one of the reasons i wanted health care reform to pass was because i happen to have a few pre-existing conditions and wouldn’t be able to get health insurance on my own at a cost anywhere less than $50k per year. so i have to work for the sluggish corporatey goliaths lead by douchey ex-student body presidents, mean girls all grown-up, type A blowhards, spotlight whores, and mirror gazers.

but what the insurance companies don’t understand is that I really don’t have any physical conditions at all.

i just hurt in weird places.

see, life’s emotional shit manifests itself in my body physical. this is evidence-based medical science people and has been proven in double blind placebo-controlled clinical trials. or something like that.

all I know is the emotional-physical connection is undeniable. and I think the name for it is referred pain. or something like that.

how do I know this? because once the emotional factor is removed from my life, my condition goes into remission and I no longer need expensive health care services like specialist visits, MRIs, ultrasounds, or surgeries that end in ectomy or scopy.

The diagram below shows the type of chronic health conditions the insurance companies think I have that make me an expensive risk, and the actual causes and treatments:

now isn’t it obvious just how silly those insurance companies’ medical underwriting systems are? i might have a few flaws here and there, but they can all be fixed for next to nothing.

(but if the insurance companies want to continue to pay for my recreational drugs, that would be super awesome. i’d be willing to pay a little more in premiums for the convenience.)