tiny dancer in my hand
like elton john i have a tiny dancer in my hand. mine whispers to me when my thoughts are untoward.
i’m so fortunate to have my tiny dancer; we tell each other how it is.
here are a few of our exchanges from today:
me: what the fuck is that padded ass enhancement thing doing in the store window?
tiny dancer: some people need those, sugar, not everyone is blessed with your junk in the trunk.
me: maybe. *smiling* but what’s with the dimples?
tiny dancer: it’s supposed to be au natural.
me: the dimples of venus aren’t there. they’re on the lower back, just above the ass.
tiny dancer:and it’s only la perla for you, princess.
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me:ohhhhh my fuckinggod you motherfucker i can’t believe you just pulled out in front of me like that!
tiny dancer: you have the bad hormones today, poodle. take deep yogic breaths
me:BZZZzzz. (i can’t relate to you right now.)
tiny dancer: i can hear you.
me: *holding up left hand* talk to the left cuz you ain’t right. that had nothing to do with my hormones, that was a total dick move on that guy’s part.
tiny dancer: maybe he is distracted because his girlfriend just dumped him.
me:so he should be allowed to drive like a fucking cock knuckle? i should be more empathetic?
tiny dancer: that would take a lot less energy.
me: fine, i’ll take a rage pill. that takes zero energy.
tiny dancer: haven’t you had a few too many of those lately?
me:maybe i’ll get a tony danza for my hand instead. how about THAT?
tiny dancer: oh puddin’, he wouldn’t fit inside your hand.
me: oh now you’re all realistic and shit?
tiny dancer:*grins devilishly and pirouettes off*
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me: who would put those words in neon?
tiny dancer: that doesn’t say “enjoy the aromas.”
me: what is it with people and fart humor already!
tiny dancer: in the land where i come from there are no bodily emissions.
me: take me there.
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me: oh great there goes that perfectly fit 27 y.o. cyclist chick who all of the older men love. why does she flirt with them? like she really wants someone that age? what a fucking cock tease.
tiny dancer: oh pumpkin, you’ll never be nubile again but she doesn’t have your wisdom, maturity, humor, money, or free-spirit.
me: i think she does. i can tell she is wise beyond her years. and she has way more clothes than me.
tiny dancer: listen to me love muffin, she’s bat shit crazy and has nothing else to spend her money on.
me: i don’t turn heads like that anymore.
tiny dancer: well, i’ve seen her mother. suffice it to say she won’t be wearing a MILF t-shirt in the future.
me: hold me closer, tiny dancer.
Tiny Dancer definitely one of my favorite songs and Almost Famous definitely one of my favorite movies because it is all about teen angst/figuring it all out stuff and no matter how old I get I never get tired of teen angst/figuring it all out stuff. I don’t have a tiny dancer but obviously need one. She will be the daughter I never got to have….sigh!
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patty punker Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 8:36 pm
almost famous is on my list too! let’s be each other’s tiny dancers.
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Linda Reply:
June 3rd, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Actually my tiny dancer was with me on the tennis courts yesterday. She
yelled at me when I missed an easy shot. Does she need to yell so loud? I think
my opponent heard her….sheesh. What a biatch!!!!
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patty punker Reply:
June 3rd, 2010 at 2:59 pm
no new ballet slippers for her!
My tiny dancer is more of a little devil… Instead of a conscience, I’ve got a little hellion telling me “DOOOOO IIIIIITTTT!!!” (-_-) Not as fun as you might think…
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patty punker Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 8:37 pm
you love your tiny dancer and you know it!
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Ok, first, using that ass enhancement device thing will be considered fraud during my administration.
Also, we’re on the the 27 year old bike chick. Listen to the dancer, substance is what counts.
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patty punker Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 8:38 pm
omawarisan for president!
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skullboy Reply:
June 1st, 2010 at 10:10 pm
i wholeheartedly agree with omawarisan on both counts.
it looks like the fake butt is pressed against the store window – or they are the
weirdest dimples i have ever seen. and i am sure the bike chick can’t hold a
candle to you on anything you’ve got going on.
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patty punker Reply:
June 2nd, 2010 at 3:55 am
i wasn’t fishing, but shiver me timbers that was certainly nice of you to say about me v. bike chick. ok, i just said shiver me timbers, i am ancient.
Dimples are only cute on a baby butt.
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patty punker Reply:
June 2nd, 2010 at 3:58 am
awww baby butt dimples. i even like baby butt smells. if that’s what was meant by the neon “free smells” sign, then i would have stopped in for a sniff.
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I think I AM the tiny dancer. Not that I’m all angelic and perfect and MaryPoppinlike and all that…
Oh, who am I kidding – I AM…
BUT… I’d NEVER fit in your hand – I could try but may break your finger and that would just be cruel as you’d have nothing to hold up at the stupid drivers (see – I’m angelic I said stupid and not cunt)
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bwahaha cunt drivers! you’re my kind of angel.
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Dimples of Venus? Just a few moments I learned about dessicant packages. Clearly I know nothing. Help me Tony Danza! I want to LEARN!
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patty punker Reply:
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:44 am
you’re the inspiration for this post. i hope you know that. and i too just learned of dessicant packages. tony danza is omnipotent.
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I am pretty sure that both my voices sound just like yours and not The Tiny Dancer….
I. Am. Not. Forgiving!
Especially ass wipe drivers who are all out to run me over all the mother fucking time!
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patty punker Reply:
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:45 am
i’m a grudging mcgrudginton. scorpio for short.
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great blog….and youe chose one of my favorite scenes from “Almost Famous” – awesome footage – gotta love me some Billy Crudup and Jason Lee…and one of your favs……Frances!!
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patty punker Reply:
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:46 am
awww you remembered. that’s why i’m giving you sexual favors the next time i see you. xoxoxo
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OMJ, if I needed that thing for my ass, I would consider agoraphobia the best alternative. WTF??!!
I’m afraid I would have to “cut and cap” (thanks BP for the idea) the Tiny Dancer, were there to be one on my shoulder, in my head or anywhere near my persons. That bitch would just be slowing my roll!
It is a great song to drunk sing with friends while pretending the neighbors can’t hear us on my deck at 3am. Not that we have ever done anything like that.
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patty punker Reply:
June 3rd, 2010 at 2:54 pm
no one slows your roll, girlfriend.
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I want that fake butt, but not for the reasons you might think. I want to lose weight in this exact area. So maybe if I wore this for a couple weeks and then stopped, I’d feel victorious. Thank you for this solution! Also, hilarious, thy name is Patty.
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tara – you’re welcome. but i bet your booty is slammin.
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DID NOT KNOW the butt dimples had a name…you just rocked my world. Also, random fact: when I was a kid I thought the lyric was “Count the head lice on the highway” and I always thought that would be really hard to do if it was a big highway with A LOT of head lice.
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patty punker Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 2:43 am
i love rocking your world. i feel like its paying it forward for all you do for me.
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There’s a coworker in this crazy shit-hole who not only wears those ass-plumpers, but told more than a few of us about it. *hurl* I don’t like it here.
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patty punker Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 2:44 am
fuck that bitch and the shit hole she crawled out of.
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Kernut Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 2:49 am
LOL You just made my day! Next time I see her enhanced booty I’m going to remember this and start laughing out loud!
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fuck yeah, motherhood! Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
“fuck that bitch and the shit hole she crawled out of” just gave me a tingle in my bingle. jazz hands.
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Kernut Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
SHE WORE THEM TODAY!! I can’t stop staring at her ass – and it’s not like it looks good! I keep giggling when I see her. She chose to wear a green jersey dress – jersey shows EVERY lump and bump (and that’s why I don’t own any!)… you can totally see where the ass-panties end and her flat ass starts. It looks like she has two big lumps on top of her upper butt cheeks!
I have a voice inside my head. Not as wise as yours though. Not as cool either. Mine is called The Crazy. That’s why I started blogging. So I can stop talking to myself. I love your Tiny Dancer. And please, take me shopping at La Perla with you. I am intimated.
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subWOW Reply:
June 6th, 2010 at 6:17 am
Ugh. Tis late. I meant “Intimidated”.
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patty punker Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 2:46 am
you slay me! what are you talking about this crazy stuff! i’ll take you shopping anyday cuz i adore you.
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You mean NONE of you has a lilliputian Christopher Walken telling you what to do? I had a dream about him the other night as he sat on my shoulder and gave me weird advice about various situations but now I can’t blog about it because it would totally seem like I stole that idea from you.
Or maybe I CAN blog about it with a twist and a link to this blog with an apology for my ultimate lameness?
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you used lilliputian and chrisopher walken in the same sentence: that’s so fucking rad! i love you hard. write about whatever you need to write about! there’s no stealing here. blogging is free of all that.
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subWOW Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I second that! Have never thought lilliputian Christopher Walken sitting on your shoulder. But now that you mentioned it, it makes perfect sense!! I am also going to watch Walken doing the Weapon of Choice again. Oh yeah!
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I love this!
I have these types of conversations a bit too much, especially at my kids’ school…or during games, when parents are yelling shit that makes my blood boil. The worst thing about being a parent is dealing with other parents.
Funny!
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patty punker Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
tru dat!
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