i’ve been on a bender lately punkers. last weekend there was nyc and last thursday a late-night concert with four bands (rogue wave, midlake, peter wolf crier and philadelphia’s own, restorations). then a pretty heavy weaning period this weekend. i realize i need to dial it down a notch. i’ve been partying like lilo. which made me think, i wonder what goes through her mind when she has fallen down the rabbit hole and is all tripped out from the crazy binging.

it was easy to channel lilo in my recent state which felt like something created by oliver stone with freaky angles, hallucinatory sequences, and a vaguely surreal feeling. i shared lindsay’s thoughts on twitter with the hashtag #thingslindsaylohansays. only one fun girl played along. i can always count on wicked shawn when it comes to an ingenious hashtag. she’s the diva of them.

well, it’s sunday, i’m in detox mode and feeling lazy, so here’s a quickie. things i imagine lilo says:

really, a white bra, lindsay? i thought you knew better.

my mug shot is kinda bangin’

they tried to make me go to rehab, i said ‘no, no, no’

my publicist told me the betty ford center is where you go to audition for dancing with the stars.

i thought those were pop rocks, how was i supposed to know it was crack? (wicked shawn’s cameo)

partying like a rock star is for pansies.

i blame the slammer for my being a lezzy come lately.

can i bedazzle my alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet?

feeding the homeless is a good deed because i might be one of them someday.

not bathing is my body’s natural way of masking the smell of alcohol.

sometimes the coke causes the sinus infection. sometimes it clears it up.

i don’t want my mom or dad as my conservator. i choose paris hilton.

what’s a conservator?

i plan to tell the judge this was all research for my role as linda lovelace.

it’s only right that i play her in my next film because her nickname is lilo too.

feel free to play along in the comments . . .

i finally had a little spare time today and was able to catch up on some of my favorite bloggers. i should have started looking for a new job because i really want to make more money. i figure if i’m going to wilt  in the corporate world away under fluorescent lights, i should at least be compensated better for the ass raping my pain and suffering.

also other people are moving up around me and i just keep thinking what the fuck am i doing wrong? frat boys and ass lickers who work part-time hours are getting promoted to the likes of assistant vp positions.

my title: piss ant.

also if you really think about what i just said you’d realize the senior vp doing the promoting likes her ass licked. doesn’t that say it all?

i need out.

but looking for a new job is just too heavy a task for me today. i was in nyc over the weekend looking at art. went to the matisse show at moma. it’s been too long since i’ve been to moma. damn, that’s a fun museum. i really love modern art something fierce. it lifts my spirits and makes me feel less alienated. that’s huge, punkers. cuz like major tom i’ve hit an all time low at work and really feel like a space oddity lately.

but then again some modern art leaves me flummoxed. for instance, i think this installation was just too modern even for me.

yeah, i don't get it either.

anyhussy, i also partied like lilo in nyc and am rendered useless today. so job hunting is out and reading my bloggy buddies is in. like modern art, they make me happy. they calm me down. distract me from the dissonance in my head.  (btw, that’s two motherfucking awesome words i’ve used in this post. flummoxed and dissonance. count with me.)

they show me love. they give me shelter from the storm.

recently three of them gave me props on their audacious blogs.  (yep, we’re up to three) midwesternmama, dufmanno, and wicked shawn all turned my frown upside down just by mentioning me.

then one of my all-time faves, midget man of steel, visited and commented on my blog for the first time ever.  i was like SCORE!

and one of my most loyal followers started a blog on turkey trading and alluded (four or no?) to my having been an inspiration for her blog on facebook. ok, it’s not really about turkey trading, it’s about stock trading but you need to read her to get the background.

and the greatest love of all came from elly. she learned a song for me on herbert the ukele and gave me shivers all down my spine.  i’m not kidding, i was so moved i cried listening to her sing and play it.

so maybe i don’t want a new job after all. with a new job comes more responsibility and less time for the blogosphere. and that would make patty punker a very sad girl.

also to every single one of you on my blogroll: thank you for making my world a happier place and bludgeoning (definitely four now) my demons on a regular basis. you are all so original and inspiring to me. i love you all. 

take me away with you my loves.

i’ve received another blogger award. this one is called the end of days award and it’s from this dick who knows how to insult a bitch and crack her up all at the same time — with gusto. it’s pretty awesome.

there are no rules for this award. the only thing i have to do is post a short summation of what i would do if  the mayans were right about 12.21.2012.

i can do this. why the hell not. i don’t have anything else to talk about. oh except maybe this blogher10 conference i attended in nyc this weekend. essentially, it just confirmed for me that i don’t have anything to talk about. i obviously don’t take my blog seriously. fuck, i didn’t even have blogger business cards to pass out.

there are so many bloggers out there who are way more talented.  i don’t even know what i’m doing in the blogosphere.

i don’t have an original bone in my body. i’ve never even coined a word/phrase. i don’t mean like sarah palin (aka shakespeare) who coined “refudiate.”  but actual usable terms like fucktard, crapstorm, cock knuckle or lame sauce.

the homeless people on the street have more words than me. and they’re not even degreed in this shit. and they sure as shit don’t do it for a living where they might stand a chance of having the discipline beaten into them.  and i’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they can’t throw an f bomb way more poignantly.

hell, i can’t even monetize my blog properly. i don’t know how to tell a brilliant story and then tie it to the brand’s needs like one famous blogger (who shall remain unnamed). sure, i figured out how to use google ad sense but that brings in about .000000006 cents per day. however, i think after attending the blogher10 conference i have a blockbuster idea for raking in the ad dollars. just you wait and see! i may reveal it in my next post. if you’re lucky.

i did meet these awesome chicks who can blog like nobody’s business. even though i was my shy and typically socially awkard self especially upon meeting people i adore and admire for the first time, i had a blast partying like rock stars with them.

bugginword and absence of alternatives

a vapid blonde, brilliant sulk, bugginword, for the birds blog, me (who cares)

shy girl wishes she could be a fly girl or spy girl, brilliant sulk, dufmanno

i’m pretty sure “important factoid” is an oxymoron. fuck it, the title stays.

here are 10 important factoids about your punker:

1. i dislike the serial comma. the less punctuation, the better. punctuation just slows everything down. and formalizes shit. i write like i talk and the only time i pause is when i go into an absinthe trance. (although the tilda~ might be good punctuation to represent that.)

2. i used to be a catholic, a bartender and a smoker. not all at once. well i did smoke with my bestie in the cemetary while attending catholic grade school. anyhussy, the only one of the three that i miss is smoking. i just pray for one month’s notice before i die, so i can smoke my motherfucking ass off.

3. i always take the biggest, cheesiest slice of pizza. i have no qualms when it comes to my pizza. i’ll cut a bogarting bitch.

4. i don’t think farts, pirates or dane cook are funny. chances are you do but you should know that shit is not universal. and i won’t fake laugh or crack a crooked smile for it either.

5. i stockpile xanax just in case it all becomes too unbearable.  if my daughter dies or i get a horrible disease, i don’t want to live through it. i NEED control in this. sorry for the heavy, but that’s the way my brain works. i consider it forward-thinking and good planning.  also, i think i’m pretty clever outsmarting my doc to write me multiple scrips (i tell him they’re for the pms rage and no doc argues with that) and i get my insurance company to pay for them. you’re welcome.

6. i’m not a lesbian but i like to flirt with girls. especially foxy girls who give good blog like a vapid blonde, buggin word and wicked shawn.

7. i always liked yoko ono. even when everyone else blamed her for breaking up the beatles. not that i was alive then. okay maybe i was but i’m sure it was only for minutes. she makes good art. for realz. and this is one of my favorite songs that john lennon wrote about her.

Oh Yoko!

8. speaking of music, this is my favorite love song of all time.

This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)

9. i may or may not have tried heroin. but i if i had, i would have snorted it because it would have been the 80s and needles–aids… no thanks.  and if i had tried it i would have really liked the euphoria and heroin-sex but not the vomiting all night.

10. i think the jolly rancher should sell bags of the watermelon flavor 0nly.  i don’t care for the grape, cherry or blue rasberry ones. and i hate the sour apple ones. this is a huge miss on the jolly rancher’s part.

what’s an important factoid i should know about you?

you may already know that girls bore me. the only thing that bores me more is perfect couples. you know the type. in high school it was the head cheerdancer who sprouted a perfect rack in middle school and the jockstrap quarterback. in college it was … well i smoked too much hash and ate too many mushrooms in college so i don’t remember who it was. and as adults it’s these people:

not fun

do you see an edge here? of course not. they’re perfect and don’t know how to have fun. they’re in training for some marathon. always. and they get all wacky the night before their marathons and and have wild carbo-loading parties. riveting.

no, what i like is a badass couple. a rockstar couple that doesn’t give a flying fuck what people think.  they’re just true to their firey desires. they’re a hot mess and fucked everywhichway but loose. and that’s why i study these couples:

she tastes just like a peach

clarence and alabama are the epitome of true romance and living on the edge. clarence is an elvis impersonator and alabama is a hooker. clarence becomes her hero when he kills her pimp and steals his suitcase of coke. these two soul mates head to cali to sell the coke and all along they have the mob on their trail. there’s tons of blood, rape and murder, but in the end, here’s what alabama says:

“Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: you’re so cool, you’re so cool, you’re so cool.”

speaking of blood, there’s these two:

note his blood necklace. that's hot, motherfucker.

ohmyfuckinggod! wearing each other’s blood on a necklace is so erotic. just shut up, this is my fantasy, bitches.  i always imagined them alone in some isolated cabin in the woods doing wicked pagan things like cutting each other and making a suicide pact so they could be together for all of eternity.

and the rad couple who actually pulled off the ultimate suicide pact? romeo and juliet. these two BAMFs couldn’t live without each other so they killed themselves to preserve their forbidden love forever. and delivered a big fuck you to their feuding fams.

hard core elizabethans

then there is the punk romeo and juliet, sid and nancy.

vicious is delicious

ok, so he stabbed her to death, but they were always talking about killing themselves. and after it happened he proclaimed he couldn’t live without her and hadn’t kept his end of the bargain.  when he was released from prison he intentionally overdosed to be with her again. their lives were full of violence, volatility, and the ecstasy of heroin. tragically punk and tragically sexy!

alright, alright enough about the seductiveness of suicide pacts. let’s get back to fun. and who had more fun than these gangstas?

guns are a rush

bonnie and clyde. nothing gets the libido pounding like being outlaw bank robbers. i’d seriously like to try this shit. just for the mothefucking rush. or at least i’d like to join these gun-toting, cigar-smoking punks in a bed strewn with stolen cash and a smoking pistol.

more exhilirating than serial bank robbing couples might just be serial killing couples.

psychopaths are sexy

mickey and mallory are natural born killers. he helps her kill her sexual abusing father and enabling mother and they go off on a killing spree across route 666.  along the way they tease and tantalize their victims, and kill just for kicks. hey a kick is a kick. never knock a kick because we don’t get enough of them in life. these two were tight and had some trippy, psychedelic sex. tell me this convo isn’t romantic:

Mickey: The whole world’s comin’ to an end, Mal!
Mallory: I see angels, Mickey. They’re comin’ down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin’ a big red horse, and you’re driving them horses, whippin’ ‘em, and they’re spitting and frothing all ‘long the mouth, and they’re coming right at us. And I see the future, and there’s no death, ’cause you and I, we’re angels…
Mickey: I love you, Mal.
Mallory: I know you do baby, and I’ve loved you since the day we met.

and last but most important, fight club’s own tyler and marla.

crazy sex gives me goose bumps

he forms fight clubs where men act out their aggressions and violently beat each other to a pulp. and she is a disturbing, chain-smoking, sex-starved tourist. amongst the blood, violence and xanax overdoses, these two have THE MOST stupendous sex in the world. in one scene she is yelping in ecstasy as they are pounding away and it’s causing plaster to fall from the ceiling in the room below them where jack the narrator (or everyman) sits.  marla says:

“My God. I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.”  epic.

who are your favorite badass couples?

i know my gritty shit and i’m a list dork.  so here are the top 10 tv shows for the decade:

10. entourage - every single person on this show has the sexiest swagger eva. when marky mark produces, you’re guaranteed mind moonshine. bonus points for great soundtracks.

9. chelsea lately - chelsea handler is my own personal jesus. (see girls bore me.) amen sista.

8. 30 rock - when writer and player, tina fey (the lady gaga of television humor) and alec baldwin (the president of in-your-face television humor) get together the result is the best comedy you’ll ever see on network television. 

7. united state of tara - diablo cody (see girls bore me) and toni collette deliver us some very memorable characters: buck the kickass redneck, T the teenage twat, alice the happy homemaker (i want what she’s smoking!), and of course tara an awesome mom who came clean about her multiple personalities.

6. dexter - original premise is brilliant and remains solid: homicide blood spatter analyst is a serial killer himself and kills the serial killers in his cases. talk about a decent mind fuck.  john lithgow was totally compelling as a serial killer in the last season.

5. house - a little opiate does wonders for a doctor’s diagnostic skills.  love me an arrogant oxy-fed doc with a limp.

4. mad men - cigarettes, martinis, girls who wear dresses, gloves, hats and beehives, men who wear hats, and the ad game during the ogilivy era. what a wicked game they play. best hairdo of the decade at right.

3. californication - this story chronicles the life of hank moody, the author who penned “God Hates Us All” and “Fucking and Punching.” need i say more? ok, then: david duchovony, david duchovony, david duchony.

2. nurse jackie – a little opiate does wonders for a girl’s libido. plus she’s edgy enough to be one of the girls i could be tight with. see girls bore me.

1. six feet under - you can’t go wrong when you combine the morbid, morose, pursuit of art, and heavy drama among quirky people. my heart raced and i cried like a baby at many an episode. plus driving a hearse as your personal vehicle is so badass. amazing soundtracks to boot.