lost in translation
so you might be wondering where i’ve been. not really? well, guess what …
work has its dick up my ass and i’m pinned to this pukey cheap-ass corporate carpet. in addition to my day job here, i’m also on this enterprise new media team responsible for infusing a social media plan into every line of business for this global beast.
infusing? isn’t that what you do with vodka?
i’m convinced one of the main reasons i really don’t belong in corporate america is that i don’t speaka the language. half the fucking time i don’t know what’s being said. and this special vernacular really flexes its muscle when you’re involved in a cross-functional, enterprise-wide endeavor. here are some of the words i stumble on:
workstream – whatever happened to group, work group, team? now it’s a workstream. what does that even mean? are there fish in it?
out-of-pocket – you’re not available, what??
prescribe – you’re not a doctor and so you’re not prescribing things. and if you are, then hook me up with some percocet.
hypotheses – this is a science term. i tune out because this does not apply to me.
synthesize – can’t we just put shit together?
traction – this is what my beamer has none of in the snow.
milestone – this applies to birthdays and anniversaries, significant things. how is every task a milestone? *shakes head*
sustainable – of course corp america had to jump on this ecological bandwagon. well i laugh to myself everytime i hear it in a meeting because i think of an erection.
cadence – this has to do with the rhythm of voice or music. why are you using it to mean frequency?
thought leadership – this is what steve jobs did, it implies innovation, i don’t see much of that here or in other big corporations. i just see a bunch of over-compensated exceutives. (alright i won’t go there today.)
this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it would be much easier for me to succeed if people would stop trying to impress everyone in the room and just speak some good old fashioned english. like those people in the movie fargo.
Glad to see you back! Corporate lingo amuses me too. It’s amazing, but they really do think that crap makes them sound smarter.
P.S. – Thanks so much for that visual you provided in the beginning there. Have to go scrub my mind out with soap now.
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patty punker Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 9:46 pm
i’ve missed the blogosphere. hard.
you know what’s smart? simple and straight forward. i’m not even lying when i say it takes me longer to figure out what the objectives are when these people speak corporate toolbag language.
vinny, surely you knew you could always turn to me for gratuitous vulgarity. especially when i’m in a “fuck it all” mood.
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Welcome Back Punker! The interwebz have been awful quiet without you.
Here’s my favorite Corporate Speak…
Drill Down – We are always drilling down into things. Usually, some customer’s ass.
Peel Back the Layers of the Onion – Why? Are they trying to make us cry?
Customer facing – Japanese bukake is very customer facing.
Synergy – The definition of synergy is taking two opposing concepts and marrying them together into a frankenstein like creature. Just like the word “synergy”.
At the end of the day… – Sadly, whenever anyone says this phrase it’s never followed by “we all drink Scotch and get laid.”
10,000 ft – When we need to look at things from 10,000 feet it means one of two things. We are in an airplane, or we are plummeting to our death. Usually the latter.
and finally, I spent 15 years working in heavy construction industry where “Erection” is something they talk about every friggin day. They are always erecting things, and asking when the erection would be finished. My inner Beavis & Butthead never tired of snickering at that.
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Elly Lou Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Double yes on synergy and drill down. Also? Ping. Ping me after you’ve drilled down and know the next steps. Whatevs.
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Tom G. Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Baby, I’ll ping you anytime.
wocka…wocka…wocka…
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patty punker Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
tom these are just the words from my last meeting. synergy and drill down are among the worst of the buzzwords. i love your take on “at the end of the day”! fuck, i just thought of another one: optics! that’s about lenses. i give up. corporate america is fucktarded.
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Tom G. Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 10:11 pm
I would have mentioned optics if I had “line of sight” to the issue.
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patty punker Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:34 am
well played!
Wicked Shawn Reply:
October 30th, 2011 at 11:42 pm
You guys would be ready to throw yourselves on a grenade if you worked for a large corporation ON a military installation. Oh yes, cross-breeding corporate America’s fucktardedness with military jargon is extra goodness. Sort of like combining toe jam and week old MacDonald’s frie grease. Either one alone is disgusting, together they are mind-bogglingly putrid.
just make sure you always pee ” downstream” and swim “upstream”. Add the oxymoron “Military intelligence” while you infuse a watermelon with a bottle of vodka AND “apple pucker, Cadence is just proof these polyester wearing vanity tag having late in life trying to sound more important than they are are just really digging up shit from 8th grade band camp.
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patty punker Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
digging up shit from 8th grade band camp has got to be the funniest thing i’ve read in a long time. i love you, peachy.
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Obsessed.
(that’s all)
xoxo
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patty punker Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
i’d kill to feel obsessed about anything in corporate america. unfortunately, it all just sucks the juice out of me. i’m fruity, see. (said in my best jimmy stewart voice)
xoxoxo back at ya, ry sal.
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Ry Sal Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:12 am
When I was in the fray, it was all “just want to see what’s on your plate because theres a lot in the pipeline”… Which always reminded me of digestion… So I was in a constant state of nausea.
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patty punker Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:35 am
for me its a constant state of constipation.
One fish, two fish, blow fish, blue fish…that’s a perfect workstream. We need more of Seuss and the Simpsons in corporate America.
Great to see you back. You’ve been missed! Get that dick out of your ass and back here where it is truly appreciated!
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patty punker Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 10:13 pm
more seuss and simpsons! leave it to you, jean, to bring the genius. i’m just going to keep repeating “One fish, two fish, blow fish, blue fish” when things get incomprehensible at the office.
*takes dick out and leaves ass uncovered to air out*
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I hate that shit, too.
I somehow managed to get pigeon-holed into direct marketing after my education in advertising. (You know, those cheques and annoying junk mail your credit card sends you? The asshole who proofed and got that mailed = ME).
I was thrown into a world of banking acronyms and terminology and I felt like such a RETARD in all of their meetings, me a 20 year old in a $20 blazer, trying to nod at the right time and pretend I knew what the hell they were talking about.
I couldn’t take it any more so I went back to school for something else.
If I ever hear the word “synergy”, or “ABM, APR, BALCON”, etc., someone IS going to get a throatpunch.
I feel your pain.
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patty punker Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:36 am
how can anyone who uses the word synergy take themself seriously?
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What about people reaching out to people…as in reach our to Patty and get her ideas on the optics on this.
If I am going to reach out to someone it isn’t going to be so I can drop some buzz words on them.
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patty punker Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:38 am
reach out to, connect with … don’t people just talk anymore?
managing optics is just a way of saying “i can’t spend money on this or my FAT bonus could be compromised.”
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Yay! You’re back! But gees, did you have to remind me of corporate America?
‘workstream’ with fish in it is funny!
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patty punker Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:38 am
sorry for the reminder, but you’re out now! free as a bird. i’m so envious.
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Kernut the Blond Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 1:50 pm
It’s great fun, but sometimes I miss the “familiarity” of a place. I don’t necessarily miss the place itself, just the familiarity of it – knowing where stores are, what the roads are like, etc.
I’ll be in AZ for most of October, hoping to meet up with single RVers group. You know your are always welcome to come for a visit!
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patty punker Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:55 pm
thanks doll baby!
Hey sexy. When u put it that way, for a second I became jealous of corporate america…
THE special language inflicted on me with a oscar Meyer mobile size dildo these past 2 weeks. Or rather, actually, I was the perpetrator… 12 peer reviews, and worse, my own self assessment… ugh. I did NOT use thought leadership though. I did use the word initiative a lot. *shame*
I was able to curb myself from using Awesome. So now I am going to use it here until I kill it…
You are awesome. This post is awesome. Your list is awesome. Your sense of humor is awesome. Your sardonic humor is awesome. Your insight into the corporate hell is awesome. Your ass is awesome. Your rack is awesome. Your sexiness is awesome.
My thumb hurts. I need to stop now. Awesome ^ 1000000000
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patty punker Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 11:40 am
you’re boss like that! and i love you. i’ll paypay you the money for the comment love.
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patty punker Reply:
November 1st, 2011 at 4:58 pm
paypal!
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Okay, I can so relate…. every time the word CADENCE comes up I totally think that these people have no idea what the hell they are doing, so just want to make it sound official and logical.
“Thought Leadership” is just scary, cuz you know that it really is neither…
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i keep hearing, “what should the cadence be for our meetings”? do you mean, how often? cmon people.
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This may not pass over well, because it happened in French, but basically here goes. I’m in the middle of a huge hubbub meeting with people droning on (the kind who are big fans of their own voice) going over corporate constitutional documents when one says “Let’s talk about points E, F, and G again” and out loud I say “Oh yes, the G point! Let’s go over that one again and again!” Of course, being lost in translation is so appropriate here, because the G-Spot in French is actually called the G-Point. So yeah…. what was I saying again?
hahaha! I always fuck up the expressions, but it’s the intention at heart that matters, just like the G-Spot!
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patty punker Reply:
October 2nd, 2011 at 3:28 pm
yes, let’s get to the heart of the matter. ; )
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Damm…
Granted that English is not my first language, and neither Norwegian, but l do work with social media, in a corporate world… and l never heard of these words…
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corporate america is a special place. kind of like day old bread is a special.
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I think there needs to be some law that states we can kick people in the balls or lady bits when they utter such nonsense. We’ll call it “anger streaming”. No?
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patty punker Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:33 pm
now that i’m down with.
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Welcome back to the interwebs! You’ve been missed
. I had a boss we’ll call Dick, and Dick’s favorite phrase was bang for the buck. Every conversation contained it; the hilarious part is he was a monstrous overpaid evil jerk that knew nothing about the group he ran. I cringe when I hear that phrase to this day.
I sincerely hope the social networking experiment works, it can be really awkward to see it done badly. I’m confident you can get them straight on them straight on that!
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patty punker Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:35 pm
bang for the buck isn’t that a hooker term?
i’m not sure i can contribute because i have a language barrier.
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You should totally post a follow-up to this list by using/defining each of those words in a dirty and immature way. It will be your own “business” terminology!
Great to have you back!
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patty punker Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:48 pm
hilarious! do you mean like “is that a milestone in your pocket or are you just thinking about my workstream”?
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Ah, Patty, I’ve missed you. Our vp’s favorite corporate bullshit phrase is “come to jesus meeting.” Ugh.
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patty punker Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 9:03 pm
he should be crucified.
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Why don’t you come over here so I can prescribe you some out of pocket workstream inducing ….wait…what was I saying?
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i don’t know but i like it.
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Good to see you back. What happened to “synergy.” That might be too 90′s now. I will have to start using some of these words and freaking people out. Too funny.
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patty punker Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 11:23 am
you’re right, synergy is so 90s. but how any of these words become “in vogue” is scary.
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This is not so much a term as a happening, but I loathe the “pre-meeting meeting.” Really? Do you need to have a meeting with the same people you’re going to meet with in two hours? What shit have you got to get together about that you’re not going to go over in the real meeting?!
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patty punker Reply:
October 9th, 2011 at 6:05 pm
ridiculous!
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This is the most I’ve laughed all night! You’re so funny! I love the “workstream: where’s the fish?”…still giggling out loud. Sorry you’re living the corporate nightmare, but come on, this is some good shit to write about. I work in a stupid hospital. I’m not allowed to write about nothing there. Plus they don’t say stuff like “prescribe” it really does pertain to percocet.
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true, coprorate america is good blog fodder, but living in it is a nightmare.
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I just realized that if you say “drill down” while you are angry through clenched teeth it DOES sound great!
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patty punker Reply:
October 20th, 2011 at 9:44 am
why yes it does!
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I think this post is scalable and I’m hoping you run it to ground or some such nonsense.
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patty punker Reply:
October 20th, 2011 at 9:45 am
fucking scalable. did it start out miniature? i really don’t get this language.
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Must.
Destroy.
Corporate.
Stupidity.
Yeah, I’m still in revolt mode. But really, aren’t ya gonna feel bad when someone else takes the glory?
There has to be a special corporate stun gun right?
…I’ll be checking Ebay if anyone’s looking for me.
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corporate stun gun = sheer brilliance!
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Hi Punker. When you said thought leadership my wine sort of came out of my nose. Because although they all say they want it, what they really want is to succeed with the status quo and every innovative idea you come up with will be some crazy rambling that would never work. That is the true corporate America. And Tom G, synergy is one of my very favorites.
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patty punker Reply:
November 1st, 2011 at 5:01 pm
if it’s not their idea, their pencil dick egos are crushed.
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chickens consigliere Reply:
November 1st, 2011 at 8:53 pm
hee hee. sometimes a good bashing of corporate america just feels so good. I’m with you. Wait let me do that in corporate speak: I hear what you are saying. You make a very good point.
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Ooo! Ooo! Do you want to blow any corporate rat away with your lingo? Just add -ize to the end of any word! “We are going to profitize our corporation.” “We are going to subsidize this project.” “I am going to pander-ize to our shareholders with strippers.”
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i’m going to pulverize every single one of them with a tire iron.
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