All has settled down on the home front. Thanks for all of your love, kindness, and insights. I’ve got all kinds of big love for each and everyone of you punks.

So with spring on the way, I’ve decided to go on tour and promote my new blog. I don’t have anything scheduled yet, but I’m sure once my publicist gets the word out, all of the very important magazines (VIM) will want in. To make sure I’m ready for my interviews with the likes of Playboy, Vanity Fair, and Esquire magazines, I’ve prepared some answers to the questions I am likely to be asked.

VIM: What is your blog about?

Patty Punker: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Random acts of ridiculousness. Surprise and happy endings. The C word. V things. My raging celebrity crush on a certain male blogger. List making and other addictive behavior.

VIM: Why did you start blogging about this stuff?

Patty Punker: Because I’m really a chick bass player in my own mind. And that’s how we rock stars live. Write about what ya know, ya know?

VIM: Who would be interested in reading this blog?

Patty Punker: People who enjoy depravity and who believe engaging writing should contain superfluous use of the F word.

VIM: How long have you been blogging?

Patty Punker: I just started blogging in December 2009. But because I have an addictive personality, I can’t stop. My first blog was a beginner sitch and was hosted on wordpress.com (pattypunker.wordpress.com), but now I’ve gone Pro and am hosting my own blog.

VIM: Why did you decide to go Pro?

Patty Punker:  So I could sell some ads and make extra money to support my nicorette gum habit. That shit is more expensive than my street drugs.

VIM: What other blogs do you follow?

Patty Punker: I worship the words of MommyWantsVodka, The Bloggess, Tremendous News, A Vapid Blonde, Wicked Shawn, The Checkout Girl, Pointless Banter and Stuff-about.com.

VIM: Where do you get your inspiration?

Patty Punker: Aunt Becky of MommyWantsVodka is my own personal Jesus. I read her like I read the Bible. I learn from her like I learn from religious ed class. I wish she were a sacrament so I could receive her. She saves my soul everyday.

VIM: Why should we subscribe to your blog?

Patty Punker: Because I get my crank on without nicorette gum and I can’t afford nicorette gum without ads and I can’t get ads without subscribers. Oh and sexual favors may be bestowed.

VIM: What advice do have for your fans?

Patty Punker: Work hard and play hard. If the hard work doesn’t pay off, become a high-end escort so you can afford to play harder. In other words, never quit hooking.

VIM: What advice do you have for new bloggers?

Patty Punker: Yeah right, cuz I’m a veteran or any good at this shit. (Like how self-deprecating I can be?) But I do have something to say here. Be honest and be true to your punk self. Reveal your soul. Don’t water it down because you’re afraid of exposure. This is your chance to say what’s really on your mind, so do it full throttle or don’t do it at all. Safe is soulless.

VIM: So what’s next for Patty Punker?

Patty Punker: Having the Coen Brothers write a movie about a week in the life of blogger, Patty Punker. Frances McDormand (a chick who doesn’t bore me) will play me, obvs. There will even be footage of me writing songs and playing bass with the band.