yep, bob dylan wrote this song, she belongs to me, where i am she. what, you don’t think so?

Bow down to her on Sunday,
Salute her when her birthday comes.
Bow down to her on Sunday,
Salute her when her birthday comes.
For Halloween give her a trumpet
And for Christmas, buy her a drum.

it’s just three days until my birthday so that’s proof that song was written about me. undeniable proof, bitches.

yes, i grow older, not more mature. i regress in maturity.

i got to thinking a drum wouldn’t be a half bad birthday gift. then dufmanno and i could rage on bongos on the beach with bones in our hair. stewart copeland would run across the sand and jump into place to join us. and bugginword would play me this song on her ukele.

jubilation!

i was born on friday, november 13, the day of the diva. and you thought it was a bad luck day? have i not taught you anything, punkers? well, this year my birthday is on a saturday so that’s still YAHTZEE!

and here are some of the people and moments that have made me happy to be alive. (it’s only 30 seconds long, so indulge me. it’s mandatory during birthday week.)

wicked shawn, you are conspicuously absent from this video which is just wrong. we need to remedy that and then all will be floating skulls and crossbones in my world.

grab your protective eye wear. i’m about to dazzle you with brilliance. i’ve finally figured out how to monetize my blog. no, i’m not selling my soul to the man. in fact, my plan actually circumvents that quite spectacularly. read on.

see i went to this session at blogher10 on monetizing your blog and i learned things like “just tell a good story and then tailor the message to that of the brand,”  “know your audience,” “go for a local mom and pop shop,” “approach the PR people as well as the marketing people,” “make your proposal interesting, don’t lead with visitor stats,” and “don’t be above product reviews, giveaways, contests, etc.”

no, silly bitches i didn’t learn that stuff there. i didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. but it was advice like this that sent me and my afuckingdorable friend ellyto hit the southwest porch bar in bryant park for more than our fair share of watermelonade vodka drinks.

anyhussy, a couple of days after the session, i thought to myself, “self, you know how this stuff works. there are total nimrods out there making money off their blogs . . . and you’re a total nimrod so you should be able to score, too.”

i thought about how my new friend sandy from toy with me was at blogher10 handing out we vibes to her biggest fans. yes, i’m one of her biggest fans so yes i landed that crazy couples device. yay me! and i said that’s how having a brand sponsor works. toy with me is fully sponsored by we vibe and lelo among other brands. 

that’s when it hit me! i’ll approach the warm, fuzzy people of franzia! why YESSSSS! franzia is something i am passionate about. something i believe in. something i enjoy on a nightlyoccasional basis without anyone twisting my arm. i even enjoy franzia while my arm is being twisted. and while playing twister. and over a good tongue twister. that’s how much i enjoy franzia!  i already unwittingly promote their wine by writing about my happy experiences with it here.

franzia needs me to help them take advantage of web 2.0 to get the word out.  i mean look at this sorry excuse of a wikipedia definition for the world’s most popular wine.  it states that it needs attention from an expert on the subject! that could be me, obvs. and i would happily do that for them, when sponsored.

then there’s the urban dictionary definition. only 4 entries for the world’s most popular wine! that’s just wrong. why i’d be delighted to enter a fantastic definition, blog and tweet about it, and send thousands of punkers (ok dozens, but that’s just until i become the majestic punk of franzia) to give my definition a thumbs up, when sponsored. (though i kind of like that first entry on urban dictionary. i gave it a thumbs up at no cost to franzia.)

and franzia doesn’t even have an official facebook page. there is some lame ass community page out there, but it’s not singing franzia’s praises. and no twitter account. i could run both of these for franzia, when sponsored. (or hired)

when i talk to franzia, i will propose that we do contests like the franzia box halloween costume contest. dress as your favorite franzia box for halloween. send in your pictures to the franzia box costume contest. entries will be judged on creativity, originality, scariness and/or funniness. the winner will receive one each of franzia’s 16 boxed varietials.

(i’m a vintner’s select chard girl myself. it’s a crisp white wine with apple and pear flavors and a clean finish. i’m not a fan of buttery chards. franzia is smart to offer a citrusey chard.  it pairs well with cheese, chicken and seafood.)

another thing i’ll suggest to franzia is that we have people submit a video of themself singing, dancing or rocking out about how franzia makes them feel good.  we’ll post the best video on youtube and make it go viral by facebooking, tweeting and blogging about it. and of course, anyone with a good video will post it on youtube anyway.

i’ll also propose a giveaway where people write in the comments the reason they love franzia and we’ll email them a $1 off coupon. that might not seem like a lot of money off on wine, but franzia is soooo affordable to begin with. and quite quaffable! and once we have their email address, well we’ll hit them with our direct email marketing campaigns.

so now you’re probably wondering why i love franzia. don’t pretend you’re not. well i’ll tell you and i’ll even make it interesting and interactive. interesting by writing tag lines (they currently use “world’s most popular wine” and “bringing joy to everyday life”) and interactive by letting you vote on your favorite below.

so do you think my plan will work? will franzia sponsor me? (check out my sidebar. i even opened up a space for franzia.)

follow my tweets about franzia on twitter. i wear my handle on my neck compliments of this girl.

once upon a time (last week) i dreamt that i flew away to a utopian world by the sea. it was a visually transendental trip and i saw the most fantastic things. (it was not unlike the kind of trip i had the first time i put acid blotter under my tongue in high school and saw floating M&Ms and could read my BFF’s thoughts from the other room. and music sounded more intense than ever. every instrument was like a string attached to my body and mind making my arms and legs dance and my brain pop. only this trip was much more real.)

there was a magnificent sea castle with an ocean view.

and the sirens of atlantis appeared before my very eyes.

then a cranky sea witch who always hated having her picture taken in a bikini emerged from the sea and i saw that her frozen strawberry potion had melted which may or may not have accounted for the reason she was not smiling.

but there were water ninjas determined to make the sea witch smile because they knew she shared their need for speed and non-stop exhilaration.

the sea witch lived in the tower of the doom where thunder and lightning sparks constantly shot out into the sky even amongst the bright sunshine and deep blue sea.

despite having to live in the tower of doom with the evil nunzilla,

the sea witch was made very happy by the beauty and adorned bodies of the nereids who surrounded her.

one night amphitrite (the tall sea nymph) was celebrating her 18th birthday so a handsome black knight brought his chariot to take the sea nymphs and their worshippers to a lively party.

that evening there was merriment and libations

and swings that made one giddy.

even the sea witch was so taken with all of the revelry, she broke out into some form of bohemian dancing (this is a euphemism because it’s hard to classify exactly what she was doing or explain why she had no makeup on).

and voila the birthday mermaid was presented with an abundance of decadent chocolate. (so the sea witch must have been doing a chocolate dance, obvs.)

the next day the sea witch decided to take the nymphs out on a boat to a place where the sea witch could share the wonder of her sea underworld.

the sea witch led them on a guided tour.

there were magical coral reefs,

blue angel fish,*

butterfly fish,*

and moon jelly fairies.*

it was a spectacular adventure and led the sea witch to feel very proud of her marine world. she decided she never wanted to return to the evil tower of doom or the harsh reality that she had known. so they all lived happily ever after amongst the nymphaeaceae.

the end.

*i know nothing of fish species so i made these names up.  fuck it, it’s my fairy tale so i can.