so you might be wondering where i’ve been. not really? well, guess what …

work has its dick up my ass and i’m pinned to this pukey cheap-ass corporate carpet. in addition to my day job here, i’m also on this enterprise new media team responsible for infusing a social media plan into every line of business for this global beast.

infusing? isn’t that what you do with vodka?

i’m convinced one of the main reasons i really don’t belong in corporate america is that i don’t speaka the language. half the fucking time i don’t know what’s being said. and this special vernacular really flexes its muscle when you’re involved in a cross-functional, enterprise-wide endeavor. here are some of the words i stumble on:

workstream – whatever happened to group, work group, team? now it’s a workstream. what does that even mean? are there fish in it?

 out-of-pocket – you’re not available, what??

prescribe – you’re not a doctor and so you’re not prescribing things. and if you are, then hook me up with some percocet.

hypotheses – this is a science term. i tune out because this does not apply to me.

synthesize – can’t we just put shit together?

traction – this is what my beamer has none of in the snow.

milestone – this  applies to birthdays and anniversaries, significant things. how is every task a milestone? *shakes head*

sustainable – of course corp america had to jump on this ecological bandwagon. well i laugh to myself everytime i hear it in a meeting because i think of an erection.

cadence – this has to do with the rhythm of voice or music. why are you using it to mean frequency?

thought leadership – this is what steve jobs did, it implies innovation,  i don’t see much of that here or in other big corporations. i just see a bunch of over-compensated exceutives. (alright i won’t go there today.)

this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it would be much easier for me to succeed if people would stop trying to impress everyone in the room and just speak some good old fashioned english. like those people in the movie fargo.

i miss you guys. hard. i’m ass-deep in a web project at work and coincidentally have been dealing with some major personal shit outside of work, too. so i haven’t been able to creep around your places as much as i’d like. and i haven’t been able to even think about posting. i promise to be back before too long.

as if you care. well i care, damnit!

so i’m going to leave you with a quickie to hold you over. here are some random thoughts:

i did the networked blogs thingy, so won’t you follow me? see it’s just there at the right, below my awesome avi. i don’t have too many followers so it’s pretty sorry looking. i’m not above begging when it comes to the way things look. i’m a superficial bitch like that.

i vote for an arts and crafts period at work. arts and crafts time shouldn’t stop with grade school, summer camp, elderly homes, and mental institutions. it would be great for brainstorming and meetings. at parties. at bars (but not on a bed). at BBQs. there should be an arts and crafts app where you can invite others to join you.

speaking of a cool thing to invite others to do. check out this new social media site, story bird. it’s collaborative story telling, motherfuckers! i can’t wait to play with this thing once i come up for air. and if you play with it, you better invite me! yes, i’m an overly sensitive teenage girl sometimes. ok most of the time.

that “under pressure” song by bowie and queen still knocks my socks off everytime i hear it. it’s so explosive, climatic, and triumphant. when i hear it i just want to spring into the air and do a ballerina’s grand jete.

you could even yell "puissance!" with this move

lastly, “he not busy being born is busy dying.” ~bob dylan

since the v-day holiday is upon us and i forget what it feels like to be gaga in love i’m not going to talk about v things. although i could do a V is for … post like i did C is for… cuz there are a ton of sweet V words:

voluptuous. vajayjay. visceral. vasectomy. valium. vodka. venus. vicious. vote. vanity. venomous. virile. vivacious. vaseline. veg. visionary. volatile. va va voom. vogue. vested. vamoose. vacation. veranda. vixen. villainous. victory. voracious. varmint and vermin. vulva. vamp. vw. vampire. voodoo. vineyard. vapid. vindicate. voyeur. vocabulary. vinyl. vehemently. venereal. vim and vigor. velvety. vent. verbatim. verge. vs. vibrator. vices. vintage. volley. volatile. vulgar.

that would be a damn good post. anyway, the lawnmower and i have been married for like 1.8 million years so we’re no violet and victor on v day. we’re more like vera and vernon. a name can say it all, can’t it? i think it’s so cool when people are giddy in love. the BIG smiles. the always having some body part touching. the fucking amazing chemicals surging through their bodies: endorphins, dopamines, oxy, pheromones, percocets, aphrodisiacs. it’s true. look it up in a science resource. the impenetrable happiness. the rose-colored glasses. the giggles. i haven’t had the giggles since the last time i did shrooms. oh and when i just recently watched zombieland. the can’t sleep and can’t wait to get out of bed and get to school or work just to see the person.

so i get it. i’m sad it’s gone, never to be back again. besides i wasn’t going to talk about v things. i’m going to talk about shit i hate in the social media world. cuz hate seems more reachable for me this time of year. here we go, hold on to your ass hats:

1. attention whores. i hate girls who post stuff like they’re going out fucking bikini shopping. exactly what kind of comments do you think they’ll get with this status? “show me the pics.” “get a hot one for your hot body.” “can i come?” “would love to be a fly on the fitting room wall.”  so let me get this straight, you need to let the whole sm world know how much every guy and his frat brother wants to bone you? classy. hope you get pregnant. these people are also #5.

2. ignorers. i hate when you send a message or tweet to someone with a question or something that obviously begs a response and you get straight up ignored. ignoring is ignorant! that’s right, ignoring is the latin root of ignorant. guess what, “no” “can’t make it” “i don’t know” are all answers, use them. don’t pretend i don’t exist. that’s just rude. like not thanking me when i hold the door for you. these people are also #3.

3. selfish social media users. i hate the people who put out all of these posts or tweets just for the feedback about how clever, funny, retarded, odd, or controversial they are. but they never ever comment on anybody else’s posts nor do they retweet anybody else. wtf fuck face! you have no opinions about anything unless it comes from your gem-spewing ass? you must be better than me fo sho. i am not worthy. these people are also #4.

4. jealous people. i hate people that won’t even comment when you have a proud parent moment on fb or twitter. really?  i commented on every stupid picture, announcement, and vid of your kid, but you got nothing when it comes to mine? that’s just wrong buckeroo. my kid rulz and if you can’t handle that or at least fake it then i pronounce you weak and jealous. and now i will rub it in all the harder.

5. horoscope publishers. i hate people who publish their daily horoscope. (unless it’s my friend susan because she can do no wrong in my eyes.) why am i supposed to care about your mood, lucky color, lucky number, lucky time of the day, etc when i’m not even the same sign? and unless i’m in love with you, which i discussed earlier hasn’t happened to me in a millenium or so, i don’t need this much detail about you. only newly-in-loves need this kind of detail about another person. you must be an attention whore who needs people to be obsessed with you and this kind of inane bullshit pisses me off because it causes me to scroll more to get through my feeds. so i’m sending you the bills for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

happy valentine’s day and wishing you that new love feeling because everyone but the people above deserves it. xoxo