i had major reservations about this. i really don’t believe in this stuff. but i’m an open-minded chick so i thought why not give it a whirl.

i signed up for match.com.

now i know a lot of people have met their mates on online dating sites. and i do just about everything else online but somehow the buck stopped with meeting that special someone.  i’m of the belief that finding a person who makes you blush and gush is more of an organic thing, not a data thing.  that chemistry (pheromones, endorphins, dopamine, oxycontin and the heart racing chemical) is the thing. and to get these chemicals surging you actually need to be near the person, not looking at their picture, facts and figures. and definitely not reading about them “in their own words.”

well…

i guess i should have lied about my age. i can’t tell you how many men are looking  for women younger than they are. ok, i can tell you. EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM. here’s one funny example. i saw this guy who works at my company on match. he stood out because a week ago i went to a meeting and this vp i had never met before was checking me out to the point where i became uncomfortable. what’s his status on match?  “44 y.o. man looking for women 30-42.”

what the fuck is wrong with women your own age or a few years older? in person, i’m eye candy, but on match, you wouldn’t even consider me. seriously!?!? that’s ok because i thought you looked way too uptight anyway.

which brings me to another problem i had with match.  i don’t want people i work with seeing me try to find a fucking date. omg that’s awkward. i saw the profiles of a few people i know and just giggled with embarrassment. i can’t tell you why, but the whole thing seemed so silly. and i wasn’t reacting well to the selling of oneself as a suitable suitor.

i’ll tell ya what else i wasn’t reacting well to. fucking creepers winking at me, liking my photos, or emailing me a sales pitch. EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww.  the email system is within match so it’s not like they invaded my personal email, but the exposure made me recoil with fear and loathing. i wanted to poke at all of them with a virtual stick and say, “go on, geeeeet out of here.”

for a match based on data, why doesn’t the actual data mean shit? i indicated in my profile that i love summer, sun, warm weather and water sports. winter bums me out something fierce.  so why did mr. avid skier hit on me?  i’m not saying i wouldn’t do a long weekend in vail, but i know what i like.  i also indicated that my political views are very liberal and mentioned being a recovering catholic. and conservative church-going protestant dude emailed me? we all know that mary matalin and james carville have pulled off being happy with opposing views, but they sir, are the exception.

then when i was in public somewhere, at the gym, train, grocery store, i kept seeing the faces of people on match. if my eyes met with a stranger, i was sure he was looking at me because he recognized me from match.  i’m paranoid by nature, but that site fucking haunted me!

some of you may have read kernut the blonde’s blog posts about her match.com dating experiences. the posts were hilarious. well, i didn’t get that far.

i gave it the old college try, but i quit my 3-day free trial before getting charged. it turns out match.com and me are oil and vinegar.  

i’ve become absolutely desperate with this pain that remains in my ass. i haven’t been talking about it because BORING.  but it is tearing me up and turning me into some kind of obsessive nut job.

the more interesting news is that i’ve started seeing an acupuncturist for it. and i’m now taking chinese herbs. the herbs i have are called ossifex extract (jian bu hu qian wan). they’re for nourishing yin and purging fire, enriching blood, and strengthening tendons. guess what this ancient recipe translates to in english?

Vigorous Walk as Stealthy Tiger Pill; Health Step and Hidden Tiger Pill

i’m taking a tiger pill, y’all!!! how fucking cool is that? i’ll tell you how cool it is: totally fucking awesome supercalifragilistic cool.

i’m gonna be all stealth like crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

i’m gonna be like the hunk of burning love, bradley cooper, in limitless after taking NZT.

mostly, i’m going to be a modern day myth like charlie sheen.

so it’s only fitting that i have my own phrase of empowerment in place of “winning.” i gave it some thought and do believe i’ve got it.

are you ready?

puissance!

ok so it probably wasn’t much of a surprise after i put it in the title.  anyhussy, it’s a blast to say. i like to do a raised power fist when i declare it.

puissance, motherfucker!

and yes, you can use it, too. it has punch. i think cuz it’s derived from french and was probably used by those gnarly underground french resistance people or some shit.

this accupunturist has taught me some other things. like never drink cold water. only warm. warm water flushes out the kidneys, keeps your digestive system healthy, wards off diseases, and improves performance. yeah, try working out with warm water.

speaking of working out, apparently the western way is pointless. we try to expend energy, burn fat. the right way to exercise is tai chi. it’s meant to conserve energy, renew vitality and promote calmness and a feeling of emotional security.

i have my own ancient formula for that. it’s called franzia and xanax extract. plus there’s no way in hell those slow tai chi movements are going to burn off my franzia and pizza belly.

then she told me no stretching unless it’s backward stretching. so no doing any of the exercises the physical therapist gave me. no forward bending at all. walking is good. especially if it’s backward walking. can you see me backward walking in the city?

so much conflicting information. do i go with a western or eastern approach? i definitely think i’ll stick with the tiger blood pills. then again, i’ve always said yes to pills when it came to western medicine, too. but i’m not sure i’ll be able to take my herbs with warm franzia.

ps: i love puissance! so much i created some tshirts. you can even in get it on this action. (yes, i shamelessly promote my blog on the back of the adult shirts, but they’re still badass. i think.)

Puissance! by PattyPunker
Use Zazzle’s t shirt designer

click here for the Patty Punker store.

i fucking love corporate america.  i had to write a newsletter article announcing a new market data system to all of HR. here’s how my information gathering meeting with the boys from compensation went:

AVP of Comp: this system is much better than the old market smart tool because that only let you search by geographic location. this one lets you narrow it down by state and city.

Me: can you tell me what market smart was used for?

AVP of Comp:  yeah, see that book on the shelf behind you. actually, see those three books.

[his two minions crack up]

Me: [feigns amusement] how about a high-level summary? 

AVP of Comp: [looks at me with disdain which i take to mean he doesn't get the term "high level summary" after all he only makes $200k/yr with a 22% bonus.]

Minion 1: it lets you see competitive market salary ranges for jobs throughout the country.

Me: thanks minion, i mean constantine.

AVP of Comp: the old system only let you search for exempt jobs. this one lets you search by exempt, salaried non-exempt, hourly non-exempt, and hourly by years of experience.

Me: are people still using the old system?

AVP of Comp: no that was discontinued 2 years ago because of access issues.

Me: [two thoughts: 1.) it took you two fucking years to develop this new system? 2.) why do you keep comparing it to a system that has been defunct for two years?] so what have people been using?

AVP of Comp: them. [looks to minions and laughs at them.]

AVP of Comp: then you can narrow it down by other qualifiers like education, job complexity, certification, and so on… [whipping through screens like it's all old hat]

Me: will i be able to get in there and look at all of this more closely?

AVP of Comp: yeah, we’ll set you up to have access. constantine will send you a link.

Me: Great. [i'll figure this out on my own cuz your demo sucks cat piss smell.]

AVP of Comp: then it shows minimum, midpoint and maximum for salaries, incentive, and total cash.

Me: does the total cash equal the salary plus the incentive?

AVP of Comp: no, it doesn’t work out that way.

Me: [tilts head in quizzical expression] because?

AVP of Comp: because incentives vary.

Me: Ok. [i sure as fuck hope the HR people are accustomed to seeing the data like this and know how to interpret it.]

AVP of Comp: then we have instructions in the help tab.

Me: cool. [please tell me you didn't write them.]

AVP of Comp: so any other questions?

Me: what will the HR people use this for?

AVP of Comp: to look up their own jobs.

[huge belly laughs from the minions]

Me: [you're a regular laugh riot.]

AVP of Comp: market analysis, hiring, budgeting for RFPs, salary planning

Me: how do you access it?

AVP of Comp: i told you i’d send you a link.

Me: [not me fuck face] no, how will the HR people access it?

AVP of Comp: [speaking very slowly and completely disgusted]  W E   W I L L   S E N D  A  L I N K

Me: let me rephrase, W H E R E   W I L L   I T   R E S I D E?

Minion 2: on the compensation intranet page.

Me: [there ya go] is it there now?

Minion 2:  no, i’ll put it out there.

AVP of Comp: we have to come up with a good name for it. market data system isn’t that good. let us know if you have any ideas.  we thought of Associate Salary System (ASS).

[minions are rolling on the floor laughing like a couple of cockroaches that just got hit with the raid missile.]

Me: [i'm dealing with fucking juveniles.]

my site meter is going to spin out of control with the title of this post.  what can i say i’m a stats whore like that.

so  i say to a friend, “gah, it’s only tuesday. i wish it was at least wednesday.” and he says, “why not friday”?

and i say, “i thought i’d have a greater chance of changing reality if i were less aggressive in my wishful thinking.”

what the fuck kind of strategy is that? aim low strategy? why don’t i dream big? if  i took one of those carl jung and briggs myers personality tests i’d be a BINB (big imagination no balls).

speaking of dreams… in an attempt to treat my sacroiliac joint injury holistically i decided to get a massage. i thought this was really smart. massages don’t require any work on my part (like physical therapy) and they feel fanfuckingtastic (unlike chiropractic adjustments).

wrong-o. what the massage actually did was break-up all of these blockages in my body and release a shitload of toxins into my bloodstream. then they were delivered straight to my brain while i was sleeping and caused a fury of crude, depraved dreams. like beyond disturbing. like i’m going to tell you about a couple anyway.

in this one dream i had just learned that my friend elly had an office in her house where guests could stay, so i decided to visit. i was lying on the couch looking through a coffee table book featuring black and white photos of women engaged in sexual acts. kind of robert mapplethorpe but with beautiful women. i’m all these photos are very artistically composed while i flipped through the pages somewhat indifferently.

then a kitten comes up and starts licking between my legs. at first i kind of shooed it away. but then well… (i had no control over this, it was my id!) i mean my jeans we’re on and that sandpaper tongue didn’t feel all that bad on the outside. in fact it was warm with the just right pressure. next thing i know, the pictures in the book starting looking erotic and i began to stare at them more longingly. my muscles relaxed, juices flowed, and my hips responded …

i can’t even comprehend it either. you’re never coming back, are you?

then i had this other one where i dreamt there was a massive black hair growing on my boob and how could i not have discovered it before it reached this length:

my first attempt at drawing. move aside hyperbole and a half. bwahahaha. i crack myself up.

yeah i have a porn star boob – perfectly round, upright and shit. it’s my drawing so i can represent my boob anyway i like.

what would carl jung and briggs myers think of me now?

ps: i’m sorry this is the only interesting thing that happened in my life this week.

pss: elly, i promise mildred wasn’t involved.

i lost my fun. it just up and left. i looked for it in all the likely places. i tried to find my fun in music, shopping, dining out, mashed potatoes, a swedish massage, and even a happy pill. it just wasn’t anywhere. i kept hoping my fun would show up somewhere unusual the way a missing train pass might, but it hasn’t.

i’m worried that in a moment of fear and self-loathing i may have pushed my fun away. kicked it to the fucking curb. and it won’t be coming back.

not sure if it’s mr. punker’s recent double discectomy, having the home computer wiped out with a vicious virus, my persistent back and leg issues and now a numbness in my hand, my car leaking something, the pugs contracting fleas, the shorter days and lack of sunshine, or just my bad chemicals flaring.

but how is it possible to feel blank and have your whole body ache at the same fucking time?

 yep, this is how i feel without my fun.

i’m not sure where my fun could be headed. if i were my fun, i’d go someplace where i know i’d be welcome like bali, st. john, key west, new york, new orleans or paris. but you never know with my fun. it didn’t always need the obvious stimulus to kick it. it could come out big anytime or anyplace without warning. it was spontaneous and combustive like that.

have you seen this fun?

fuck, i loved my fun. what i wouldn’t give to make it feel at home again by offering it lightness, delight, hard laughs, and lots of energy and excitement.

well, if you see my fun floating around your neck of the woods please welcome it with open arms and treat it with kindness. it’s probably feeling disconnected and alienated as it is no longer inhabiting its body. grab my fun by the hand, take it in, tell it i miss it, feed it original ray’s pizza, give it franiza, play it the national’s songs, and by all means let it dance its motherfucking ass off and play some air bass.

a lot of cool people i know are participating in NaBloPoMo or NaNoWriMo. i don’t have time to do anything this involved because i’m participating in NaNuNaNu every day at the office. to give you an idea of who actually gets shit done around here, i present you my boss’s itinerary yesterday:

10:54 am: arrives for a “day of work.” mentions the train was running late.

11:02 am: logs into corporate network via hunt and peck typing.

11:05 am: grabs coffee and stale halloween cupcake with frosting botched from either the coworker’s commute or poor sense of frosting aesthetic and proportion.

11:10 am: eats cupcake and licks fingers with smacking noise despite the insufficient frosting.

11:18 am: heads outside to chase coffee and cupcake with a parliament light.

11:33 am: reads some emails. calls the admin into her office. “how do i add this to my calendar”?

11:58 pm: begins reading abcnews.com. watches video on pre-election results.

12:42 pm: takes a break from the news with a parliament light.

1:03 pm: microwaves lean cuisine four cheese pizza. checks out the WSJ in the kitchen while waiting.

1:05:30 pm: closes office door, eats pizza, and takes call from son at college. doesn’t bother to learn how to change her loud, egregious ringtone to vibrate.

1:41 pm: aids digestion by having a parliament light.

2:02 pm: writes some shit (son’s late term paper).

3:02 pm: that was a lot work. now jonesing . . . parliament light.

3:11 pm: craps all over my idea to do an email campaign and workplace posters promoting the smoking cessation program in light of the great american smokeout on november 18.

3:15 pm: musters up a better idea to have me do a campaign around the employee health assessment instead.

3:24 pm: researches trip to boston, decides to stay at boutique hotel in beacon hill.

3:54 pm: celebrates score on the hotel res with a parliament light.

4:10 pm: arrives 10 minutes late to a meeting and makes group repeat content discussed before she arrived.

5:00 pm: rides elevator back from meeting with me. “i’ll be out on thursday and friday; we’re going to boston for the weekend.”

most days she makes me feel like this.

typical corporate gumpy swag put to good use in this post

can’t wait to get this party started today.

shazbot!

i finally had a little spare time today and was able to catch up on some of my favorite bloggers. i should have started looking for a new job because i really want to make more money. i figure if i’m going to wilt  in the corporate world away under fluorescent lights, i should at least be compensated better for the ass raping my pain and suffering.

also other people are moving up around me and i just keep thinking what the fuck am i doing wrong? frat boys and ass lickers who work part-time hours are getting promoted to the likes of assistant vp positions.

my title: piss ant.

also if you really think about what i just said you’d realize the senior vp doing the promoting likes her ass licked. doesn’t that say it all?

i need out.

but looking for a new job is just too heavy a task for me today. i was in nyc over the weekend looking at art. went to the matisse show at moma. it’s been too long since i’ve been to moma. damn, that’s a fun museum. i really love modern art something fierce. it lifts my spirits and makes me feel less alienated. that’s huge, punkers. cuz like major tom i’ve hit an all time low at work and really feel like a space oddity lately.

but then again some modern art leaves me flummoxed. for instance, i think this installation was just too modern even for me.

yeah, i don't get it either.

anyhussy, i also partied like lilo in nyc and am rendered useless today. so job hunting is out and reading my bloggy buddies is in. like modern art, they make me happy. they calm me down. distract me from the dissonance in my head.  (btw, that’s two motherfucking awesome words i’ve used in this post. flummoxed and dissonance. count with me.)

they show me love. they give me shelter from the storm.

recently three of them gave me props on their audacious blogs.  (yep, we’re up to three) midwesternmama, dufmanno, and wicked shawn all turned my frown upside down just by mentioning me.

then one of my all-time faves, midget man of steel, visited and commented on my blog for the first time ever.  i was like SCORE!

and one of my most loyal followers started a blog on turkey trading and alluded (four or no?) to my having been an inspiration for her blog on facebook. ok, it’s not really about turkey trading, it’s about stock trading but you need to read her to get the background.

and the greatest love of all came from elly. she learned a song for me on herbert the ukele and gave me shivers all down my spine.  i’m not kidding, i was so moved i cried listening to her sing and play it.

so maybe i don’t want a new job after all. with a new job comes more responsibility and less time for the blogosphere. and that would make patty punker a very sad girl.

also to every single one of you on my blogroll: thank you for making my world a happier place and bludgeoning (definitely four now) my demons on a regular basis. you are all so original and inspiring to me. i love you all. 

take me away with you my loves.

i know my gritty shit and i’m a list dork.  so here are the top 10 tv shows for the decade:

10. entourage - every single person on this show has the sexiest swagger eva. when marky mark produces, you’re guaranteed mind moonshine. bonus points for great soundtracks.

9. chelsea lately - chelsea handler is my own personal jesus. (see girls bore me.) amen sista.

8. 30 rock - when writer and player, tina fey (the lady gaga of television humor) and alec baldwin (the president of in-your-face television humor) get together the result is the best comedy you’ll ever see on network television. 

7. united state of tara - diablo cody (see girls bore me) and toni collette deliver us some very memorable characters: buck the kickass redneck, T the teenage twat, alice the happy homemaker (i want what she’s smoking!), and of course tara an awesome mom who came clean about her multiple personalities.

6. dexter - original premise is brilliant and remains solid: homicide blood spatter analyst is a serial killer himself and kills the serial killers in his cases. talk about a decent mind fuck.  john lithgow was totally compelling as a serial killer in the last season.

5. house - a little opiate does wonders for a doctor’s diagnostic skills.  love me an arrogant oxy-fed doc with a limp.

4. mad men - cigarettes, martinis, girls who wear dresses, gloves, hats and beehives, men who wear hats, and the ad game during the ogilivy era. what a wicked game they play. best hairdo of the decade at right.

3. californication - this story chronicles the life of hank moody, the author who penned “God Hates Us All” and “Fucking and Punching.” need i say more? ok, then: david duchovony, david duchovony, david duchony.

2. nurse jackie – a little opiate does wonders for a girl’s libido. plus she’s edgy enough to be one of the girls i could be tight with. see girls bore me.

1. six feet under - you can’t go wrong when you combine the morbid, morose, pursuit of art, and heavy drama among quirky people. my heart raced and i cried like a baby at many an episode. plus driving a hearse as your personal vehicle is so badass. amazing soundtracks to boot.