i’ve got some digits for you to chew on, punkers. (i’ll emphasize the grizzly bits. i’m sure you’ll want to spit them out as soon as you bite down on them.) did you know that . . .

“CEOs of major U.S. companies today make more in a day than their average employees make in a year. (fuckers) Last year, CEOs made an average of $10.8 million in total compensation, including stock options grants, according to an Associated Press survey of 386 Fortune 500 companies.  That’s more than 364 times the pay of an average worker and 885 times the annual income of a full-time minimum wage earner. (make that motherfuckers)

“A chief executive officer of a Standard & Poor’s (S&P) 500 index company was paid, on average, $9.25 million in total compensation in 2009. At the same time, millions of workers lost their jobs, their homes and their retirement savings in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.” (they better all have massive fucking super powers because i don’t see anyone being worth $9.25M or more per year unless they can shape shift into a brilliant medical scientist that actually finds a painless way to dissolve hemmorhoids.)

so that chart pretty much represents how the execs at my company are compensated. in addition to the inflated salaries and bonuses, management investment opportunity and stock options, a savings incentive retirement plan and deferred compensation, they get the following benefits and perks (you must click. this is the best part of this post. page is taken from actual executive leadership package at my company):

this is my favorite piece to edit each year. isn’t there an over-compensated corporate exec that can work on these packages instead of some lowly corporate shit-for-brains like me? cuz ya know what, it pisses me off. it turns me all kinds of jade in the face. that’s jade as in jaded and not green as in envy. they’re all so fucking spoiled. know what? we hand-deliver their executive total rewards packages to them rather than risk sending them through the base u.s postal service. they might get tattered. wah! wah! wah!

so now it’s budget time at my company and evidently these executives are asking for further cuts (e.g., cutting heads, eliminating salary increases, raising the employee cost on benefits, locking up the office supplies – that’s my favorite, i’d like to see the projected annual dollar savings on paper clips).

do you think these cock knuckles would forego their FAT FUCKING executive benefits and perquisites package so they could give the masses a meager raise? would they consider for a second eliminating their own bonuses instead of cutting some peon whose job means everything to him and his family?

of course they wouldn’t.

these pudsuckers are cutting jobs and benefits and blaming it on the economy — all to protect their oversized compensation packages. (clearly there’s a napolean ratio in here somewhere). what about focusing on innovation and better (safer, more eco-friendly, sustainable) products and services? huh, what about that, fucktards? i say executive compensation is the first thing that needs to be fixed in this busted economy.

i hope obama sticks it to them. and it itches. and burns. and they’ve already fired the person who had the actual brains to develop a creme for that.

sent my angel off to her first year of college. it didn’t come cheap, punkers. i had to blow my wad at bed, bath and beyond, target, staples and the iStore or apple store or whatever the fuck it’s called. here’s a breakdown for those of you who have to plan for college/dorm room in the future:

bed, bath and beyond (comforter, pillows, xtra long sheets, towels, storage units, bed risers, robe, shower caddy, hangers, iron, ironing board, hamper, adhesive shit for cement walls, lamps, bulletin board, trash can, fan, etc.) $1,000

target (bathroom shit, hair shit, makeup, medicines, first aid shit, coffee maker, commuter cup, picture frames, laundry liquids, tissues, snacks, water, etc.) $500

staples (desk supplies and school supplies) $200

iStore (macbook, printer, iHome clock stereo thingy, ethernet cable) $1500

thank god she bought her own clothes and jeans.

these are london circa the 60s. they are fucking cool.

so i say now it’s my turn for some back-to-school shopping. cuz i’m selfish like that. i love fall clothes. not winter clothes, bitches, but fall clothes. for one i love when it’s time to reboot. boots rock and allow you to express your inner badass like nothing else.

here’s one new pair i bought recently.

i do my best shopping with a hangover. you might think, fuck no, i don’t have the energy to shop when i have a hangover. you think wrong. i don’t have the energy (or the head) to do anything else but shop. shopping is an instant hangover cure. like hangover sex, it just sends the headache packing.

plus when i have a hangover, i have an i-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, which means i can spend money i don’t have without thinking twice. hell, i don’t think at all with a hangover. because i can’t. because there is an elephant stepping on my head or some shit.

the other way to shop (i guess this post is turning into the punker’s guide to shopping) is to avoid those ginormous discount stores. marshalls, ross, tj maxx. i say this not because i’m a snob. well, i am a snob, but i don’t mean to be. i’d much rather be one of these salt of the earth types, but it didn’t turn out that way. fuck it.

the reason i avoid these stores is because they hurt my hangover head. it’s like sensory overload. first of all there are women’s, men’s and children’s clothes, house wares, outdoor furniture, etc. all in one store. what the fuck mr. merchandiser. the clothes aren’t organized properly. there is winter and summer shit, dresses, tanks, skirts, slacks, all on one football field length rack. the sizes are all mixed up. i hate this most with the shoes. and what happens is i find something i like, i realize it’s not my size even though it was in my size area, then i can’t find another in my size.

what an epic waste of time.

another epic waste of time–shopping for clothes online without trying them on. my dove girl ass is hard to fit so i’m not a perfect size 6. mostly cuz i’m not a size 6. but there’s nothing worse than having to return online clothes and being out the shipping money to and fro with nothing to show for it.

so what i do is go to banana republic, the gap or express, where all the shit is displayed neatly and arranged in color and size order. some of it is hung and some folded on a table. the hangers all face the same direction and they even have people who fold the clothes with a folding board. so you never find things strewn about haphazardly like you do at the discount stores. plus there are styled mannequins offering you layered outfit and accessory ideas. this is better than garanimals and quite like a bloody mary for my hangover.

when i can’t find the article of clothing in my size some uber helpful salesperson, who treats me like julia roberts was treated after richard gere ripped the sales skank a new one, will check the backroom and the other stores near me for my size. (run-on sentence much?) they will even check online and let me order right then and there. then it’s shipped to my home for free. ain’t that the shiznet?

i’ll answer for you. it is the shiznet and it makes my hangover head swirl with the happy thoughts.

grab your protective eye wear. i’m about to dazzle you with brilliance. i’ve finally figured out how to monetize my blog. no, i’m not selling my soul to the man. in fact, my plan actually circumvents that quite spectacularly. read on.

see i went to this session at blogher10 on monetizing your blog and i learned things like “just tell a good story and then tailor the message to that of the brand,”  “know your audience,” “go for a local mom and pop shop,” “approach the PR people as well as the marketing people,” “make your proposal interesting, don’t lead with visitor stats,” and “don’t be above product reviews, giveaways, contests, etc.”

no, silly bitches i didn’t learn that stuff there. i didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. but it was advice like this that sent me and my afuckingdorable friend ellyto hit the southwest porch bar in bryant park for more than our fair share of watermelonade vodka drinks.

anyhussy, a couple of days after the session, i thought to myself, “self, you know how this stuff works. there are total nimrods out there making money off their blogs . . . and you’re a total nimrod so you should be able to score, too.”

i thought about how my new friend sandy from toy with me was at blogher10 handing out we vibes to her biggest fans. yes, i’m one of her biggest fans so yes i landed that crazy couples device. yay me! and i said that’s how having a brand sponsor works. toy with me is fully sponsored by we vibe and lelo among other brands. 

that’s when it hit me! i’ll approach the warm, fuzzy people of franzia! why YESSSSS! franzia is something i am passionate about. something i believe in. something i enjoy on a nightlyoccasional basis without anyone twisting my arm. i even enjoy franzia while my arm is being twisted. and while playing twister. and over a good tongue twister. that’s how much i enjoy franzia!  i already unwittingly promote their wine by writing about my happy experiences with it here.

franzia needs me to help them take advantage of web 2.0 to get the word out.  i mean look at this sorry excuse of a wikipedia definition for the world’s most popular wine.  it states that it needs attention from an expert on the subject! that could be me, obvs. and i would happily do that for them, when sponsored.

then there’s the urban dictionary definition. only 4 entries for the world’s most popular wine! that’s just wrong. why i’d be delighted to enter a fantastic definition, blog and tweet about it, and send thousands of punkers (ok dozens, but that’s just until i become the majestic punk of franzia) to give my definition a thumbs up, when sponsored. (though i kind of like that first entry on urban dictionary. i gave it a thumbs up at no cost to franzia.)

and franzia doesn’t even have an official facebook page. there is some lame ass community page out there, but it’s not singing franzia’s praises. and no twitter account. i could run both of these for franzia, when sponsored. (or hired)

when i talk to franzia, i will propose that we do contests like the franzia box halloween costume contest. dress as your favorite franzia box for halloween. send in your pictures to the franzia box costume contest. entries will be judged on creativity, originality, scariness and/or funniness. the winner will receive one each of franzia’s 16 boxed varietials.

(i’m a vintner’s select chard girl myself. it’s a crisp white wine with apple and pear flavors and a clean finish. i’m not a fan of buttery chards. franzia is smart to offer a citrusey chard.  it pairs well with cheese, chicken and seafood.)

another thing i’ll suggest to franzia is that we have people submit a video of themself singing, dancing or rocking out about how franzia makes them feel good.  we’ll post the best video on youtube and make it go viral by facebooking, tweeting and blogging about it. and of course, anyone with a good video will post it on youtube anyway.

i’ll also propose a giveaway where people write in the comments the reason they love franzia and we’ll email them a $1 off coupon. that might not seem like a lot of money off on wine, but franzia is soooo affordable to begin with. and quite quaffable! and once we have their email address, well we’ll hit them with our direct email marketing campaigns.

so now you’re probably wondering why i love franzia. don’t pretend you’re not. well i’ll tell you and i’ll even make it interesting and interactive. interesting by writing tag lines (they currently use “world’s most popular wine” and “bringing joy to everyday life”) and interactive by letting you vote on your favorite below.

so do you think my plan will work? will franzia sponsor me? (check out my sidebar. i even opened up a space for franzia.)

follow my tweets about franzia on twitter. i wear my handle on my neck compliments of this girl.

i’ve received another blogger award. this one is called the end of days award and it’s from this dick who knows how to insult a bitch and crack her up all at the same time — with gusto. it’s pretty awesome.

there are no rules for this award. the only thing i have to do is post a short summation of what i would do if  the mayans were right about 12.21.2012.

i can do this. why the hell not. i don’t have anything else to talk about. oh except maybe this blogher10 conference i attended in nyc this weekend. essentially, it just confirmed for me that i don’t have anything to talk about. i obviously don’t take my blog seriously. fuck, i didn’t even have blogger business cards to pass out.

there are so many bloggers out there who are way more talented.  i don’t even know what i’m doing in the blogosphere.

i don’t have an original bone in my body. i’ve never even coined a word/phrase. i don’t mean like sarah palin (aka shakespeare) who coined “refudiate.”  but actual usable terms like fucktard, crapstorm, cock knuckle or lame sauce.

the homeless people on the street have more words than me. and they’re not even degreed in this shit. and they sure as shit don’t do it for a living where they might stand a chance of having the discipline beaten into them.  and i’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they can’t throw an f bomb way more poignantly.

hell, i can’t even monetize my blog properly. i don’t know how to tell a brilliant story and then tie it to the brand’s needs like one famous blogger (who shall remain unnamed). sure, i figured out how to use google ad sense but that brings in about .000000006 cents per day. however, i think after attending the blogher10 conference i have a blockbuster idea for raking in the ad dollars. just you wait and see! i may reveal it in my next post. if you’re lucky.

i did meet these awesome chicks who can blog like nobody’s business. even though i was my shy and typically socially awkard self especially upon meeting people i adore and admire for the first time, i had a blast partying like rock stars with them.

bugginword and absence of alternatives

a vapid blonde, brilliant sulk, bugginword, for the birds blog, me (who cares)

shy girl wishes she could be a fly girl or spy girl, brilliant sulk, dufmanno

who doesn’t like a bad boy? but way more bad ass is the wicked girl. and i got one in my corner. her name is wicked shawn because she is wicked in all the right ways. recently (okay, awhile ago but i’ve been in a time cluster fuck) shawn presented me with this awesome award:

it made me blush and all giddy like a school girl. and who doesn’t like that feeling? no one doesn’t like that feeling, that’s who. so thank you my wicked goddess.

here are the rules:

1. i love polka dots. everything looks good with polka dots. shirts, sweaters, skirts, dresses, bikinis, thongs, scarves, hats … it’s just the happiest fashion detail around.

2. i’m obsessed with hot fries. if i’m going to consume all those calories and fat, and enjoy every second of it, my fries must be hot. cold fries are unacceptable. i will send back the fries even if they’re lukewarm. if you’re thinking i’m high maintenance, you’re right. what’s your point, bitches?

3. a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, i used to have short spiky annie lennox hair. and my grandma would say to me, “trishy trish, why don’t you grow your hair? you don’t look feminine with that short hair.”  i thought i was the bomb-diggety. but turns out grandma was right. when i look back at pictures of me with my punk do, i realized i could mimic annie lennox’s hair but i didn’t have her face. and short hair requires that you give good face.

4. i’ve always wanted to use the phrase ”… can suck my dick!” suck my dick has punch. i like punch. verbal punch, rum punch, punch buggies, punch and judy, punching bags, junk punch. suck my lady bits doesn’t have quite the same ring.

5. i live in nj and i don’t like bon jovi. especially that living on a prayer song. yeah i said it. it’s bubble gum rock. jbj is a better actor than a rocker. now keith richards, he’s a rocker. jbj is, well, cute and cuddly with tight jeans. but keith won’t remember your name and can’t keep his jeans from falling off his heroine-hot ass. after a night of debauchery jbj would say, “we regret the disturbance and apologize to the hotel guests and administration. we intend to provide full restitution for any damages.” keith would say “those bloody pigs can suck my dick.”

6. beignets and chicory coffee from the cafe du monde in new orleans is the perfect breakfast.

7. this song makes me swirl with emotion. it’s melancholy and celebratory all at once. it stirs pathos in me. it’s got crescendo. and it moves me to shout-sing. play it now and play it loud, people!

The Only Living Boy In New York

and if i mentioned music twice in my list of seven, it’s because i fucking love music. for some this is nothing new. for others, this is a bonus list item. and for those who don’t like music, you can suck my dick.

now here are the five bloggers i’m presenting with this award:

1. A Vapid Blonde
2. Absence of Alternatives
3. Annah Banana
4. Midwestern Mamah
5. Dufmanno

Update:

the first bite from my last supper chocolate bar was particularly tasty:

easter dinner - yum!

in light of this holiday celebrating the resurrection of christ, i’d like to pay homage to my own personal jesus, aunt becky of mommywants vodka.

go to her church right after you read about her here

i worship at her altar

i read her like the bible

i learn from her like religous ed class

i pray using her psalms

her blog posts are gospel

her tweets are  homilies

i suffer her pain like the stations of the cross

i wish she were a sacrament so i could receive her

this post is in praise of her awesomeness. now go in peace.

one of the reasons i wanted health care reform to pass was because i happen to have a few pre-existing conditions and wouldn’t be able to get health insurance on my own at a cost anywhere less than $50k per year. so i have to work for the sluggish corporatey goliaths lead by douchey ex-student body presidents, mean girls all grown-up, type A blowhards, spotlight whores, and mirror gazers.

but what the insurance companies don’t understand is that I really don’t have any physical conditions at all.

i just hurt in weird places.

see, life’s emotional shit manifests itself in my body physical. this is evidence-based medical science people and has been proven in double blind placebo-controlled clinical trials. or something like that.

all I know is the emotional-physical connection is undeniable. and I think the name for it is referred pain. or something like that.

how do I know this? because once the emotional factor is removed from my life, my condition goes into remission and I no longer need expensive health care services like specialist visits, MRIs, ultrasounds, or surgeries that end in ectomy or scopy.

The diagram below shows the type of chronic health conditions the insurance companies think I have that make me an expensive risk, and the actual causes and treatments:

now isn’t it obvious just how silly those insurance companies’ medical underwriting systems are? i might have a few flaws here and there, but they can all be fixed for next to nothing.

(but if the insurance companies want to continue to pay for my recreational drugs, that would be super awesome. i’d be willing to pay a little more in premiums for the convenience.)