some people are real scholarly bloggers like absence of alternatives,for the birds, or 20prospect. they use descriptive language and make compelling arguments. i’d like to be sophisticated like that, but you’ve probably noticed i’m not that fancy.
i try to make my goals realistic. i’d be happy even if i could write as good as missy elliot in this work it song:
If you a fly gal get your nails done Get a pedicure, get your hair did Boy, lift it up, let’s make a toast-a Let’s get drunk, that’s gonna’ bring us closer Don’t I look like a Halle Berry poster See the Belvedere playin’ tricks on you Girlfriend wanna be like me, never You won’t find a bitch that’s even better I make you hot as Las Vegas weather Listen up close while I take it backwards I’m not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want I love your braids and your mouth full of floss Love the way my ass go bum-bum-bum-bum Keep your eyes on my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum And think you can handle this gadonk-a-donk-donk Take my thong off and my ass go boom
take my thong off and my ass go boom? that is some powerful imagery. you agree right?
i’m totally phoning this post in because holy tanuki balls i’m slammed at work. by the way that was a reference to the tom robbins book, villa incognito. you have to respect a book which opens with:
”It has been reported that Tanuki fell from the sky using his scrotum as a parachute.”
see tanuki’s scrotum is proportionately larger than the scrota of elephants, whales, and the jolly green giant.
so i declare that reference makes me literary and some shit.
i’m also trying to plan a trip to the carribean. which doesn’t exactly make me a starving and tortured writer person, but i can always drink excessively and take some happy pills to simulate the agony.
speaking of agony, fucking pms. it’s killing me this week. and why doesn’t anybody tell you not to go to the grocery store with pms? they tell you not to go hungry but it’s much worse to go with pms. guess what i ended up with in my cart?
pepperoni and cheese stromboli cheesy scalloped potatoes tater tots strawberry toaster strudel
no, of course not. we of excess and gluttony need one more round of overindulgence and self-destruction. motherfucking awesome.
i’d like to tell you that i’m all resolved, absolved and involved in the new year. but, i’m still looking out at all of you wondering how you have it in you to remain spirited, social, and drug-free.
i always wonder what those of you with faith do when things seem dark and hopeless? i mean isn’t that why you have faith, so things don’t seem all dark and hopeless? at least being an atheist, i’m not pissed at god for feeling low and estranged. one less person to be mad at and blame is kind of a win, don’t ya think? unless of course god is within, so god is me; therefore, i’m just feeling more wrath with myself. that actually sounds about right.
oh i know i should be all ”to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.“
turn, turn, turn.
but i don’t fucking get it. every time should be a time to laugh, embrace, and dance. fuck the times to weep, mourn, break down, hate, lose, etc. are they really necessary? i’m done with those times, just like i’m over the ass sore that is the holidays.
so i wont talk about those times in 2010 that were supposed to provide some kind of ‘leveling,’ ya know to keep us all humble. like the bp oil spill, teabaggers election wins, jessie james’ infidelity, arizona’s anti-immigration law, bristol palin’s psa, prop 8 supporters, bill donahue blaming the gays for pedophilia, etc.
thrash, thrash, thrash.
this ain’t no grammys, no oscars, no disco, no fooling around, this is just the shit i like from 2010 presented in categories i like:
indie album:high violet by the national (it’s my new testament. their album, alligator, is my 13 commandments. hey, i’m very religious — god is within me, remember — so 10 commandments weren’t enough.)
pop song i couldn’t resist: love the way you lie by eminem and rhianna. (shut up, it’s like a punk pop song. ‘sides, bitch got pipes and i totally sound like her when i wail in the car.)
breaththrough movie:the kids are alright (color me a lezzy cuz i have the hots for annette bening and juliane moore. then again there’s mark ruffalo. so color me bi-curious.)
salacious sex scene in a movie: casey affleck and jessica alba in killer inside me (not for the faint-hearted and really sick to like any part of this ultra violent film. but my dreams don’t lie.)
rocker tshirt: tie between “it’s motherfucking booze time” (check it here) and “i think i brained my damage” (here).
caught on tape: joe biden to president obama on the passage of health care reform, “it’s a big fucking deal” (vp with a dirty mouth = hawt.)
commercial worth watching: tie between the kia hamsters doing the black sheep and kevin bacon talking about kevin bacon. (i don’t know what product this latter one is for, but who doesn’t love kevin bacon crossing his fingers wishing he could turn into kevin bacon.)
actual comedy: modern family (lmao every week. should be on hbo for added irreverence.)
dramedy: nurse jackie (girl likes herself some narcotics. why didn’t i consider nursing?)
real drama: tie between dexter and mad men (serial killer who slays serial killers vs. stylistic ad biz show. that’s a toughie, right?)
useful technology: ipad (internet on the train with a large screen for my over 40 eyes + name jokes = no brainer.)
memorable talk show moment: conan obrien doing freebird on his farewell show. (dude can rock out with his sub-woofer out. and he tickles my funny bone.)
depraved blog: vodka and ground beef (i’d link you to it but for some reason it’s like gone. without notice. wtf!)
intriguing blog commenter: tie between bugginword and dufmanno. (both make me feel like i’m swirling in some kind of an imaginarium. that’s a good thing, btw.)
awesome gift giver: three way tie between subwow, wicked shawn and a vapid blonde. (i retire my tiara to these sexy, amazing girls who all blew my mind this year.)
rad nail polish design:fuck u on lindsay lohan’s middle finger (how much do i want to wear this in the corporate conference room!)
book without flowery language: tie between squirrel seeks chipmunk by david sedaris and life by keith richards (each of these artists are iconic and the fiercest in their respective crafts: satirist and rock star.)
and since i’m still wallowing in my suckdom, i’d like to end on bad note. why jimmy choo, why?
uggs aren't pretty to begin with, why bedazzle them?
once upon a time (last week) i dreamt that i flew away to a utopian world by the sea. it was a visually transendental trip and i saw the most fantastic things. (it was not unlike the kind of trip i had the first time i put acid blotter under my tongue in high school and saw floating M&Ms and could read my BFF’s thoughts from the other room. and music sounded more intense than ever. every instrument was like a string attached to my body and mind making my arms and legs dance and my brain pop. only this trip was much more real.)
there was a magnificent sea castle with an ocean view.
and the sirens of atlantis appeared before my very eyes.
then a cranky sea witch who always hated having her picture taken in a bikini emerged from the sea and i saw that her frozen strawberry potion had melted which may or may not have accounted for the reason she was not smiling.
but there were water ninjas determined to make the sea witch smile because they knew she shared their need for speed and non-stop exhilaration.
the sea witch lived in the tower of the doom where thunder and lightning sparks constantly shot out into the sky even amongst the bright sunshine and deep blue sea.
despite having to live in the tower of doom with the evil nunzilla,
the sea witch was made very happy by the beauty and adorned bodies of the nereids who surrounded her.
one night amphitrite (the tall sea nymph) was celebrating her 18th birthday so a handsome black knight brought his chariot to take the sea nymphs and their worshippers to a lively party.
that evening there was merriment and libations
and swings that made one giddy.
even the sea witch was so taken with all of the revelry, she broke out into some form of bohemian dancing (this is a euphemism because it’s hard to classify exactly what she was doing or explain why she had no makeup on).
and voila the birthday mermaid was presented with an abundance of decadent chocolate. (so the sea witch must have been doing a chocolate dance, obvs.)
the next day the sea witch decided to take the nymphs out on a boat to a place where the sea witch could share the wonder of her sea underworld.
the sea witch led them on a guided tour.
there were magical coral reefs,
blue angel fish,*
butterfly fish,*
and moon jelly fairies.*
it was a spectacular adventure and led the sea witch to feel very proud of her marine world. she decided she never wanted to return to the evil tower of doom or the harsh reality that she had known. so they all lived happily ever after amongst the nymphaeaceae.
the end.
*i know nothing of fish species so i made these names up. fuck it, it’s my fairy tale so i can.
bwahahaha I said cockles. it’s not short for cock knuckles but it kind of sounds like that. glad we got that little bit of immaturity out of the way.
remember “the breakfast club” where allison says “when you grow up your heart dies.” that line scares the living bewitched out of me. this growing up stuff is serious business and i don’t like it one iota.
iota is a weird fucking word.
anywiz, being too serious is seriously not for me.
these 5 things reassure me that I haven’t died inside:
1. i love seeing an old lady wearing a pencil skirt, pantyhose, pumps, bright lipstick, a swing coat with a bug pin, and a cute leather handbag. way to keep the fem alive!
wanting to look pretty, girly and fashionable is not all vanity. it’s loving being a woman. it’s expressive. it gives you a reason to get out and strut your stuff. it’s giving a damn and enjoying every minute of it. and it rocks the casbah!
2. i thoroughly enjoy unadulterated enthusiasm. for anything. for teaching with excitement and caring passionately about your subject. for loving your job at the convenience store and actually wanting to be the best, most helpful goddamn clerk around. for being an impassioned musician and singing, playing, or conducting like you’re all lost in your crazy (think alanis morissette signing “you oughta know” or the fiery violin playing of joshua bell). enthusiasm is moving.
3. there’s nothing better than laughing my ass off. i’m talking snorting, crying, coughing, breath-taking, UNCONTROLLABLE laughing fits. this is the best release ever. yep, uh-huh, better than the O. i said that shit.
it’s cathartic, memorable and soul-enriching like a fresh intake of oxygen. for doubling me over with laughter, i would like to thank “the hangover,” tina fey, “parenthood,” steve martin, mushrooms, good weed, “something about mary,” “modern family” and food fights with my brother.
4. the love of a dog is unmatched. i am fortunate enough to have this in triple with my pugs: penelope, elliot and angus. their fur is more comforting than linus’s blanket. their expressive faces make me melt. their version of talking makes me giggle. and their devotion is ever so sweet and tender.
then there are those guide dogs for the blind or the dogs that pull wheelchairs. that shit makes me cry in a millisecond. or how about the forlorn dog who has lost one of his owners or siblings? i will ball my eyes out at the mere sight of that.
5. individuality makes me smile. i celebrate all the young hipsters with their wacky garb, messy hair, and awesome bikes. i love the rebels of every generation—the beatniks for finding their inspiration in the underworld, the hippies for woodstock, the sexual revolution and their curiosity for altered states of consciousness, the punks for their thrashing guitars and practice of anti-establishment beliefs . . .
i like less of the same. that’s why i like the following individuals: crispin glover, federico fellini, salvador dali, bill maher, tim burton, the bloggess, the coen brothers, timothy leary, quentin tarantino . . . oh hell this could be an entire post on its own, so let’s just end it here.
