i’ll try any shopping route. i was just always returning shit and would end up with $15 in shipping both ways with nothing to show.
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This post is cracking me up. Mind if I share your numbers with my husband? Might make him view me more positively. Oh, and those boots are so now. Nice work.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:08 am
finally someone likes the boots! and i know you have superb taste in shoes. mwuah!
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:08 am
ps: they’re going to look bangin with my BR skinny jeans!
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The Sweetest Reply:
September 6th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Dude- that will be so hot! A little touch of feminine-sexy, paired with don’t-mess-with-me-i’m-super-comfortable-and-stylish boots. Love it.
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We must Banana Republic together. White House|Black Market? I love LOVE the boutiques in Louisville….so neatly organized…arranged by color, designer, season, size, style…..my heart just cries out with joy!!!!
BOOTS!
Also, I must say, $1500 at the Apple Store is pretty damn impressive! Some sort of tiny dancer magic?
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:10 am
just say when. i do love boutiques as well. let’s road trip to vapid’s boutique in mass.
and the printer was free at the apple store when my daughter showed her student id. booyah!
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A Vapid Blonde Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Come on up! Lots of cute fall things are in. I love the boots, however unlike you I need some lift in my shoes!
Also? If I went shopping everytime I had a hangover…lets just say I would be living in a card board box under and over pass, but I would look damn fashionable.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 5:56 pm
we’re coming! fall foliage and shopping and peach cobbler and franzia. fuck yeah! and yes, it’s easy to see why i have a bit of a shopping problem. i share your hangover frequency rate.
I LUV the idea of Back to School shopping for mama! I wanna have the BR party with you guys! I also need to spend more in order to retain my Luxe status. LOL.
I do have to confess I break several rules here 1. I shop for everything online, including shoes, clothes, even hand soaps from bath body works. 2. And when I go to the stores (mostly BR nowadays and straight to the sales racks!) I hate trying on clothes there. So I grab a handful, pay, go home and try them on, and then return 90% of them. They hate me. I know. 3. When I still had free time, I used to LOVE the discount stores. Each trip was like a treasure hunt.
I hope you feel better. Wine in a box and chic boots. These are heavy duty medications if you ask me!
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 5:59 pm
you’re so in on the BR bonanza and the trip to Vapid’s boutique! wine in a box and chic boots are my cure-alls.
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By the way, I saw on Endless.com that fold-over boots are going to be all the rage this fall? They do with skinny jeans right? Sigh. My bootcut won’t show the fold-over details. *sigh*
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Elly Lou Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 3:25 pm
NO skinny jeans for this girl. They show too many details…like epic panty lines and excessive jiggling.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 6:02 pm
you have no excessive jiggling and going commando takes care of the other. where is shawn when i need her?
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
September 6th, 2010 at 11:58 am
I’m right here, doll! Honestly, you would think Elly would have learned, what with the lack of pantylines and the potential benefits of being sans panties when you fall vagina first. Le’sigh, it’s like she is just trying to be difficult!
Discount stores ALL THE WAY. It’s like a scavenger hunt! I like to play Where’s Waldo for the other shoe in a pair. I feel like I’ve triumphed after a purchase at T.J. Maxx. I make those stores my bitch.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 6:05 pm
i need the easy win so i can spend more time drinking. and so on with the vicious cycle. also, if i’ve spelled vicious wrong, i’m going to be pissed.
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Elly Lou Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 7:35 pm
If you don’t have to drive to the shopping, you just bring a water bottle filled with wine. Then the discount stores are even MORE fun.
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patty punker Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 8:43 pm
sold!
Holy crap, that is big dinero. Gotta admit am a little jealous about the macbook though, my computer is so old it works like is powered by arthritic hamsters on a creaky wheel.
I — aka he with no kids — got into back to school shopping today and bought myself a pair or jeans and a big bulky sweater to wear with the new boots i bought last week. Its like my uniform and I love it!
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patty punker Reply:
September 4th, 2010 at 2:19 am
we totes need to shop together! can we drink franzia the night before, too? let’s do it, get down on it.
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I used to cure my hangovers with burbon and yoo hoo but this sounds more fun and keeps my liver functioning.
There is no adjective epic enough to describe the way I feel about boots. Combat boots for stomping pin heads, high heeled leather boots for being naughty, snow boots for cold feet.
I should compose one of those haikus.
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patty punker Reply:
September 4th, 2010 at 2:21 am
this is why i’ve missed you. boots for every occasion. boots for every reaction. boots that are poetry worthy. you fucking get it!
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Wicked Shawn Reply:
September 6th, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Bourbon and yoohoo??!! Here in Kentucky, that is what we call a waste of perfectly good liquor, woman!!!
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“i’d much rather be one of these salt of the earth types, but it didn’t turn out that way. fuck it.”
There are so many reasons to adore you, Patty.
Also, you’ve actually made me the teeniest bit homesick with this post. Can you believe (should a sane person admit?) that I actually MISS those heinous, homogenised, soulless retail outlets so much it hurts sometimes?
There is an unbelievable amount of comfort that comes from needing something and knowing EXACTLY where to go to get it.
Five years in London and I still walk around going, “where the f*ck do I go to get a new battery for my digital camera??”
Specialty shops and “high streets” be damned – I miss the sh*t out of convenience.
- B x
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patty punker Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
i think i need to step out of my comfort zone. like say into the swanky london boutiques.
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Awesome use of the word shiznet…priceless!
(-:
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patty punker Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
thank you mrs b!
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I Love the Gap and Express for their ubber helpful sales staff too, but their clothes are starting to feel more like polyester and less like cotton.
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patty punker Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
a little lycra can go a long way in maintaining the garment’s shape and working with bloat situations, which i have plenty of.
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Shopping cures MANY things, not just hangovers. I love the clothes at Banana Republic, but they don’t always make them large enough for my rear-end. I have managed to get quite few pairs of pants from them (via my sister who takes the time to shop), and a couple cute dresses. But, I have to confess – I’m a Target junkie. Part of the attraction is all the bras and panties. I must have 50 pairs of panties. (yes, it’s a bit of an addiction).
My real problem is finding great sundresses… not a great selection at Target or most of the malls here. The beach towns have more to choose from, though.
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patty punker Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
today i’m saying goodbye, see you next year to my sundresses. makes me sad. : (
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Shopping means people which equals bad. However, I do love me some clothes….that’s why thrift stores rock. Less fucking people.
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I actually used to like shopping. (Never tried with a hangover.) But these days I hate it. I can’t afford to like it. And that’s what I say to my wife when she tells me to buy some new clothes.
“Honey, we can’t afford for all of us to look good.” “Would you and the kids rather have some new outfits, or me?”
Crickets……
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I like shopping but HATE shopping in malls or those dumb box stores. I have been lusting after John Fluevog boots lately. Have you heard of them?:
http://www.fluevog.com/code/?w=gender:women
*drools*
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