i’ve been on a bender lately punkers. last weekend there was nyc and last thursday a late-night concert with four bands (rogue wave, midlake, peter wolf crier and philadelphia’s own, restorations). then a pretty heavy weaning period this weekend. i realize i need to dial it down a notch. i’ve been partying like lilo. which made me think, i wonder what goes through her mind when she has fallen down the rabbit hole and is all tripped out from the crazy binging.

it was easy to channel lilo in my recent state which felt like something created by oliver stone with freaky angles, hallucinatory sequences, and a vaguely surreal feeling. i shared lindsay’s thoughts on twitter with the hashtag #thingslindsaylohansays. only one fun girl played along. i can always count on wicked shawn when it comes to an ingenious hashtag. she’s the diva of them.

well, it’s sunday, i’m in detox mode and feeling lazy, so here’s a quickie. things i imagine lilo says:

really, a white bra, lindsay? i thought you knew better.

my mug shot is kinda bangin’

they tried to make me go to rehab, i said ‘no, no, no’

my publicist told me the betty ford center is where you go to audition for dancing with the stars.

i thought those were pop rocks, how was i supposed to know it was crack? (wicked shawn’s cameo)

partying like a rock star is for pansies.

i blame the slammer for my being a lezzy come lately.

can i bedazzle my alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet?

feeding the homeless is a good deed because i might be one of them someday.

not bathing is my body’s natural way of masking the smell of alcohol.

sometimes the coke causes the sinus infection. sometimes it clears it up.

i don’t want my mom or dad as my conservator. i choose paris hilton.

what’s a conservator?

i plan to tell the judge this was all research for my role as linda lovelace.

it’s only right that i play her in my next film because her nickname is lilo too.

feel free to play along in the comments . . .

sent my angel off to her first year of college. it didn’t come cheap, punkers. i had to blow my wad at bed, bath and beyond, target, staples and the iStore or apple store or whatever the fuck it’s called. here’s a breakdown for those of you who have to plan for college/dorm room in the future:

bed, bath and beyond (comforter, pillows, xtra long sheets, towels, storage units, bed risers, robe, shower caddy, hangers, iron, ironing board, hamper, adhesive shit for cement walls, lamps, bulletin board, trash can, fan, etc.) $1,000

target (bathroom shit, hair shit, makeup, medicines, first aid shit, coffee maker, commuter cup, picture frames, laundry liquids, tissues, snacks, water, etc.) $500

staples (desk supplies and school supplies) $200

iStore (macbook, printer, iHome clock stereo thingy, ethernet cable) $1500

thank god she bought her own clothes and jeans.

these are london circa the 60s. they are fucking cool.

so i say now it’s my turn for some back-to-school shopping. cuz i’m selfish like that. i love fall clothes. not winter clothes, bitches, but fall clothes. for one i love when it’s time to reboot. boots rock and allow you to express your inner badass like nothing else.

here’s one new pair i bought recently.

i do my best shopping with a hangover. you might think, fuck no, i don’t have the energy to shop when i have a hangover. you think wrong. i don’t have the energy (or the head) to do anything else but shop. shopping is an instant hangover cure. like hangover sex, it just sends the headache packing.

plus when i have a hangover, i have an i-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, which means i can spend money i don’t have without thinking twice. hell, i don’t think at all with a hangover. because i can’t. because there is an elephant stepping on my head or some shit.

the other way to shop (i guess this post is turning into the punker’s guide to shopping) is to avoid those ginormous discount stores. marshalls, ross, tj maxx. i say this not because i’m a snob. well, i am a snob, but i don’t mean to be. i’d much rather be one of these salt of the earth types, but it didn’t turn out that way. fuck it.

the reason i avoid these stores is because they hurt my hangover head. it’s like sensory overload. first of all there are women’s, men’s and children’s clothes, house wares, outdoor furniture, etc. all in one store. what the fuck mr. merchandiser. the clothes aren’t organized properly. there is winter and summer shit, dresses, tanks, skirts, slacks, all on one football field length rack. the sizes are all mixed up. i hate this most with the shoes. and what happens is i find something i like, i realize it’s not my size even though it was in my size area, then i can’t find another in my size.

what an epic waste of time.

another epic waste of time–shopping for clothes online without trying them on. my dove girl ass is hard to fit so i’m not a perfect size 6. mostly cuz i’m not a size 6. but there’s nothing worse than having to return online clothes and being out the shipping money to and fro with nothing to show for it.

so what i do is go to banana republic, the gap or express, where all the shit is displayed neatly and arranged in color and size order. some of it is hung and some folded on a table. the hangers all face the same direction and they even have people who fold the clothes with a folding board. so you never find things strewn about haphazardly like you do at the discount stores. plus there are styled mannequins offering you layered outfit and accessory ideas. this is better than garanimals and quite like a bloody mary for my hangover.

when i can’t find the article of clothing in my size some uber helpful salesperson, who treats me like julia roberts was treated after richard gere ripped the sales skank a new one, will check the backroom and the other stores near me for my size. (run-on sentence much?) they will even check online and let me order right then and there. then it’s shipped to my home for free. ain’t that the shiznet?

i’ll answer for you. it is the shiznet and it makes my hangover head swirl with the happy thoughts.

grab your protective eye wear. i’m about to dazzle you with brilliance. i’ve finally figured out how to monetize my blog. no, i’m not selling my soul to the man. in fact, my plan actually circumvents that quite spectacularly. read on.

see i went to this session at blogher10 on monetizing your blog and i learned things like “just tell a good story and then tailor the message to that of the brand,”  “know your audience,” “go for a local mom and pop shop,” “approach the PR people as well as the marketing people,” “make your proposal interesting, don’t lead with visitor stats,” and “don’t be above product reviews, giveaways, contests, etc.”

no, silly bitches i didn’t learn that stuff there. i didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. but it was advice like this that sent me and my afuckingdorable friend ellyto hit the southwest porch bar in bryant park for more than our fair share of watermelonade vodka drinks.

anyhussy, a couple of days after the session, i thought to myself, “self, you know how this stuff works. there are total nimrods out there making money off their blogs . . . and you’re a total nimrod so you should be able to score, too.”

i thought about how my new friend sandy from toy with me was at blogher10 handing out we vibes to her biggest fans. yes, i’m one of her biggest fans so yes i landed that crazy couples device. yay me! and i said that’s how having a brand sponsor works. toy with me is fully sponsored by we vibe and lelo among other brands. 

that’s when it hit me! i’ll approach the warm, fuzzy people of franzia! why YESSSSS! franzia is something i am passionate about. something i believe in. something i enjoy on a nightlyoccasional basis without anyone twisting my arm. i even enjoy franzia while my arm is being twisted. and while playing twister. and over a good tongue twister. that’s how much i enjoy franzia!  i already unwittingly promote their wine by writing about my happy experiences with it here.

franzia needs me to help them take advantage of web 2.0 to get the word out.  i mean look at this sorry excuse of a wikipedia definition for the world’s most popular wine.  it states that it needs attention from an expert on the subject! that could be me, obvs. and i would happily do that for them, when sponsored.

then there’s the urban dictionary definition. only 4 entries for the world’s most popular wine! that’s just wrong. why i’d be delighted to enter a fantastic definition, blog and tweet about it, and send thousands of punkers (ok dozens, but that’s just until i become the majestic punk of franzia) to give my definition a thumbs up, when sponsored. (though i kind of like that first entry on urban dictionary. i gave it a thumbs up at no cost to franzia.)

and franzia doesn’t even have an official facebook page. there is some lame ass community page out there, but it’s not singing franzia’s praises. and no twitter account. i could run both of these for franzia, when sponsored. (or hired)

when i talk to franzia, i will propose that we do contests like the franzia box halloween costume contest. dress as your favorite franzia box for halloween. send in your pictures to the franzia box costume contest. entries will be judged on creativity, originality, scariness and/or funniness. the winner will receive one each of franzia’s 16 boxed varietials.

(i’m a vintner’s select chard girl myself. it’s a crisp white wine with apple and pear flavors and a clean finish. i’m not a fan of buttery chards. franzia is smart to offer a citrusey chard.  it pairs well with cheese, chicken and seafood.)

another thing i’ll suggest to franzia is that we have people submit a video of themself singing, dancing or rocking out about how franzia makes them feel good.  we’ll post the best video on youtube and make it go viral by facebooking, tweeting and blogging about it. and of course, anyone with a good video will post it on youtube anyway.

i’ll also propose a giveaway where people write in the comments the reason they love franzia and we’ll email them a $1 off coupon. that might not seem like a lot of money off on wine, but franzia is soooo affordable to begin with. and quite quaffable! and once we have their email address, well we’ll hit them with our direct email marketing campaigns.

so now you’re probably wondering why i love franzia. don’t pretend you’re not. well i’ll tell you and i’ll even make it interesting and interactive. interesting by writing tag lines (they currently use “world’s most popular wine” and “bringing joy to everyday life”) and interactive by letting you vote on your favorite below.

so do you think my plan will work? will franzia sponsor me? (check out my sidebar. i even opened up a space for franzia.)

follow my tweets about franzia on twitter. i wear my handle on my neck compliments of this girl.

i’ve received another blogger award. this one is called the end of days award and it’s from this dick who knows how to insult a bitch and crack her up all at the same time — with gusto. it’s pretty awesome.

there are no rules for this award. the only thing i have to do is post a short summation of what i would do if  the mayans were right about 12.21.2012.

i can do this. why the hell not. i don’t have anything else to talk about. oh except maybe this blogher10 conference i attended in nyc this weekend. essentially, it just confirmed for me that i don’t have anything to talk about. i obviously don’t take my blog seriously. fuck, i didn’t even have blogger business cards to pass out.

there are so many bloggers out there who are way more talented.  i don’t even know what i’m doing in the blogosphere.

i don’t have an original bone in my body. i’ve never even coined a word/phrase. i don’t mean like sarah palin (aka shakespeare) who coined “refudiate.”  but actual usable terms like fucktard, crapstorm, cock knuckle or lame sauce.

the homeless people on the street have more words than me. and they’re not even degreed in this shit. and they sure as shit don’t do it for a living where they might stand a chance of having the discipline beaten into them.  and i’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they can’t throw an f bomb way more poignantly.

hell, i can’t even monetize my blog properly. i don’t know how to tell a brilliant story and then tie it to the brand’s needs like one famous blogger (who shall remain unnamed). sure, i figured out how to use google ad sense but that brings in about .000000006 cents per day. however, i think after attending the blogher10 conference i have a blockbuster idea for raking in the ad dollars. just you wait and see! i may reveal it in my next post. if you’re lucky.

i did meet these awesome chicks who can blog like nobody’s business. even though i was my shy and typically socially awkard self especially upon meeting people i adore and admire for the first time, i had a blast partying like rock stars with them.

bugginword and absence of alternatives

a vapid blonde, brilliant sulk, bugginword, for the birds blog, me (who cares)

shy girl wishes she could be a fly girl or spy girl, brilliant sulk, dufmanno

isn’t that a clever title? you know it is.

i’ve been frazzled punkers. just two days to my bahamian vacay and work is in superthrottledeluxe mode so i haven’t had much time to get my social media on. including writing a post. but i did take a picture for y’all.  i’m like the motherfucking giving tree, aren’t i?

people collect shit like stamps, coins, trading cards, star wars action figures, silly bandz, hummels, bunnykins, comics, precious moments, pez dispensers, lunchboxes, tea sets, christmas villages, music boxes, snow globes, ww2 memorabilia, clocks, watches, key chains, advertisements, magazines and salt and pepper shakers.

but i’m a punk so i needed to collect something unconventional. i collect rubber ducks. awesomeness, right? today i’ve brought them out of their natural habitat (the jacuzzi tub in the master bath) and arranged them ever so orderly for your viewing pleasure. does it get anymore benevolent?

click to enlarge. you need to see these BAMFs in their full splendor.

okay so one is a rubber buddha. but how could i resist adding a rubber buddha with coffee and a cellphone to my collection? besides he fits. he’s a budda for christ sake. he fits everywhere cuz he’s all peaceable and pacifisty. poetic license. shutup.

so some i really cherish. like the soccer ball duck (back row left) my daughter, my angel bought for me. she’s a stud goalie so i thought that was tres cute. or the easter egg/bunny/lamb ones (scattered) that i had to hunt for, or the cleopatra one (front row right) that i just got during a trip to the franklin institute in philly to see the cleopatra exhibit, or the chelsea soccer duck (back row center) that mr. punker got me because it’s his favorite team.

what, you think being sappy over rubber ducks is foolish? well, it’s not. it’s cool. and not at all creepy like this:

is it a boy? a girl? a goy? what's with the scary sad eyes?

what do you collect?

it’s not everyday i get an award like this. it’s every week. so this week when i was tagged by one of my new bloggy friends, subWOW, who i’ve quickly come to love and adore, i had to accept my award and follow the rules for eligibility (following the rules is not my strongest suit, but this girl is worth it.) and i’m a suck up.

plus it’s simple: “If tagged, you need to list (and then explain your reasoning) 5 characters you’d like to do the horizontal whiplash with.”

we all know i’m a motherfucking list dork. i’ve even already done a couple of posts like this. there was my top 5 foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with and the hot couples i’d like to bang a gong with lists.

so i’m not going to repeat any of those characters just for the challenge. and two of my other beloved bloggy friends have already used some of the characters that would be on my list. wicked shawn included roux the gypsy played by johnny depp and lucy spiller played by courtney cox arquette in the show dirt and a vapid blonde included bill compton from true blood (as did subWOW).

so i better get on this shit before my characters are all taken up.

first, there’s heath ledger as patrick verona ”in 10 things i hate about you,” which is a remake of shakepeare’s “taming of the shrew.” how cool is that. he’s an outcast and he doesn’t give a fuck. but he takes a challenge seriously and could win over even the most resistant of girls.  he’s hard core, persistent and a hopeless romantic – in other words a RILF (rebel i’d to fuck).

once he won kat stratford over, she wrote this poem:

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big, dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around. And the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you — Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all”

i totally get that. and i like it. a lot. i miss you heath ledger. RIP, my dark knight.

second, there’s bill murray in “lost in translation.”  he’s snarky, subtle, gentle, adoring, a bit confused and totally up for fun no matter what time of day or night. plus that deep voice. what’s not to love:

third up is shane from the l-word.  a strong, sexy hairdresser that knows what a girl likes because obviously. and she just so happens to be the lesbian version of johnny depp. woot woot. 

i'm going to mess up that choppy hair even more

forth place belongs to sean penn. that’s right, sean penn, period. i couldn’t pick any one of sean’s characters (i’m a punk so i’m expected to cheat.) he’s just so super fucking talented. that combined with his american spirit smoking, bad boy, doesn’t take shit from anyone, i’ll kick your motherfucking ass if you take that picture, left madonna still wanting him and soulful blue eyes, i don’t even know if i can keep my irish ass down.

you're my punk soul mate

and fifth goes to harvey keitel in “the piano.” don’t judge. he’s one bad lieutenant. and played a crazy aboriginal with heartstrings for holly hunter’s piano keys. he knows how to take care of a girl waaayyy better than her wealthy land-owning husband. he’s a savage alright. in the sack.

(the vid’s a little long, bt worth it. if you have ADHD though, skip to 4:40 to get right to the harvey sexy beast love).

and now i’m tagging:

toywithme

fuckyeahmotherhood

blurt

one of the guys

melissa

i’m pretty sure “important factoid” is an oxymoron. fuck it, the title stays.

here are 10 important factoids about your punker:

1. i dislike the serial comma. the less punctuation, the better. punctuation just slows everything down. and formalizes shit. i write like i talk and the only time i pause is when i go into an absinthe trance. (although the tilda~ might be good punctuation to represent that.)

2. i used to be a catholic, a bartender and a smoker. not all at once. well i did smoke with my bestie in the cemetary while attending catholic grade school. anyhussy, the only one of the three that i miss is smoking. i just pray for one month’s notice before i die, so i can smoke my motherfucking ass off.

3. i always take the biggest, cheesiest slice of pizza. i have no qualms when it comes to my pizza. i’ll cut a bogarting bitch.

4. i don’t think farts, pirates or dane cook are funny. chances are you do but you should know that shit is not universal. and i won’t fake laugh or crack a crooked smile for it either.

5. i stockpile xanax just in case it all becomes too unbearable.  if my daughter dies or i get a horrible disease, i don’t want to live through it. i NEED control in this. sorry for the heavy, but that’s the way my brain works. i consider it forward-thinking and good planning.  also, i think i’m pretty clever outsmarting my doc to write me multiple scrips (i tell him they’re for the pms rage and no doc argues with that) and i get my insurance company to pay for them. you’re welcome.

6. i’m not a lesbian but i like to flirt with girls. especially foxy girls who give good blog like a vapid blonde, buggin word and wicked shawn.

7. i always liked yoko ono. even when everyone else blamed her for breaking up the beatles. not that i was alive then. okay maybe i was but i’m sure it was only for minutes. she makes good art. for realz. and this is one of my favorite songs that john lennon wrote about her.

Oh Yoko!

8. speaking of music, this is my favorite love song of all time.

This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)

9. i may or may not have tried heroin. but i if i had, i would have snorted it because it would have been the 80s and needles–aids… no thanks.  and if i had tried it i would have really liked the euphoria and heroin-sex but not the vomiting all night.

10. i think the jolly rancher should sell bags of the watermelon flavor 0nly.  i don’t care for the grape, cherry or blue rasberry ones. and i hate the sour apple ones. this is a huge miss on the jolly rancher’s part.

what’s an important factoid i should know about you?

a couple weeks ago mr punker and i saw chelsea handler at the tower theater in philly. we laughed our asses off (this is not a pun, but you’ll see why i mention it momentarily). damn, she is one funny girl.

then last night out of the blue this convo occurs:

mr punker: i think chelsea handler is into scat.

me: what like the music?

mr punker: no, like she’s into sex involving shit.

me: whaaat!!? where did that come from?

mr punker: cuz she’s obsessed with the hot carl. she’s brought it up a few times and mentioned it during the show.

me: what’s that one again?

mr punker: it’s where the guy puts seran wrap on the chick’s face and takes a big hot dump on it.

me:  eeewwwwww.  chelsea handler is definitely not into THAT.

mr punker: yeah i think she is. i’ve heard her talk about the cleveland steamer, too.

me: just because she talks about it, doesn’t mean she’s into it. she just thinks it’s funny.  (i know this because chelsea and i are kindred spirits. i get her mentality.)

mr punker: no she’s definitely into it; she knows all the lingo.

me: just because she knows the lingo doesn’t mean she’s into it.  you can find that stuff all over the internet. i see it in blog posts all the time.

mr punker: so people are talking about the dirty sanchez in the blogs you read?

me: well, it’s not quite related, but my friend wicked shawn took a poll recently on whether a rimshot was related to sports or sex, and the results were people overwhelmingly thought of it as a sexual term.

mr punker: what’s a rimshot?

me: um it’s when a guy cums around the ring of the butthole.

mr punker: bwahahaha! that’s a good one. the bumpkin is the funniest though.

me: what the fuck is a fuckin bumpkin? do i even want to know?

mr punker: when a chick blows you while you’re taking a dump.

me:  jesus christ that’s disgusting.

mr punker: chelsea handler probably likes the chili dog, too.

me: who’s obessesed?

well punkers if you have any good scat stuff to share with mr punker, he’d probably get a big kick out of it…

i’m feeling masochistic, punkers. not like in an S & M kind of way. not that there’s anything wrong with that.  some ass-slapping, hair-pulling, and hot wax are pretty routine play. and not that i wouldn’t try the real hard core stuff.  like the rape role playing, auto-erotic asphyxiation, or blood fetishism. (the latter, being the most intriguing cuz vampires are way seXXXy.) and i said try. i didn’t say i crave it hard or need it now. i said try as in, give it a whirl just to see what all the fuss is about.

same goes for that B&D stuff. who hasn’t tried some handcuffed to the bed posts restraint action? but i’d also be willing to give the slave collar, rope and spreader bar, or leather slingy thingy the old college try. for the sake of having the experience. like trying a new hallucinogenic.  like don’t knock it until you try it kinda thing.

but i digress. when i said i was feeling masochistic i meant i need a good public flagellation to set my punk ass straight. and i’m hoping you will give it to me.

time to go all marquis de sade on my ass

because i text and drive. in fact, i tweet, email, fb & internet (that verb’s for you bugginword) and drive. i suck donkey balls. (we’re off the sex stuff. would never try bestiality. move on with me.)  i know it’s abhorrent behavior and it makes me 20% more likely to have an accident when the odds of having an accident are already off the fucking charts.

but it’s not me i worry about, cuz i’ll say it again, i suck donkey balls and don’t deserve to be cared about. it’s the other driver that matters, the innocent victim that i’m going to end up ramming (still not going back to the sex stuff. get over it.) because my head is down and focused on my iphone.

i’ve actually come close to an accident a couple times and felt like whipping myself right then and there for being such a twat. (you got it by now.) the problem is my addictive personality and i’m full-on addicted to this shit. and i can’t get enough of all my cyberfriends. you’re all the bee’s knees and cat’s whiskers.

and now you are my floggers. so let me have it! hard and nasty. make me scream out in pain. there will be no safe word. make me feel like a beaten dog. humiliate me into subservience so i will stop this fucktardry.

Update:

the first bite from my last supper chocolate bar was particularly tasty:

easter dinner - yum!

in light of this holiday celebrating the resurrection of christ, i’d like to pay homage to my own personal jesus, aunt becky of mommywants vodka.

go to her church right after you read about her here

i worship at her altar

i read her like the bible

i learn from her like religous ed class

i pray using her psalms

her blog posts are gospel

her tweets are  homilies

i suffer her pain like the stations of the cross

i wish she were a sacrament so i could receive her

this post is in praise of her awesomeness. now go in peace.