so you might be wondering where i’ve been. not really? well, guess what …

work has its dick up my ass and i’m pinned to this pukey cheap-ass corporate carpet. in addition to my day job here, i’m also on this enterprise new media team responsible for infusing a social media plan into every line of business for this global beast.

infusing? isn’t that what you do with vodka?

i’m convinced one of the main reasons i really don’t belong in corporate america is that i don’t speaka the language. half the fucking time i don’t know what’s being said. and this special vernacular really flexes its muscle when you’re involved in a cross-functional, enterprise-wide endeavor. here are some of the words i stumble on:

workstream – whatever happened to group, work group, team? now it’s a workstream. what does that even mean? are there fish in it?

 out-of-pocket – you’re not available, what??

prescribe – you’re not a doctor and so you’re not prescribing things. and if you are, then hook me up with some percocet.

hypotheses – this is a science term. i tune out because this does not apply to me.

synthesize – can’t we just put shit together?

traction – this is what my beamer has none of in the snow.

milestone – this  applies to birthdays and anniversaries, significant things. how is every task a milestone? *shakes head*

sustainable – of course corp america had to jump on this ecological bandwagon. well i laugh to myself everytime i hear it in a meeting because i think of an erection.

cadence – this has to do with the rhythm of voice or music. why are you using it to mean frequency?

thought leadership – this is what steve jobs did, it implies innovation,  i don’t see much of that here or in other big corporations. i just see a bunch of over-compensated exceutives. (alright i won’t go there today.)

this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it would be much easier for me to succeed if people would stop trying to impress everyone in the room and just speak some good old fashioned english. like those people in the movie fargo.

soa the reason i’ve been absent from the blogosphere is because i was moving into an apartment. and the reason i was moving into an apartment was because i was separating from my husband after 20+ years of marriage, raising a family and building a home together. i’m not going into all of the heavy stuff on my blog out of love and respect for mr. punker.

but i sure as shit am going to talk about all of the superficial consequences this has wrought.  (why oh why do i use nouns like “shit” and verbs like “wrought” in the same goddamn sentence? because i can, punkers, because i can. )

anyhussy, here are some of my first impressions of being on my own in an apartment:

i miss having a hose on my kitchen sink. how are you supposed to fill the water reservoir of your keurig coffeemaker without a hose?

how do you get rid of the food debris in your sink without a garbage disposal? especially when you don’t have a motherfucking hose!

nordstrom’s is really expensive.

how do you know if it’s a cockroach or a beetle? (please tell me cockroaches don’t exist in the burbs.)

raising the lid on a dumpster really skeeves me out.

what did people do before coat closets and innovative storage solutions? (i had to buy a fucking garment rack and send the rest of my babies to goodwill.)

take my advice: one needs at least a two bedroom apartment to have enough space for shoes.

just because the previous owner and his/her cat are gone, the fucking linen closet still smells like cat piss litter box ammonia pungent blechhh something fierce.

gonzo volcanic rock bags really work as an odor eliminator. (paid advertisement welcome.)

i think the girl downstairs leaves a pair of size 13 men’s work boots outside of her door as a deterrent because i’ve never seen a male coming or going from her place. brilliant actually.

the property manager refers to me as sweetie. ”i’ll put in a work ticket for you, sweetie.”  and the maintenance man calls me senora. “toilet paper holder es ok now, senora.”

ulta, bed bath and beyond, and victoria’s secrets coupons have not followed me to my new address. grrrrr.

this was my first housewarming gift from the glitter gang bangers, a vapid blonde, absence of alternatives, wicked shawn, buggin word, duffmano, brilliant sulk, for the birds, and lagunatic.

isn't it the glitteriest, happiest rubber ducky key chain you've ever seen? i think i will name her "bijou." whaddaya think?

and the real kicker …

i have to lay down my franzia box in the fridge. when i want to tap it, i have to pull it out and put it on the counter. wtf whirlpool engineers!  there’s a minimum shelf height for a refrigerator and it should include ample head room for an upright franzia box!

ps: i also want to thank sister merry hellish, the barreness, and buggin word for the posts they wrote/dedicated to me during this trying time. your love means the world to me.

tonight will be very special for me. i’m going to THE PUB for dinner. THE PUB is a steakhouse located right outside of philadelphia on the airport circle in new jersey for over 50 years. nothing has changed in those 50 years. 

cover of THE PUB menu

housed in a gigantic tudor building, THE PUB is a classic example of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” once you walk through the heavy wood doors you are welcomed by a warm medieval atmosphere with cozy details like olde english stone floors, stained glass windows, dark wooden beams, gallows, and swords. among my favorite touches in the decor are the wagon wheel chandeliers and the large kegs mounted to the walls in the lounge.

so it’s a little dark. more reason to feel comfortable and relaxed.  this kind of uniqueness can’t be found at any other steakhouse. i don’t know why morton’s, smith and wollensky, the palm, or ruth’s chris haven’t stumbled upon this business model for their restaurants. sophisticated blandness. that’s what they are.

i like that there is always a wait when i go to THE PUB. beginning the PUB experience with a wait in the lounge is just super deluxe fun. i think all of the bartenders are WWII vets without the PTSD experienced by vets of other wars because these guys can get their drink on. and do they know how to make a cocktail! i like to kick it olde school and get a whiskey sour poured with a heavy, likely stewed, hand. THE PUB is also cool because you can order a flagon of wine. i personally recommend the chilled cabernet sauvignon.

notice the flagons of wine

THE PUB house wine is quite quaffable even to the most discrimating wine snob. not that i’d take any of my wine snob friends to THE PUB because they just wouldn’t get it. they’d be all hung up on there being no valet parking and would be all verklempt upon entering that they couldn’t appreciate THE PUB’s charm.

the dining room is dominated on one wall by the large hearth and is manned by chefs wearing aprons and chef toques. because the kitchen is in the dining room there is a boisterousness that puts you at ease.

the hostess and serving staff are all so sweet and call you hun in their sexy too-many pall malls voices.  i always feel bad for them though cuz usually they’re on their second work shift for the day having left a 12-hour shift at the diner. they stay fueled by the sambuca shots the manager gives them in the back. i know this because they’re friendly enough to share it with me.

and now for the menu ….

 THE PUB fare is to die for. savory is right! i always get the house special filet with herb seasoned sauteed brown onions which are on the house. SweeeeeeeeT! and before you say to yourself, omg THE PUB is giving this shit away, let me tell you about THE PUB FREE BEES.  that’s right, all of this is included with your entree….

fuck yeah!  i’m salivating just thinking about PUB hearth baked bread and PUB made mashed potatoes.

besides a truly spectacular dining experience. the main reason i love THE PUB is that i am always the most beautiful girl in the room.  i don’t know why this is. it’s a mystery to me why all of the superleggy paper thin supermodels from ny and philly aren’t frequenting THE PUB, but they foolishly only do swanky. medieval is where it’s at. their loss is my gain because i’d like to keep this mammoth hidden gem all to pretty myself, thank you.