i’ve received another blogger award. this one is called the end of days award and it’s from this dick who knows how to insult a bitch and crack her up all at the same time — with gusto. it’s pretty awesome.

there are no rules for this award. the only thing i have to do is post a short summation of what i would do if  the mayans were right about 12.21.2012.

i can do this. why the hell not. i don’t have anything else to talk about. oh except maybe this blogher10 conference i attended in nyc this weekend. essentially, it just confirmed for me that i don’t have anything to talk about. i obviously don’t take my blog seriously. fuck, i didn’t even have blogger business cards to pass out.

there are so many bloggers out there who are way more talented.  i don’t even know what i’m doing in the blogosphere.

i don’t have an original bone in my body. i’ve never even coined a word/phrase. i don’t mean like sarah palin (aka shakespeare) who coined “refudiate.”  but actual usable terms like fucktard, crapstorm, cock knuckle or lame sauce.

the homeless people on the street have more words than me. and they’re not even degreed in this shit. and they sure as shit don’t do it for a living where they might stand a chance of having the discipline beaten into them.  and i’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they can’t throw an f bomb way more poignantly.

hell, i can’t even monetize my blog properly. i don’t know how to tell a brilliant story and then tie it to the brand’s needs like one famous blogger (who shall remain unnamed). sure, i figured out how to use google ad sense but that brings in about .000000006 cents per day. however, i think after attending the blogher10 conference i have a blockbuster idea for raking in the ad dollars. just you wait and see! i may reveal it in my next post. if you’re lucky.

i did meet these awesome chicks who can blog like nobody’s business. even though i was my shy and typically socially awkard self especially upon meeting people i adore and admire for the first time, i had a blast partying like rock stars with them.

bugginword and absence of alternatives

a vapid blonde, brilliant sulk, bugginword, for the birds blog, me (who cares)

shy girl wishes she could be a fly girl or spy girl, brilliant sulk, dufmanno

guess what i can’t wait for? this public service announcement with bristol palin advocating abstinence. produced by the candie’s foundation, it will begin airing in may to coincide with national teen pregnancy prevention month. take a look:

are you fucking kidding me? so because you’re a rich bitch, your unplanned teenage pregnancy was no big deal?  but for the rest of the wankers out there it would be an epic fail?  wowsa. say it ain’t so, joe.

without your famous family ”it wouldn’t be pretty”?  i can’t wait until baby tripp grows up and sees this spot. then he can watch his mom say how he was a big unwanted mistake.  but thanks to all the mavericks out there, celebrity saved her from becoming one of the dregs of society.

it wasn’t looking at your baby’s beautiful face, or his irresistible innocence, or being needed and caring for another human being, or finding a love that you never knew you could have that made it all alright. nope, it’s all good because you, bristol palin, were able to throw money at the “problem.”  how glamorous for you.

and for the rest of the poor slobs who become teenage moms, your life is over. there is no hope of an education, decent clothes or shelter, or opportunity.  i guess even though you’re young, you’ll never be able to embrace your situation and turn your life around into something promising and successful. you’re doomed for dirtbaggery.

now, i’m not saying teenage pregnancy is desirable or what i want for my daughter. but “pause before you play” is not the way to go about educating young girls to be smart about sexuality. here’s why:

first, this is the biggest double standard i’ve ever seen. its ok for bristol cuz she’s an idiot affluent and charmed palin, but not for you, skanky skankington.

second, before all of this, bristol told CNN that promoting abstinence isn’t realistic. doggonit, what is your stance already? i see you have strong convictions just like your mom.

lastly, AND THIS IS WHERE A PALIN AND I AGREE ON SOMETHING SO THIS IS HUGE, promoting abstinence isn’t realistic. (for a gajillion reasons, but we’ll save that post for another day.) when will all of these fundamentalists finally fucking accept that it just doesn’t work? when will they realize safety is the most important thing we can teach our young girls?  safety against pregnancy before you’re ready, safety against STDs, safety against unwanted advances, and safety when deciding how to deal with any situation (planned or unplanned) that may arise as a result of being sexually active.

i’m not ready for my daughter to have sex, but when she is ready, we will make sure she approaches it responsibly and with protection. sexuality is one of life’s glorious gifts. and i hope she will thoroughly enjoy sex for all of its pleasures and never ever regret it. (well ok she’s entitled to a few drunken oh-no-i-didn’t-fucking- sleep-with-that-assclown blips during college and in her early 20s. as long as she uses a condom. ribbed for her pleasure, of course.)

be safe and play hard girls! pause if you have to pee or the dude can’t keep up.

i’ve always worried that i’m really trailer trash. because when I have an emotional fight with someone and hear my voice in my left brain hemisphere, it’s ugly. skank ugly. greasy- hair, too-small-tank-top, fat-rolls, slapping-my-kid-in-public ugly.

downright base.

but then I encountered craig and sandy on the train this morning.

craig: i may have done some bad shit to you but i ain’t never fuckin cheated on you.

sandy: yeah. yeah ok i cheated on you? where you gettin that?

(my money is on she’s a crack whore)

craig: you fuckin cheated. what were all those guys doin over your house? then i’m gettin these calls at work saying there’s somebody else.

sandy: what the fuck are you talking about?

craig: just shutup. i’m not explaining myself right. but you’re a fuckin cheater. and so is your friend. you even take her side. you both is cheaters.

(thought this was pretty honest and insightful on his part. sometimes i don’t express myself all too clearly during a fight either.)

sandy: i’m not a cheater. alls I was saying is that she was tellin me about jimmy and i was trying to be supportive. you heard about that shit with jimmy.

craig: no i didn’t. how would I hear that? i don’t get involved in all that gossip and shit like you do.

(i kinda had craig pegged as a bigger person, too.)

sandy: oh! oh yeah i was just talking to my friend and now i’m all gossipy. it’s like when one of your guy friends talks to you about his money problems. i’m getting off the train now.

craig: no, were getting off in camden.

(for the methadone clinic)

sandy: whattaya gonna do, stop me? yeah you’re so tough. wanna see how tough i am?

(don’t think we need this demonstrated)

craig: what the fuck sandy. we’re going to camden.

sandy: imma take care of my own shit. get what i fucking need for myself. i don’t need you.

craig:. what? i don’t give you everything you fuckin need? i always give you everything you fuckin need! know what your problem is?

(he seems like a damn good provider to me. or else he’s a slayer in the sack. it’s unclear what the inference is here.)

sandy: no, what’s my problem craig? why don’t you say it, now that the whole fucking train knows our issues.

(um, not sure I do, really)

craig: oh fuck, fuck, fuck, sandy.

sandy: just listen to me craig. for one minute.

craig: i’m fuckin listenin.

sandy: sorry everyone.

(please let me see their faces when they exit. i need to put faces to this.)

i feel much better about myself now. and that is why i love public transportation.