time to avoid demise. i received this email from bluehost:

Dear Patricia,
This is a courtesy reminder from BlueHost.com to inform you that according to our records your web hosting account for pattypunker.com EXPIRES in 15 days.  Once the hosting expires you will no longer be able to receive or access email at your domain, your website will no longer display, and your cPanel will be inaccessible. All data will be deleted within 10 business days following the account expiration.

no longer display! all data deleted! this blog is all a bunch of rubbish, but it’s been the conduit to meeting so many new friends whom i cherish that the emotional value is priceless. plus, i have built a list of punk rockers (beloved bloggers) that i need to retain because reading them still saves me on any given shitty day.

so if i’m going to fork over the moolah to renew i figured i better post something. whaaat? i’ve been busy with my new obsession: chess with friends. unlike words with friends, hanging with friends or solitaire, chess with friends is all skill and strategy; there is no luck involved. the mental spark pulls me in like an eight ball did to whitney houston. too soon?

seriously, i’m at the age where exercising the brain muscle becomes important. i certainly don’t use my noggin at work and i don’t want it turning to total mush. speaking of work, on friday at 10 of 5 pm, my boss turned on her brain power and said to me, “i was thinking [fuck me], why don’t you summarize that webinar we attended on health care reform today and send it out to the team so valerie (our senior vp) knows we’re on top of the changes.” [summarize a webinar?]

well, this was some turbocharged brain power, so i looked at her like she had two heads. she continues, “yeah, put together some bullet points about blah blah blah…” [nothing like creating more unnecessary work for ourselves. wouldn't it just be easier to share the slides with the team? or i know, how about actually starting the work needed to address the legislative changes? this is why i need chess with friends because obviously i'm not cooking with the gas.]

god, i hate work. but you know what i hate more than work? the fucking wegman’s parking lot! do you have a wegman’s near you? is the parking lot infuckingsane? it is THE best grocery store, but i’ll be a monkey’s uncle if that parking lot isn’t a rage-inducing cesspool of numbnuts. every time i go in the store i just want to scream at somebody because it took me 15 minutes to find a parking spot. and my wegman’s just added a wine and spirits shop so if the parking lot wasn’t bad enough before, now it’s death by blown gasket. wtf wegmans? don’t be the best and then pull a lame ass move like bad parking configuration. figure that shit out and demand it be better when you build your new stores.

all it takes is a little brain power for christ sake. and that’s why learning bridge is next on my list. i’m imagining the days where i no longer work and i sit around with the bridge club drinking gin and tonics all day. join me?

and if you can’t wait until then, my chess with friends username is Trishamarie33. won’t you help me get smart and escape?

so you might be wondering where i’ve been. not really? well, guess what …

work has its dick up my ass and i’m pinned to this pukey cheap-ass corporate carpet. in addition to my day job here, i’m also on this enterprise new media team responsible for infusing a social media plan into every line of business for this global beast.

infusing? isn’t that what you do with vodka?

i’m convinced one of the main reasons i really don’t belong in corporate america is that i don’t speaka the language. half the fucking time i don’t know what’s being said. and this special vernacular really flexes its muscle when you’re involved in a cross-functional, enterprise-wide endeavor. here are some of the words i stumble on:

workstream – whatever happened to group, work group, team? now it’s a workstream. what does that even mean? are there fish in it?

 out-of-pocket – you’re not available, what??

prescribe – you’re not a doctor and so you’re not prescribing things. and if you are, then hook me up with some percocet.

hypotheses – this is a science term. i tune out because this does not apply to me.

synthesize – can’t we just put shit together?

traction – this is what my beamer has none of in the snow.

milestone – this  applies to birthdays and anniversaries, significant things. how is every task a milestone? *shakes head*

sustainable – of course corp america had to jump on this ecological bandwagon. well i laugh to myself everytime i hear it in a meeting because i think of an erection.

cadence – this has to do with the rhythm of voice or music. why are you using it to mean frequency?

thought leadership – this is what steve jobs did, it implies innovation,  i don’t see much of that here or in other big corporations. i just see a bunch of over-compensated exceutives. (alright i won’t go there today.)

this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it would be much easier for me to succeed if people would stop trying to impress everyone in the room and just speak some good old fashioned english. like those people in the movie fargo.

i had major reservations about this. i really don’t believe in this stuff. but i’m an open-minded chick so i thought why not give it a whirl.

i signed up for match.com.

now i know a lot of people have met their mates on online dating sites. and i do just about everything else online but somehow the buck stopped with meeting that special someone.  i’m of the belief that finding a person who makes you blush and gush is more of an organic thing, not a data thing.  that chemistry (pheromones, endorphins, dopamine, oxycontin and the heart racing chemical) is the thing. and to get these chemicals surging you actually need to be near the person, not looking at their picture, facts and figures. and definitely not reading about them “in their own words.”

well…

i guess i should have lied about my age. i can’t tell you how many men are looking  for women younger than they are. ok, i can tell you. EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM. here’s one funny example. i saw this guy who works at my company on match. he stood out because a week ago i went to a meeting and this vp i had never met before was checking me out to the point where i became uncomfortable. what’s his status on match?  “44 y.o. man looking for women 30-42.”

what the fuck is wrong with women your own age or a few years older? in person, i’m eye candy, but on match, you wouldn’t even consider me. seriously!?!? that’s ok because i thought you looked way too uptight anyway.

which brings me to another problem i had with match.  i don’t want people i work with seeing me try to find a fucking date. omg that’s awkward. i saw the profiles of a few people i know and just giggled with embarrassment. i can’t tell you why, but the whole thing seemed so silly. and i wasn’t reacting well to the selling of oneself as a suitable suitor.

i’ll tell ya what else i wasn’t reacting well to. fucking creepers winking at me, liking my photos, or emailing me a sales pitch. EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww.  the email system is within match so it’s not like they invaded my personal email, but the exposure made me recoil with fear and loathing. i wanted to poke at all of them with a virtual stick and say, “go on, geeeeet out of here.”

for a match based on data, why doesn’t the actual data mean shit? i indicated in my profile that i love summer, sun, warm weather and water sports. winter bums me out something fierce.  so why did mr. avid skier hit on me?  i’m not saying i wouldn’t do a long weekend in vail, but i know what i like.  i also indicated that my political views are very liberal and mentioned being a recovering catholic. and conservative church-going protestant dude emailed me? we all know that mary matalin and james carville have pulled off being happy with opposing views, but they sir, are the exception.

then when i was in public somewhere, at the gym, train, grocery store, i kept seeing the faces of people on match. if my eyes met with a stranger, i was sure he was looking at me because he recognized me from match.  i’m paranoid by nature, but that site fucking haunted me!

some of you may have read kernut the blonde’s blog posts about her match.com dating experiences. the posts were hilarious. well, i didn’t get that far.

i gave it the old college try, but i quit my 3-day free trial before getting charged. it turns out match.com and me are oil and vinegar.  

i fucking hate interviews. i get a call from the HR recruiter of a big pharma company. i do a 30 min phone screening with her. she likes me and passes my resume along to the hiring manager. i do a 45 min phone screening with her. she decides to move me along in the interview process. i get scheduled for a 3-hour interview. one hour with the hiring manager. one hour with one of her peers. and a one hour writing test.

ok.

then i’m scheduled to speak with the HR recruiter again. she wants to go over the company’s interview process with me. she sent me a 3-page doc to review beforehand:

“candidate guide to leadership capability interviews”

there’s a diagram and definitions outlining six leadership capabilities used in performance management, managing talent and recruitment.

i’m told that each interviewer will pick 2 or 3 leadership capabilities which align to the job and ask me questions about my work that will demonstrate my abilities.

then i’m told i have to answer the questions in the STAR format. another diagram and more definitions:

S/T- Listen carefully to the question and give an overview of a relevant SITUATION or TASK.  (1-2 min.)

A – Describe what actions I took and avoid talking about  “we.” (5-6 min.)

R-  Discuss the the results and impact my actions had on the business. (2-3 min.)

fucking consultants!  here’s an acronym for consultants: KISS! keep it simple shithead. a 3-page document full of diagrams and definitions! really? why can’t you just ask me to describe what i think is one of my biggest accomplishments! i can structure the answer fucktard. this shit is also used for performance management. if i suck, just tell me straight up. there’s no need to put it in some complex matrix with big fancy consultant phrases.

whatevs. so i prepare for the leadership capability interview (pretty funny considering i didn’t know what capabilities would be assessed or what questions would be asked specific to the capabilities.) i update my portfolio. i research the company and its products.

i iron (fucking significant that’s why it gets its own line).

guess which part i fucked up? the motherfucking writing test!

after two hours of talking leadership capabilities they put me in a room with a laptop and the test. i’m not used to a laptop. i’m old school, bitches. i have a desktop at work and home. i like the big keyboard and am intimate with the layout of the keys. and like my salad dressing, i prefer my mouse on the side.

well, i totally spazzed on the touchpad. and totally ran out of time.

plus, the version of Word that was loaded was unfamiliar and the toolbar wasn’t loaded up. i couldn’t fucking find bullets, bold, italic, etc. i struggled to customize the toolbar. i ended up with grid lines on the page that i couldn’t figure out how to remove.

i spent way too much time with the technology so when the admin came a knocking to tell me my time was up, i hadn’t wrapped up my article, re-read or spell checked it.

fucking frickem frackem godfuckingdamnit.

i wanted to take that laptop out into the field and bash the fucking daylights out of it office space style.

soa the reason i’ve been absent from the blogosphere is because i was moving into an apartment. and the reason i was moving into an apartment was because i was separating from my husband after 20+ years of marriage, raising a family and building a home together. i’m not going into all of the heavy stuff on my blog out of love and respect for mr. punker.

but i sure as shit am going to talk about all of the superficial consequences this has wrought.  (why oh why do i use nouns like “shit” and verbs like “wrought” in the same goddamn sentence? because i can, punkers, because i can. )

anyhussy, here are some of my first impressions of being on my own in an apartment:

i miss having a hose on my kitchen sink. how are you supposed to fill the water reservoir of your keurig coffeemaker without a hose?

how do you get rid of the food debris in your sink without a garbage disposal? especially when you don’t have a motherfucking hose!

nordstrom’s is really expensive.

how do you know if it’s a cockroach or a beetle? (please tell me cockroaches don’t exist in the burbs.)

raising the lid on a dumpster really skeeves me out.

what did people do before coat closets and innovative storage solutions? (i had to buy a fucking garment rack and send the rest of my babies to goodwill.)

take my advice: one needs at least a two bedroom apartment to have enough space for shoes.

just because the previous owner and his/her cat are gone, the fucking linen closet still smells like cat piss litter box ammonia pungent blechhh something fierce.

gonzo volcanic rock bags really work as an odor eliminator. (paid advertisement welcome.)

i think the girl downstairs leaves a pair of size 13 men’s work boots outside of her door as a deterrent because i’ve never seen a male coming or going from her place. brilliant actually.

the property manager refers to me as sweetie. ”i’ll put in a work ticket for you, sweetie.”  and the maintenance man calls me senora. “toilet paper holder es ok now, senora.”

ulta, bed bath and beyond, and victoria’s secrets coupons have not followed me to my new address. grrrrr.

this was my first housewarming gift from the glitter gang bangers, a vapid blonde, absence of alternatives, wicked shawn, buggin word, duffmano, brilliant sulk, for the birds, and lagunatic.

isn't it the glitteriest, happiest rubber ducky key chain you've ever seen? i think i will name her "bijou." whaddaya think?

and the real kicker …

i have to lay down my franzia box in the fridge. when i want to tap it, i have to pull it out and put it on the counter. wtf whirlpool engineers!  there’s a minimum shelf height for a refrigerator and it should include ample head room for an upright franzia box!

ps: i also want to thank sister merry hellish, the barreness, and buggin word for the posts they wrote/dedicated to me during this trying time. your love means the world to me.

i’ve become absolutely desperate with this pain that remains in my ass. i haven’t been talking about it because BORING.  but it is tearing me up and turning me into some kind of obsessive nut job.

the more interesting news is that i’ve started seeing an acupuncturist for it. and i’m now taking chinese herbs. the herbs i have are called ossifex extract (jian bu hu qian wan). they’re for nourishing yin and purging fire, enriching blood, and strengthening tendons. guess what this ancient recipe translates to in english?

Vigorous Walk as Stealthy Tiger Pill; Health Step and Hidden Tiger Pill

i’m taking a tiger pill, y’all!!! how fucking cool is that? i’ll tell you how cool it is: totally fucking awesome supercalifragilistic cool.

i’m gonna be all stealth like crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

i’m gonna be like the hunk of burning love, bradley cooper, in limitless after taking NZT.

mostly, i’m going to be a modern day myth like charlie sheen.

so it’s only fitting that i have my own phrase of empowerment in place of “winning.” i gave it some thought and do believe i’ve got it.

are you ready?

puissance!

ok so it probably wasn’t much of a surprise after i put it in the title.  anyhussy, it’s a blast to say. i like to do a raised power fist when i declare it.

puissance, motherfucker!

and yes, you can use it, too. it has punch. i think cuz it’s derived from french and was probably used by those gnarly underground french resistance people or some shit.

this accupunturist has taught me some other things. like never drink cold water. only warm. warm water flushes out the kidneys, keeps your digestive system healthy, wards off diseases, and improves performance. yeah, try working out with warm water.

speaking of working out, apparently the western way is pointless. we try to expend energy, burn fat. the right way to exercise is tai chi. it’s meant to conserve energy, renew vitality and promote calmness and a feeling of emotional security.

i have my own ancient formula for that. it’s called franzia and xanax extract. plus there’s no way in hell those slow tai chi movements are going to burn off my franzia and pizza belly.

then she told me no stretching unless it’s backward stretching. so no doing any of the exercises the physical therapist gave me. no forward bending at all. walking is good. especially if it’s backward walking. can you see me backward walking in the city?

so much conflicting information. do i go with a western or eastern approach? i definitely think i’ll stick with the tiger blood pills. then again, i’ve always said yes to pills when it came to western medicine, too. but i’m not sure i’ll be able to take my herbs with warm franzia.

ps: i love puissance! so much i created some tshirts. you can even in get it on this action. (yes, i shamelessly promote my blog on the back of the adult shirts, but they’re still badass. i think.)

Puissance! by PattyPunker
Use Zazzle’s t shirt designer

click here for the Patty Punker store.

i fucking love corporate america.  i had to write a newsletter article announcing a new market data system to all of HR. here’s how my information gathering meeting with the boys from compensation went:

AVP of Comp: this system is much better than the old market smart tool because that only let you search by geographic location. this one lets you narrow it down by state and city.

Me: can you tell me what market smart was used for?

AVP of Comp:  yeah, see that book on the shelf behind you. actually, see those three books.

[his two minions crack up]

Me: [feigns amusement] how about a high-level summary? 

AVP of Comp: [looks at me with disdain which i take to mean he doesn't get the term "high level summary" after all he only makes $200k/yr with a 22% bonus.]

Minion 1: it lets you see competitive market salary ranges for jobs throughout the country.

Me: thanks minion, i mean constantine.

AVP of Comp: the old system only let you search for exempt jobs. this one lets you search by exempt, salaried non-exempt, hourly non-exempt, and hourly by years of experience.

Me: are people still using the old system?

AVP of Comp: no that was discontinued 2 years ago because of access issues.

Me: [two thoughts: 1.) it took you two fucking years to develop this new system? 2.) why do you keep comparing it to a system that has been defunct for two years?] so what have people been using?

AVP of Comp: them. [looks to minions and laughs at them.]

AVP of Comp: then you can narrow it down by other qualifiers like education, job complexity, certification, and so on… [whipping through screens like it's all old hat]

Me: will i be able to get in there and look at all of this more closely?

AVP of Comp: yeah, we’ll set you up to have access. constantine will send you a link.

Me: Great. [i'll figure this out on my own cuz your demo sucks cat piss smell.]

AVP of Comp: then it shows minimum, midpoint and maximum for salaries, incentive, and total cash.

Me: does the total cash equal the salary plus the incentive?

AVP of Comp: no, it doesn’t work out that way.

Me: [tilts head in quizzical expression] because?

AVP of Comp: because incentives vary.

Me: Ok. [i sure as fuck hope the HR people are accustomed to seeing the data like this and know how to interpret it.]

AVP of Comp: then we have instructions in the help tab.

Me: cool. [please tell me you didn't write them.]

AVP of Comp: so any other questions?

Me: what will the HR people use this for?

AVP of Comp: to look up their own jobs.

[huge belly laughs from the minions]

Me: [you're a regular laugh riot.]

AVP of Comp: market analysis, hiring, budgeting for RFPs, salary planning

Me: how do you access it?

AVP of Comp: i told you i’d send you a link.

Me: [not me fuck face] no, how will the HR people access it?

AVP of Comp: [speaking very slowly and completely disgusted]  W E   W I L L   S E N D  A  L I N K

Me: let me rephrase, W H E R E   W I L L   I T   R E S I D E?

Minion 2: on the compensation intranet page.

Me: [there ya go] is it there now?

Minion 2:  no, i’ll put it out there.

AVP of Comp: we have to come up with a good name for it. market data system isn’t that good. let us know if you have any ideas.  we thought of Associate Salary System (ASS).

[minions are rolling on the floor laughing like a couple of cockroaches that just got hit with the raid missile.]

Me: [i'm dealing with fucking juveniles.]

we all know how treating my sacroiliac joint injury holistically turned out. if you’re new here, you can catch up on this epic fail here. so tomorrow i’m going all western medicine on this shit and having an injection into my joint. or as my daughter succinctly put it “a shot in the ass.” provided it doesn’t fucking snow too much that it gets cancelled or the roads are impassable. fucking snow is ruining my life. in preparation for the injection i’ve had to stop taking my prescription anti-inflammatory and all medicines that affect blood clotting. this hasn’t made patty a happy girl.

imagine no advil after a friday or saturday night.

and i’ve had increased joint paint.

if i’ve made these sacrifices for nothing and this thing is cancelled due to snow, i’m going to go ballistic.

to say i’m a bit anxious is an understatement. i’ve had weeks of anticipation since this was the first appointment i could get due to the holidays and my doctor’s two week trip to italy.

plus, i have to get this thing done while awake. read: aware.

a big ass needle into my ass and i won’t be sedated!

the doc has to use x-ray guidance to direct the needle into the joint. like this:

except this patient has a nicer ass than me

then BAM! she injects a contrast dye to make sure that the medication only goes into the joint. what if she motherfucking misses?

she better not have been drinking the night before or had too much coffee. i'll drop kick the bitch if she brings a shakey hand to the table.

after that she injects a small mixture of anesthetic and cortisone into my ass. small mixture? she clearly has no idea of my tolerance for medication. i’m conditioned, punkers. shoot me up hard. i don’t want to go through this again.

so the question isn’t whether i take a xanax before the procedure. the question is do i take a .25, .5, or 1 mg xanax. (when stockpiling, it’s important to keep different dosages for every occasion.) mr. punker has to drive me home after the procedure, so i’m pretty sure tomorrow will be 5 mg xanax afternoon.

i’d much rather have a little twilight anesthesia in my IV, but still . . . don’t ya love a girl who can self-sedate?

since the holidays bring out the irreverent in me, i made a movie for y’all. 

mama always told me i could return panties, but she never mentioned that it wasn’t easy.