i miss you guys. hard. i’m ass-deep in a web project at work and coincidentally have been dealing with some major personal shit outside of work, too. so i haven’t been able to creep around your places as much as i’d like. and i haven’t been able to even think about posting. i promise to be back before too long.

as if you care. well i care, damnit!

so i’m going to leave you with a quickie to hold you over. here are some random thoughts:

i did the networked blogs thingy, so won’t you follow me? see it’s just there at the right, below my awesome avi. i don’t have too many followers so it’s pretty sorry looking. i’m not above begging when it comes to the way things look. i’m a superficial bitch like that.

i vote for an arts and crafts period at work. arts and crafts time shouldn’t stop with grade school, summer camp, elderly homes, and mental institutions. it would be great for brainstorming and meetings. at parties. at bars (but not on a bed). at BBQs. there should be an arts and crafts app where you can invite others to join you.

speaking of a cool thing to invite others to do. check out this new social media site, story bird. it’s collaborative story telling, motherfuckers! i can’t wait to play with this thing once i come up for air. and if you play with it, you better invite me! yes, i’m an overly sensitive teenage girl sometimes. ok most of the time.

that “under pressure” song by bowie and queen still knocks my socks off everytime i hear it. it’s so explosive, climatic, and triumphant. when i hear it i just want to spring into the air and do a ballerina’s grand jete.

you could even yell "puissance!" with this move

lastly, “he not busy being born is busy dying.” ~bob dylan

i’ve become absolutely desperate with this pain that remains in my ass. i haven’t been talking about it because BORING.  but it is tearing me up and turning me into some kind of obsessive nut job.

the more interesting news is that i’ve started seeing an acupuncturist for it. and i’m now taking chinese herbs. the herbs i have are called ossifex extract (jian bu hu qian wan). they’re for nourishing yin and purging fire, enriching blood, and strengthening tendons. guess what this ancient recipe translates to in english?

Vigorous Walk as Stealthy Tiger Pill; Health Step and Hidden Tiger Pill

i’m taking a tiger pill, y’all!!! how fucking cool is that? i’ll tell you how cool it is: totally fucking awesome supercalifragilistic cool.

i’m gonna be all stealth like crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

i’m gonna be like the hunk of burning love, bradley cooper, in limitless after taking NZT.

mostly, i’m going to be a modern day myth like charlie sheen.

so it’s only fitting that i have my own phrase of empowerment in place of “winning.” i gave it some thought and do believe i’ve got it.

are you ready?

puissance!

ok so it probably wasn’t much of a surprise after i put it in the title.  anyhussy, it’s a blast to say. i like to do a raised power fist when i declare it.

puissance, motherfucker!

and yes, you can use it, too. it has punch. i think cuz it’s derived from french and was probably used by those gnarly underground french resistance people or some shit.

this accupunturist has taught me some other things. like never drink cold water. only warm. warm water flushes out the kidneys, keeps your digestive system healthy, wards off diseases, and improves performance. yeah, try working out with warm water.

speaking of working out, apparently the western way is pointless. we try to expend energy, burn fat. the right way to exercise is tai chi. it’s meant to conserve energy, renew vitality and promote calmness and a feeling of emotional security.

i have my own ancient formula for that. it’s called franzia and xanax extract. plus there’s no way in hell those slow tai chi movements are going to burn off my franzia and pizza belly.

then she told me no stretching unless it’s backward stretching. so no doing any of the exercises the physical therapist gave me. no forward bending at all. walking is good. especially if it’s backward walking. can you see me backward walking in the city?

so much conflicting information. do i go with a western or eastern approach? i definitely think i’ll stick with the tiger blood pills. then again, i’ve always said yes to pills when it came to western medicine, too. but i’m not sure i’ll be able to take my herbs with warm franzia.

ps: i love puissance! so much i created some tshirts. you can even in get it on this action. (yes, i shamelessly promote my blog on the back of the adult shirts, but they’re still badass. i think.)

Puissance! by PattyPunker
Use Zazzle’s t shirt designer

click here for the Patty Punker store.

i’m back from my too brief winter island getaway. we went to jamaica, mon. and anyone who has seen my pictures can tell i had my period.

it’s not enough that i just look at water and become bloated. i was bloated when i arrived.

don’t ya hate having your period when you’re on vacation? you men know what i mean, right? first, there’s the bloating issue which doesn’t complement eating massive amounts of vacation food (meaning just say yes to everything) and drinking like arthur (meaning it’s noon, time for my first of 82 rum punches).

second, there’s the tampon issue. who wants to have to think about changing a tampon while on the beach? but if you don’t, you might get that dreaded toxic shock syndrome. what is that anyway? and has anyone ever gotten it? my mother acted like everyone got it if they didn’t change their tampon every 2 hours.

let’s just say i’m negligent when it comes to changing my tampon. i’ve definitely left a tampon in for more than 8 hours. in fact, one time i remember forgetting it was in all day. i even had the sex with it in, and neither my partner or me realized it. so maybe it was blotto sex, but still.

it’s all pretty gross i know. but even the design of a tampon is twisted. there’s this stupid string hanging out of the critical entry to your lady vessel just acting like a giant wick, able to absorb all sorts of nasty bacterials, yeasties, paper mites, bed bugs, and dare i say fecal matter. *twitching trying to shake THAT the fuck off*

so what the fuck tampon makers? couldn’t we get a little plastic handle or knob or something instead of the wick?

though it’s definitely better than the alternative: the frightful maxi pad.  i realize some people may have to wear them after a procedure or something, but why would anyone choose to sit in a pool of dismantled endometrium?  (<– omg laughing hysterically. i wish i could take credit for that but i copped it from wikipedia. i still get credit for realizing the disturbing impact of these two words.)

i’m no scientist but i think when your body expels something its a clear indication it should be kicked to the curb and taken away by tony soprano. not cushioned by a tempurpedic mattress and held touching your delicate skin.

i give one helluva vacation review, don’t i? 

oh ok, here are a couple of pretty beach pics to erase everything i just wrote from your mind. peace out, punkers.

the daily spot

Bathing

View from the chair

Solitude in Sound (my new agey title. so stupid)

Artsy sunset shot 1

Artsy sunset shot 2

some people are real scholarly bloggers like absence of alternatives, for the birds, or 20prospect. they use descriptive language and make compelling arguments. i’d like to be sophisticated like that, but you’ve probably noticed i’m not that fancy.

i try to make my goals realistic. i’d be happy even if i could write as good as missy elliot in this work it song:

If you a fly gal get your nails done
Get a pedicure, get your hair did
Boy, lift it up, let’s make a toast-a
Let’s get drunk, that’s gonna’ bring us closer
Don’t I look like a Halle Berry poster
See the Belvedere playin’ tricks on you
Girlfriend wanna be like me, never
You won’t find a bitch that’s even better
I make you hot as Las Vegas weather
Listen up close while I take it backwards
I’m not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want
I love your braids and your mouth full of floss
Love the way my ass go bum-bum-bum-bum
Keep your eyes on my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum
And think you can handle this gadonk-a-donk-donk
Take my thong off and my ass go boom

take my thong off and my ass go boom? that is some powerful imagery. you agree right?

i’m totally phoning this post in because holy tanuki balls i’m slammed at work. by the way that was a reference to the tom robbins book, villa incognito. you have to respect a book which opens with:

 ”It has been reported that Tanuki fell from the sky using his scrotum as a parachute.”

see tanuki’s scrotum is proportionately larger than the scrota of elephants, whales, and the jolly green giant.

so i declare that reference makes me literary and some shit.

i’m also trying to plan a trip to the carribean. which doesn’t exactly make me a starving and tortured writer person, but i can always drink excessively and take some happy pills to simulate the agony.

speaking of agony, fucking pms. it’s killing me this week.  and why doesn’t anybody tell you not to go to the grocery store with pms? they tell you not to go hungry but it’s much worse to go with pms. guess what i ended up with in my cart?

pepperoni and cheese stromboli
cheesy scalloped potatoes
tater tots
strawberry toaster strudel

there is something wrong with me.

i want to dance with thom yorke in this video.

some of you may think he looks spastic kinda like joe cocker’s LSD-enhanced dancing at woodstock. but we all can’t have michael jackson moves within us just ready to pop. i think it would be really rad if i could do my version of black swan (the one i do in my head) around him.

are you seeing it? it would be an epic production.

it’s where i go when i need to avoid reality and rev up the super spunky rock star image i have of myself.

so my newest online obsession has been creating user cards on someecards. you might remember my valentines day post showing you some of my creations. that week i dominated on someecards’ most popular user cards page. that was all thanks to you, punkers, for going over there and voting for my shit.

 mwuah!!!

well, this pissed off a certain diva of the user cards and he came over here to leave me several hate comments. (i only published one of them and deleted the rest.) then the more popular i became, the more his pencil dick began to throb.  he started voting 1 star on my cards to bring down their rating and writing cards about me for everyone on someecards to see. here’s one:

user card by "rondo434"

apparently this douche canoe doesn’t get how social media works. maybe he should use the easy buttons below his cards to share his madness on facebook, twitter, stumbleupon, etc.

he has several identities on the site, presumably so he can vote for his cards multiple times. here are a few other cards i found about me under different user names:

user card by "smug.pig"

user card by "calderasfarm"

user card by "jumbotron"

then my hater created an identity based on mine: pattypuker. puker! that’s fucking awesome! here’s a card by pattypuker:

i would never wear a bob

when i first saw these attacks, i flagged a couple of them because i thought he behaved like a schoolyard bully who’s priest was making him swallow the jungle humble juice in the back room of the rectory. i mean, i thought he should compete like a good sport. after i had a couple of his cards deleted, he put up this card:

i like my name as a verb!

then it occurred to me: let em rip. maybe he’ll get more people to look at my cards. after all people love a soap opera.

i also thought this is fucking flattering. Of the gadzillions of people creating user cards on someecards, this weasal is threatened by lil ole me. i win!

ps: if you want to rock the vote on my latest card, click on it below.

actually four of them in two weeks! but who’s counting. fuck yeah, i’m counting. but only because i can. i’m not one of these superbloggers who receives a bajillion awards. i can count the awards i’ve received on one hand. so, i’m school girl giddy over these awards because i am cursed with the ”seeks approval of others” neurosis. i blame my mother. and before you label me as having a victim mentality, you should know even my therapist said i can blame her. 

so here they are and you should definitely click on them because they gave me an award. no, click on them because they’ll like me more for sending traffic their way. oh alright, click on them because they’re cuddly, lovable and full of the awesome. 

from brahm at alfred lives here

from sandi at being peachy

from nikki at my cyber house rules

from sister merry hellish at inside out and backwards

it seems that the raw power of my writing (and by raw power, i just mean raw, as in uncultivated) isn’t enough for me to earn these awards. there are rules. i’m pretty sure we all know how i feel about rules, but i’m willing to suck up and play along, because in this case i happen to respect the proverbial man.

to a point.

three awards means three sets of rules and i sure as shit can’t keep them all straight. there was something about listing things you don’t know about me, answering a set of questions and pimping out other bodacious bloggers.

so you’ll get what i give. (in other words i want to pick and choose which ones i do.)

If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you’d started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

yes, i’m anonymous for the most part. despite the title of this post, my mother should never see this blog. she’d spend the rest of her days crying. and criticizing me like she’s so wont to do:

“karen johnson is always friendly and smiling. why don’t you smile more?”
“what do you call that color in your dining room? that’s um different.”
“john and i don’t eat fatty foods like that.”
“don’t you feel exposed without any window treatments?”
“you spent how much on dinner? you’re just going to shit it out the next day.” 
“why don’t you dress more feminine like claire mcdonnell?”

Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. 

so ma, you want me to dress better? how’s this “too drunk to fuck” dead kennedys tshirt? i think it’s stellar.

What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

my mother. now get me a fucking sledgehammer.

Is there something that you still want to accomplish in life?

i want to grow an emotional on/off switch so i can assimilate in the world of fucking robots aka corporate america. or else, i want to work for someecards.

If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

email or read blogs. my A.D.D. makes reading books hard. unless they’re mini books, which i collect just for this reason. (chalk up one thing you didn’t know about me). 

or unless it’s this book by elly which is about to be picked up by a publisher any second. when you read the first chapter, you’ll know why–you won’t be able to take your eyes off the screen.  

and no way do i want to talk on the phone. talking on the phone reminds me of my mother.   

another thing you didn’t know about me is that i like my betty crocker cheesy scalloped potatoes cooked 10 minutes extra so that they are plenty tender and a layer of crispy brown cheese forms on the top and sides of the casserole dish.   

i recently discovered this sauce at the local vietnamese restuarant. it’s my new fave:   

introducing my new line of valentine’s day cards: “voices in my head.”

i made them over at someecards because i don’t have a graphics designer and they give you these crazy ez templates to use.

if you happen to like any of them, you can vote for individual cards by clicking on the image or vote for all of them by clicking here. (if i get lots of votes, maybe i’ll win the editor’s pick, and then maybe they’ll want to hire me. a girl can dream big can’t she?)

happy valentine’s week punkers! xo♥xo♥xo♥

this week i became a professional shoplifter. lucky for you i’m willing to share my know-how.

this wasn’t like the amateur shoplifting i did back in my college days when i’d stuff steaks down my pants at the ac-a-me because my iron-starved blood apparently wasn’t being enriched by grilled cheeses. and it wasn’t at the grocery store either where it’s cake to steal because there aren’t any sensors, cameras or security guards. it was at motherfucking macy’s where it takes mad skillz to shoplift.

my new soia & kyo coat. tres chic don't ya think?

so i’m there during my lunch hour trying on winter coats. i found a soia & kyo coat i loved but was torn between two sizes. this was a very fitted, high-wasted number with oversized buttons. the size 8 fit perfect but i thought it might be too snug if i had on a bulky sweater or suit jacket. the size 10 didn’t look as good with the extra fabric but gave me wiggle room. so i grabbed a michael kors blazer, put it on over my lightweight sweater and tried on both coats again.

i was still torn so i asked the sales woman who told me to go with the 8. i was like done! i had been there over an hour after hitting the clinique counter and trying on a bazillion coats. i needed to get back to work so i quickly put on my puffy coat and went to pay.

on my way out i set off the alarms. the security guard asked to check my bags. i figured the sales women forgot to take the sensor off. the security guard frisked my new coat and went through my cosmetics. nothing. he apologized. i said no worries, if the sensor was still on, i’d want it removed so i wouldn’t set off alarms everywhere. he asked to see my receipts, which i gladly presented. he apologized profusely.

i left the store and set the alarms off again and glanced back at the security guard; he said it was probably just my cell phone. i got back to the office, took of my coat and realized i still had on the MK blazer. sensor and all.

the michael kors blazer that could have been mine all mine

the security guard never asked me to open my coat. if he had i would have died of embarrassment.

so if you want to steal right out from under all of security, here are the 3 simple steps you need to follow:

1. dress as a corporate communications professional
2. buy some stuff so you have receipts to show
3. wear the free merchandise under your puffy coat

oh c’mon don’t judge. it’s not like i just told you how to make a bomb. besides, you read this post well-knowing i would tell you how to shoplift so that makes you an accessory.

(i’m kidding. you’re off the hook. i took the jacket back the next day and hung it right back on the hanger that it came from. but if i had a sensor remover . . . )

i fucking love corporate america.  i had to write a newsletter article announcing a new market data system to all of HR. here’s how my information gathering meeting with the boys from compensation went:

AVP of Comp: this system is much better than the old market smart tool because that only let you search by geographic location. this one lets you narrow it down by state and city.

Me: can you tell me what market smart was used for?

AVP of Comp:  yeah, see that book on the shelf behind you. actually, see those three books.

[his two minions crack up]

Me: [feigns amusement] how about a high-level summary? 

AVP of Comp: [looks at me with disdain which i take to mean he doesn't get the term "high level summary" after all he only makes $200k/yr with a 22% bonus.]

Minion 1: it lets you see competitive market salary ranges for jobs throughout the country.

Me: thanks minion, i mean constantine.

AVP of Comp: the old system only let you search for exempt jobs. this one lets you search by exempt, salaried non-exempt, hourly non-exempt, and hourly by years of experience.

Me: are people still using the old system?

AVP of Comp: no that was discontinued 2 years ago because of access issues.

Me: [two thoughts: 1.) it took you two fucking years to develop this new system? 2.) why do you keep comparing it to a system that has been defunct for two years?] so what have people been using?

AVP of Comp: them. [looks to minions and laughs at them.]

AVP of Comp: then you can narrow it down by other qualifiers like education, job complexity, certification, and so on… [whipping through screens like it's all old hat]

Me: will i be able to get in there and look at all of this more closely?

AVP of Comp: yeah, we’ll set you up to have access. constantine will send you a link.

Me: Great. [i'll figure this out on my own cuz your demo sucks cat piss smell.]

AVP of Comp: then it shows minimum, midpoint and maximum for salaries, incentive, and total cash.

Me: does the total cash equal the salary plus the incentive?

AVP of Comp: no, it doesn’t work out that way.

Me: [tilts head in quizzical expression] because?

AVP of Comp: because incentives vary.

Me: Ok. [i sure as fuck hope the HR people are accustomed to seeing the data like this and know how to interpret it.]

AVP of Comp: then we have instructions in the help tab.

Me: cool. [please tell me you didn't write them.]

AVP of Comp: so any other questions?

Me: what will the HR people use this for?

AVP of Comp: to look up their own jobs.

[huge belly laughs from the minions]

Me: [you're a regular laugh riot.]

AVP of Comp: market analysis, hiring, budgeting for RFPs, salary planning

Me: how do you access it?

AVP of Comp: i told you i’d send you a link.

Me: [not me fuck face] no, how will the HR people access it?

AVP of Comp: [speaking very slowly and completely disgusted]  W E   W I L L   S E N D  A  L I N K

Me: let me rephrase, W H E R E   W I L L   I T   R E S I D E?

Minion 2: on the compensation intranet page.

Me: [there ya go] is it there now?

Minion 2:  no, i’ll put it out there.

AVP of Comp: we have to come up with a good name for it. market data system isn’t that good. let us know if you have any ideas.  we thought of Associate Salary System (ASS).

[minions are rolling on the floor laughing like a couple of cockroaches that just got hit with the raid missile.]

Me: [i'm dealing with fucking juveniles.]