i’ve done a very bad thing, punkers. i went to mcdonalds today. boy, was it fucking good. normally i try to hide my guilty little pleasure because most people i know would be appalled to learn that i like to eat mcdonalds. “i’d never put that shit in my body.“  but you’d drink a coors lite?

so not only was that shit tasty, it was cheap. i’m a quarter pounder with cheese girl (although i recently discovered i like the angus bacon and cheese snack wrap when i just need a little something). a QPC extra value meal is only $5.79 and includes the world famous fries and an icy cold soda. now if i went to a pub or a fancy steak place for a burger and fries, we’re talking $10-$20 plus tipping some wait person with too much flare.

and the calories would be like doubled. here’s a breakdown of my meal:

quarter pounder with cheese: 510 calories

medium fries: 380 calories

bottled water: 0 calories (i get the water because soda is too many calories and it’s only good the first couple sips, unlike franzia, which is well worth the calories. see that’s the thing about my calories…i’m all for racking em up as long as there’s flavor involved. nothing worse than consuming calories on something that doesn’t taste great.)

back to the math. if i ate a fancy burger and fries at 2x as many calories, that’s over 1700 calories. so i get my fix and don’t do too much damage. you say whatever, i say brilliant.

let’s talk fries. i add salt that comes out too fast from those little packets they give you. yeah i add salt to that shit. you eat chinese food. druthers. i like to eat my mcdonald’s fries one at a time. this way you really savor the flavor. eating them a bunch at a time is like chugging a good tequila. protocol. now truth be told mcdonald’s fries actually used to taste better awhile ago when they fried them in a mixture of about 7% cottonseed oil and 93% beef tallow (you come here for the thorough research, don’t ya?). but then all the people who really want to eat them but torture themselves by not complained about the high cholesterol in the fries so MickeyDs switched to pure vegetable oil. sacrilege.

and before y’all go asking me if saw supersize me or fast food nation, no i purposefully did not see these movies. why would i take my own grease sunshine away? i don’t want to know what ingredients are used, or to examine the meat packing industry, or any such nonsense. you say irresponsible. i say lighten the fuck up. i’m not eating 3 meals a day at the golden arches for 30 days in a row and consuming over 5000 calories a day without exercising. so stupid.

i get that there are better foods for you that taste just as good, and even mcdonalds offers healthy food options (although i don’t konw why anyone would go to mcdonalds for a salad when there are burgers, nuggets and fries on the menu. besides that’s what saladworks is for.) but i think a little self-indulgence is healthy. denial will be the death of you. if you’re down with this premise, you might also want to read my diets are dumb post.

i’m tired of doing the walk of shame from my beamer into a mcdonalds hoping no one will see me. (oh btw i dine in because, i forgot to mention above, my world famous fries must be hot.) from now on i’m going to hold my head up high, get my QPC on and hope mcdonalds is doing the monopoly game. it’s back by the way and 1 in 4 wins!

how do you eat your fries?

do you dine-in or drive-through?

what are you ashamed of?

do you also eat at yo quiero taco bell?

ps: you can blame this silly post on denny delvecchio who commanded i write a new post. bet you’re wishing you hadn’t, huh denny? anyway, thanks for the encouragement.

soa the reason i’ve been absent from the blogosphere is because i was moving into an apartment. and the reason i was moving into an apartment was because i was separating from my husband after 20+ years of marriage, raising a family and building a home together. i’m not going into all of the heavy stuff on my blog out of love and respect for mr. punker.

but i sure as shit am going to talk about all of the superficial consequences this has wrought.  (why oh why do i use nouns like “shit” and verbs like “wrought” in the same goddamn sentence? because i can, punkers, because i can. )

anyhussy, here are some of my first impressions of being on my own in an apartment:

i miss having a hose on my kitchen sink. how are you supposed to fill the water reservoir of your keurig coffeemaker without a hose?

how do you get rid of the food debris in your sink without a garbage disposal? especially when you don’t have a motherfucking hose!

nordstrom’s is really expensive.

how do you know if it’s a cockroach or a beetle? (please tell me cockroaches don’t exist in the burbs.)

raising the lid on a dumpster really skeeves me out.

what did people do before coat closets and innovative storage solutions? (i had to buy a fucking garment rack and send the rest of my babies to goodwill.)

take my advice: one needs at least a two bedroom apartment to have enough space for shoes.

just because the previous owner and his/her cat are gone, the fucking linen closet still smells like cat piss litter box ammonia pungent blechhh something fierce.

gonzo volcanic rock bags really work as an odor eliminator. (paid advertisement welcome.)

i think the girl downstairs leaves a pair of size 13 men’s work boots outside of her door as a deterrent because i’ve never seen a male coming or going from her place. brilliant actually.

the property manager refers to me as sweetie. ”i’ll put in a work ticket for you, sweetie.”  and the maintenance man calls me senora. “toilet paper holder es ok now, senora.”

ulta, bed bath and beyond, and victoria’s secrets coupons have not followed me to my new address. grrrrr.

this was my first housewarming gift from the glitter gang bangers, a vapid blonde, absence of alternatives, wicked shawn, buggin word, duffmano, brilliant sulk, for the birds, and lagunatic.

isn't it the glitteriest, happiest rubber ducky key chain you've ever seen? i think i will name her "bijou." whaddaya think?

and the real kicker …

i have to lay down my franzia box in the fridge. when i want to tap it, i have to pull it out and put it on the counter. wtf whirlpool engineers!  there’s a minimum shelf height for a refrigerator and it should include ample head room for an upright franzia box!

ps: i also want to thank sister merry hellish, the barreness, and buggin word for the posts they wrote/dedicated to me during this trying time. your love means the world to me.

i’ve become absolutely desperate with this pain that remains in my ass. i haven’t been talking about it because BORING.  but it is tearing me up and turning me into some kind of obsessive nut job.

the more interesting news is that i’ve started seeing an acupuncturist for it. and i’m now taking chinese herbs. the herbs i have are called ossifex extract (jian bu hu qian wan). they’re for nourishing yin and purging fire, enriching blood, and strengthening tendons. guess what this ancient recipe translates to in english?

Vigorous Walk as Stealthy Tiger Pill; Health Step and Hidden Tiger Pill

i’m taking a tiger pill, y’all!!! how fucking cool is that? i’ll tell you how cool it is: totally fucking awesome supercalifragilistic cool.

i’m gonna be all stealth like crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

i’m gonna be like the hunk of burning love, bradley cooper, in limitless after taking NZT.

mostly, i’m going to be a modern day myth like charlie sheen.

so it’s only fitting that i have my own phrase of empowerment in place of “winning.” i gave it some thought and do believe i’ve got it.

are you ready?

puissance!

ok so it probably wasn’t much of a surprise after i put it in the title.  anyhussy, it’s a blast to say. i like to do a raised power fist when i declare it.

puissance, motherfucker!

and yes, you can use it, too. it has punch. i think cuz it’s derived from french and was probably used by those gnarly underground french resistance people or some shit.

this accupunturist has taught me some other things. like never drink cold water. only warm. warm water flushes out the kidneys, keeps your digestive system healthy, wards off diseases, and improves performance. yeah, try working out with warm water.

speaking of working out, apparently the western way is pointless. we try to expend energy, burn fat. the right way to exercise is tai chi. it’s meant to conserve energy, renew vitality and promote calmness and a feeling of emotional security.

i have my own ancient formula for that. it’s called franzia and xanax extract. plus there’s no way in hell those slow tai chi movements are going to burn off my franzia and pizza belly.

then she told me no stretching unless it’s backward stretching. so no doing any of the exercises the physical therapist gave me. no forward bending at all. walking is good. especially if it’s backward walking. can you see me backward walking in the city?

so much conflicting information. do i go with a western or eastern approach? i definitely think i’ll stick with the tiger blood pills. then again, i’ve always said yes to pills when it came to western medicine, too. but i’m not sure i’ll be able to take my herbs with warm franzia.

ps: i love puissance! so much i created some tshirts. you can even in get it on this action. (yes, i shamelessly promote my blog on the back of the adult shirts, but they’re still badass. i think.)

Puissance! by PattyPunker
Use Zazzle’s t shirt designer

click here for the Patty Punker store.

actually four of them in two weeks! but who’s counting. fuck yeah, i’m counting. but only because i can. i’m not one of these superbloggers who receives a bajillion awards. i can count the awards i’ve received on one hand. so, i’m school girl giddy over these awards because i am cursed with the ”seeks approval of others” neurosis. i blame my mother. and before you label me as having a victim mentality, you should know even my therapist said i can blame her. 

so here they are and you should definitely click on them because they gave me an award. no, click on them because they’ll like me more for sending traffic their way. oh alright, click on them because they’re cuddly, lovable and full of the awesome. 

from brahm at alfred lives here

from sandi at being peachy

from nikki at my cyber house rules

from sister merry hellish at inside out and backwards

it seems that the raw power of my writing (and by raw power, i just mean raw, as in uncultivated) isn’t enough for me to earn these awards. there are rules. i’m pretty sure we all know how i feel about rules, but i’m willing to suck up and play along, because in this case i happen to respect the proverbial man.

to a point.

three awards means three sets of rules and i sure as shit can’t keep them all straight. there was something about listing things you don’t know about me, answering a set of questions and pimping out other bodacious bloggers.

so you’ll get what i give. (in other words i want to pick and choose which ones i do.)

If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you’d started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

yes, i’m anonymous for the most part. despite the title of this post, my mother should never see this blog. she’d spend the rest of her days crying. and criticizing me like she’s so wont to do:

“karen johnson is always friendly and smiling. why don’t you smile more?”
“what do you call that color in your dining room? that’s um different.”
“john and i don’t eat fatty foods like that.”
“don’t you feel exposed without any window treatments?”
“you spent how much on dinner? you’re just going to shit it out the next day.” 
“why don’t you dress more feminine like claire mcdonnell?”

Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. 

so ma, you want me to dress better? how’s this “too drunk to fuck” dead kennedys tshirt? i think it’s stellar.

What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

my mother. now get me a fucking sledgehammer.

Is there something that you still want to accomplish in life?

i want to grow an emotional on/off switch so i can assimilate in the world of fucking robots aka corporate america. or else, i want to work for someecards.

If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

email or read blogs. my A.D.D. makes reading books hard. unless they’re mini books, which i collect just for this reason. (chalk up one thing you didn’t know about me). 

or unless it’s this book by elly which is about to be picked up by a publisher any second. when you read the first chapter, you’ll know why–you won’t be able to take your eyes off the screen.  

and no way do i want to talk on the phone. talking on the phone reminds me of my mother.   

another thing you didn’t know about me is that i like my betty crocker cheesy scalloped potatoes cooked 10 minutes extra so that they are plenty tender and a layer of crispy brown cheese forms on the top and sides of the casserole dish.   

i recently discovered this sauce at the local vietnamese restuarant. it’s my new fave:   

if you recently began a diet as your new year’s resolution, i’m not apologizing for this post. i’m telling you to stop. you’re welcome.

am i in any way qualified to talk about this? fuck no.

i’m not fat. i’m not thin.

i’m not a doctor and i don’t play one on the oprah network or infomercials.

i don’t read self, shape, women’s health or prevention magazines unless they’re the only choice other than time, sports illustrated or parents magazines in the doctor’s waiting room.

i have no idea what gluten-free, pro-biotics, pre-biotics, omega 3s, superfruits, and night shade foods are.

i’ve  never dieted except that once i tried atkins 20 years ago and almost passed out on day 3 because i was only eating bacon or maybe it was from my halitosis that resulted from the low carb ketosis. (i agree, that’s too many -sis words.) 

i just know what i see.

diets don’t work. if they work at all and the person doesn’t give up after the first week or month, they don’t work over the long run. maybe a successful dieter will keep the weight off for a year to two, but then the old habits creep back and BAM the dieter turns into a yo-yo dieter. i have seen it eleventy billion times over. show me one hard core dieter that hasn’t tried a dozen diets throughout his or her lifetime? all yielding the same results: weight loss. happiness. weight gain. depression. new diet eventually.

why don’t they work? self-denial. it causes a perverse obsession with that which the person denying him/herself is renouncing. it’s a fucking mental thing. (this is the synopsis for my new book but i’m guessing my book editor will probably want to revise my adjectives somewhat.)

as soon as you can’t have something, you’re going to crave it hard. then do something completely neurotic like binge on that shit as though you were a mountain lion that hasn’t eaten in days and has fresh kill in your claws. then you’re going to be all “fuck it, i suck” and eat everything that isn’t nailed down or you’re going to starve yourself which is going to cause real physical cravings because your body needs regular fuel in varieties like dark leafy greens, franzia, imported cheese and crusty baguette.

it’s the same concept as celibate catholic priests denying themselves the sex and then getting a perverse obsession with it and resorting to the wrongest, most mentally ill behavior out there: pedophilia.  now you might say pedophilia is more complex than this. so is weight and body image. but i’m here to break it down for you, remember? you might also say that it’s not celibacy that makes priests pedophiles, but that pedophiles just gravitate to professions where there are children around. but then i have to ask why the same high percentage of pedophiles isn’t found in the teaching profession. maybe i’ll leave this part out of my book.

self-denial. it’s not good for the human soul.

and you know another reason diets don’t work: portion control. i love this time of year when all of these jenny craig and nutrisystems people start advertising their programs by promoting a week of free meals. oh sure their menus consist of “all the food you love and chef-inspired creations–prepared by registered dietitians.” first of all, the meals are fucking tiny. denial! you’ll be hungry all the fucking time. second of all, they’re frozen foods. again, not qualified, but i thought one of the tenets of healthy eating was to avoid processed foods and eat fresh foods, not “fresh-tasting frozen foods.”

what does work? i’d have to say probably those stomach rubber bands. they remove the mental from the equation. they actually make it so you can’t eat too much. so if you’re craving a greasy pub burger, probably the most you can get down without getting sick is the snack-size burger in the mcdonald’s kid’s meal. which is a fucking tease.

if you’re not obese and don’t really qualify for the surgery or wouldn’t risk the possible complications, here’s what will really work, or the advice i plan to put in my book:

eat whatever the hell you want. 

don’t skip meals. not even breakfast. feel full and satisfied.

you like a giant blueberry muffin for breakfast? eat it.

you like a roast beef special and ruffles with ridges for lunch? eat them.

you like a cowboy rib eye and loaded baked potato for dinner? eat them.

when the dessert is chocolate gateau? you better motherfucking eat it.

when you stop denying yourself, you’ll stop binging and overeating. you’ll start to realize you don’t need this shit all the time. you won’t eat like this everyday. and even if you do, just throw in a salad the next day. whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up or that dirty little cycle will start all over again. avoid the mental thing.

oh yeah and get off your motherfucking ass once in awhile.

ps: i promise to do real research for my book but not to offer any qualified advice.

pps: don’t you dare steal this book idea. i mean the outline and sample chapters are practically jumping off the page.

ppps: if you’re a book agent, i’m sure you’re interested already. you can email me at pattypunker at gmail dot com.

pppps: what should the title be: “diets are dumb” or ”the punker’s guide to losing weight” or something else?

i lost my fun. it just up and left. i looked for it in all the likely places. i tried to find my fun in music, shopping, dining out, mashed potatoes, a swedish massage, and even a happy pill. it just wasn’t anywhere. i kept hoping my fun would show up somewhere unusual the way a missing train pass might, but it hasn’t.

i’m worried that in a moment of fear and self-loathing i may have pushed my fun away. kicked it to the fucking curb. and it won’t be coming back.

not sure if it’s mr. punker’s recent double discectomy, having the home computer wiped out with a vicious virus, my persistent back and leg issues and now a numbness in my hand, my car leaking something, the pugs contracting fleas, the shorter days and lack of sunshine, or just my bad chemicals flaring.

but how is it possible to feel blank and have your whole body ache at the same fucking time?

 yep, this is how i feel without my fun.

i’m not sure where my fun could be headed. if i were my fun, i’d go someplace where i know i’d be welcome like bali, st. john, key west, new york, new orleans or paris. but you never know with my fun. it didn’t always need the obvious stimulus to kick it. it could come out big anytime or anyplace without warning. it was spontaneous and combustive like that.

have you seen this fun?

fuck, i loved my fun. what i wouldn’t give to make it feel at home again by offering it lightness, delight, hard laughs, and lots of energy and excitement.

well, if you see my fun floating around your neck of the woods please welcome it with open arms and treat it with kindness. it’s probably feeling disconnected and alienated as it is no longer inhabiting its body. grab my fun by the hand, take it in, tell it i miss it, feed it original ray’s pizza, give it franiza, play it the national’s songs, and by all means let it dance its motherfucking ass off and play some air bass.

grab your protective eye wear. i’m about to dazzle you with brilliance. i’ve finally figured out how to monetize my blog. no, i’m not selling my soul to the man. in fact, my plan actually circumvents that quite spectacularly. read on.

see i went to this session at blogher10 on monetizing your blog and i learned things like “just tell a good story and then tailor the message to that of the brand,”  “know your audience,” “go for a local mom and pop shop,” “approach the PR people as well as the marketing people,” “make your proposal interesting, don’t lead with visitor stats,” and “don’t be above product reviews, giveaways, contests, etc.”

no, silly bitches i didn’t learn that stuff there. i didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. but it was advice like this that sent me and my afuckingdorable friend ellyto hit the southwest porch bar in bryant park for more than our fair share of watermelonade vodka drinks.

anyhussy, a couple of days after the session, i thought to myself, “self, you know how this stuff works. there are total nimrods out there making money off their blogs . . . and you’re a total nimrod so you should be able to score, too.”

i thought about how my new friend sandy from toy with me was at blogher10 handing out we vibes to her biggest fans. yes, i’m one of her biggest fans so yes i landed that crazy couples device. yay me! and i said that’s how having a brand sponsor works. toy with me is fully sponsored by we vibe and lelo among other brands. 

that’s when it hit me! i’ll approach the warm, fuzzy people of franzia! why YESSSSS! franzia is something i am passionate about. something i believe in. something i enjoy on a nightlyoccasional basis without anyone twisting my arm. i even enjoy franzia while my arm is being twisted. and while playing twister. and over a good tongue twister. that’s how much i enjoy franzia!  i already unwittingly promote their wine by writing about my happy experiences with it here.

franzia needs me to help them take advantage of web 2.0 to get the word out.  i mean look at this sorry excuse of a wikipedia definition for the world’s most popular wine.  it states that it needs attention from an expert on the subject! that could be me, obvs. and i would happily do that for them, when sponsored.

then there’s the urban dictionary definition. only 4 entries for the world’s most popular wine! that’s just wrong. why i’d be delighted to enter a fantastic definition, blog and tweet about it, and send thousands of punkers (ok dozens, but that’s just until i become the majestic punk of franzia) to give my definition a thumbs up, when sponsored. (though i kind of like that first entry on urban dictionary. i gave it a thumbs up at no cost to franzia.)

and franzia doesn’t even have an official facebook page. there is some lame ass community page out there, but it’s not singing franzia’s praises. and no twitter account. i could run both of these for franzia, when sponsored. (or hired)

when i talk to franzia, i will propose that we do contests like the franzia box halloween costume contest. dress as your favorite franzia box for halloween. send in your pictures to the franzia box costume contest. entries will be judged on creativity, originality, scariness and/or funniness. the winner will receive one each of franzia’s 16 boxed varietials.

(i’m a vintner’s select chard girl myself. it’s a crisp white wine with apple and pear flavors and a clean finish. i’m not a fan of buttery chards. franzia is smart to offer a citrusey chard.  it pairs well with cheese, chicken and seafood.)

another thing i’ll suggest to franzia is that we have people submit a video of themself singing, dancing or rocking out about how franzia makes them feel good.  we’ll post the best video on youtube and make it go viral by facebooking, tweeting and blogging about it. and of course, anyone with a good video will post it on youtube anyway.

i’ll also propose a giveaway where people write in the comments the reason they love franzia and we’ll email them a $1 off coupon. that might not seem like a lot of money off on wine, but franzia is soooo affordable to begin with. and quite quaffable! and once we have their email address, well we’ll hit them with our direct email marketing campaigns.

so now you’re probably wondering why i love franzia. don’t pretend you’re not. well i’ll tell you and i’ll even make it interesting and interactive. interesting by writing tag lines (they currently use “world’s most popular wine” and “bringing joy to everyday life”) and interactive by letting you vote on your favorite below.

so do you think my plan will work? will franzia sponsor me? (check out my sidebar. i even opened up a space for franzia.)

follow my tweets about franzia on twitter. i wear my handle on my neck compliments of this girl.