perfect couples bore me
you may already know that girls bore me. the only thing that bores me more is perfect couples. you know the type. in high school it was the head cheerdancer who sprouted a perfect rack in middle school and the jockstrap quarterback. in college it was … well i smoked too much hash and ate too many mushrooms in college so i don’t remember who it was. and as adults it’s these people:
not fun
do you see an edge here? of course not. they’re perfect and don’t know how to have fun. they’re in training for some marathon. always. and they get all wacky the night before their marathons and and have wild carbo-loading parties. riveting.
no, what i like is a badass couple. a rockstar couple that doesn’t give a flying fuck what people think. they’re just true to their firey desires. they’re a hot mess and fucked everywhichway but loose. and that’s why i study these couples:
she tastes just like a peach
clarence and alabama are the epitome of true romance and living on the edge. clarence is an elvis impersonator and alabama is a hooker. clarence becomes her hero when he kills her pimp and steals his suitcase of coke. these two soul mates head to cali to sell the coke and all along they have the mob on their trail. there’s tons of blood, rape and murder, but in the end, here’s what alabama says:
“Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: you’re so cool, you’re so cool, you’re so cool.”
speaking of blood, there’s these two:
note his blood necklace. that's hot, motherfucker.
ohmyfuckinggod! wearing each other’s blood on a necklace is so erotic. just shut up, this is my fantasy, bitches. i always imagined them alone in some isolated cabin in the woods doing wicked pagan things like cutting each other and making a suicide pact so they could be together for all of eternity.
and the rad couple who actually pulled off the ultimate suicide pact? romeo and juliet. these two BAMFs couldn’t live without each other so they killed themselves to preserve their forbidden love forever. and delivered a big fuck you to their feuding fams.
hard core elizabethans
then there is the punk romeo and juliet, sid and nancy.
vicious is delicious
ok, so he stabbed her to death, but they were always talking about killing themselves. and after it happened he proclaimed he couldn’t live without her and hadn’t kept his end of the bargain. when he was released from prison he intentionally overdosed to be with her again. their lives were full of violence, volatility, and the ecstasy of heroin. tragically punk and tragically sexy!
alright, alright enough about the seductiveness of suicide pacts. let’s get back to fun. and who had more fun than these gangstas?
guns are a rush
bonnie and clyde. nothing gets the libido pounding like being outlaw bank robbers. i’d seriously like to try this shit. just for the mothefucking rush. or at least i’d like to join these gun-toting, cigar-smoking punks in a bed strewn with stolen cash and a smoking pistol.
more exhilirating than serial bank robbing couples might just be serial killing couples.
psychopaths are sexy
mickey and mallory are natural born killers. he helps her kill her sexual abusing father and enabling mother and they go off on a killing spree across route 666. along the way they tease and tantalize their victims, and kill just for kicks. hey a kick is a kick. never knock a kick because we don’t get enough of them in life. these two were tight and had some trippy, psychedelic sex. tell me this convo isn’t romantic:
Mickey: The whole world’s comin’ to an end, Mal!
Mallory: I see angels, Mickey. They’re comin’ down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin’ a big red horse, and you’re driving them horses, whippin’ ‘em, and they’re spitting and frothing all ‘long the mouth, and they’re coming right at us. And I see the future, and there’s no death, ’cause you and I, we’re angels…
Mickey: I love you, Mal.
Mallory: I know you do baby, and I’ve loved you since the day we met.
and last but most important, fight club’s own tyler and marla.
crazy sex gives me goose bumps
he forms fight clubs where men act out their aggressions and violently beat each other to a pulp. and she is a disturbing, chain-smoking, sex-starved tourist. amongst the blood, violence and xanax overdoses, these two have THE MOST stupendous sex in the world. in one scene she is yelping in ecstasy as they are pounding away and it’s causing plaster to fall from the ceiling in the room below them where jack the narrator (or everyman) sits. marla says:
“My God. I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.” epic.
who are your favorite badass couples?
Sid and Nancy were perfect together! Where were Thelma and Louise? Okay, I know they weren’t a traditional couple, but in my mind, one of the most badass couples of all time in a no-traditional couple kind of way. Clarence and Alabama, so sweet and naive. Ya’ know, in a killing spree sort of way.
Also, how hot was Diane Lane and the guy she had the affair with(Olivier Martinez) in Unfaithful???? Yummmmmy. Forbidden stuff is usually hot!!!
Nothing less hot than those meant to be perfect “Nicholas Sparks type” couples. Sets off my gag reflex every fucking time. No thanks.
Also, I would much rather see Angelina with the Bobster, maybe then the formerly perfect specimen known as Brad Pitt wouldn’t be sporting that chingina, cause yeah, I blame her for that shit!!!!
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I was so hot for Leo after that movie. I wanted to BE Juliet.
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So he stabber her to death, such a minor detail when you are talking about true badass love. LOL
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wicked shawn – omg diane lane and olivier martinez in unfaithful!!! and thelma and louise: a total miss on my part.
carrie – where for art thou my juliet?
linda – details shmetails.
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i get the bonnie and clyde thing except probably didn’t rock out in the sack covered in money since he was impotent. sorry to spoil your fantasy.
def mickey and mallory along with tyler and marla. jack kicks marla out every morning and she keeps coming back for more because the sex is that fucking great. it’s amazingly passionate never-want-it-to-end, i-could-go-on-forever perfect sex when things break, plaster falls, the neighbors are disturbed, dogs bark, the windows get steamy and the westy is a rockin! these couples (except bonnie and clyde) had this.
oh and don’t forget cora (lana turner) and frank from the postman always rings twice. who could resist cora, the frustrated diner waitress stuck in the middle of nowhere with a boring husband? worth killing for…
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There’s not nearly enough respect for the way some go careening through life
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How couild you forget Billy and Hilly from Arkansas. These two paved a path of destruction throughout the South before they continued racking up the bodies up in Washington. Those two motherfuckers get my nod!!!
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Pass the mushrooms, BAMF!
Ellen and Portia are hotter than any of these muthafuckas, no?!
Why can’t I think of one single cool Hollywood couple????
Wait!! Beyonce and Jay-Z.
They’re hawt.
And Jon Stewart and me. In my mind, it’s pretty hot…
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another lovable essay/post: thanks cuz :]
honorable mention: lula and sailor from wild at heart?
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skullboy – love me a fight club fan. and cora and frank are an awesome addition. turbulence rulz!
omawarisan – word!
horizontal logic – there’s nothing not sexy about sax playing prez.
marymac – ellen and portia are an excellent addition! get in line for jon stewart, girl.
pjk – lula and sailor! omg yes. when are we going to collaborate on these things?
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What? No Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos? They are ALL about living on the edge.
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@patty punker
perhaps soon. . . couchsurfing project might put me on the east coast this summer :]]
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You listed all of them! True Romance is definitely a fav. And I can watch that Romeo and Juliet over and over again. Don’t you LOVE the soundtracks? Shakespeare is a punk ass. Who knew?!
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I sprouted a perfect rack in Junior High but I was only copying a friend.
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elly lou – i want to pour franzia down her throat until she bloats.
pjk – couchsurfing project- HA!
subwow – i did miss a few. sigh. but omg yes the soundtracks! i thought i was the only one who downloaded movie soundtracks. can we be besties?
linlah – you know i’m jealous! i always tried to copy my friend too but it never happened for me.
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Dude, this is what it’s about isn’t it? Excitement? I know so many people that live in a cycle of work/dinner/sleep and that just kills me. With the addition of our little Miss E, we’ve been much more scheduled than before, but the norm of deciding on the ride home from work to go to King’s Island 3 hours away with an almost empty bank account is pretty awesome.
We once got tattoos together because it seemed like too nice a night to just drive home.
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keeping you awake – i love the tattoo night cap idea! bravo.
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I’m all about the Tyler and Marla but I will say that Gary Oldman and Lena Olin in Romeo Is Bleeding had me at first sight. Daring feats of escape, trying to kill each other the whole time, super hot intensity!
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I think when we hi-jack (notice I didn’t say kidnap) Jimmy Fallon,
we should definitely get tattoos, and yes, he and I will go on a crazy killing spree, fueled by sparkling white zin and anti-seizure meds. Clive Owen will hunt us down, it’s okay though, when he finds us, I will have THE sex with him to convince him to let Jimmy go, cause I’m dedicated like that. Le’sigh, the things I do. Then, Clive will realize how important it is I get to the West Coast, he will continue the trip with me, take up my cause, killing all of the bad guys his former boss sends after us, while falling madly in love with me. In the end, we will arrive safely in San Diego, only to find Jimmy waiting there, sitting in a dimly lit room, his face hidden by a hat, gun in hand, he is forced to shoot Clive to win me back. Of course, he never really lost me. I was his all along. You down?
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dufmanno – omg what is this romeo is bleeding. gary and lena? i’m adding this to my movie queue stat.
wicked shawn – i want to make out with you hard right now. that is an epic plot. and i’m down, girlfriend, so down.
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I think my favorite couple of all time was James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal in “The Secretary.” I’m not sure if they were bad ass or just really messed up, but it was a turn on.
I felt a little guilty about it, but so did my wife.
Guilt + Guilt = Damn good time!
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Perfect couples dont bore me, they annoy the crap out of me. Doucheabags!Q
Awesome post, totally loved reading it. Angela in the time of Billy Bob was the hottest thing ever, and yes this is coming from a homo.
Love the Bonnie and Clyde stuff. Bad is soooo good!
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This will probably make you puke in your mouth a little; but my fave couple is me and my dude.
Me: ex drug-addict 30-something freakshow from Amsterdam.. hubs: 20 something, bad-ass, artist that’s the biggest, most loyal romantic ever. Plus he gave me the best prezzie ever.. my kick-ass son, Felix.
Me loves us… and me loves you too.
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Patty, I always suspected you were deep down inside a closet conservative/traditionalist. Of course that’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s punkass cool to the rest of us. Interestingly, I’m a flaming out of the closet conservative who probably lives a more radical fantasy driven lifestyle than you do(I do live the rock and roll life) but I do maintain my traditional values in the end. It’s all about balance my friend and I can see that you clearly get that. So lets all party naked but make sure you go home at night with your significant other.
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one of the guys – omg the secretary! nothing like a guilty good time.
brahm – welcome brahm! thanks for your totally awesome comment. mwuah.
shauna – awww that’s a great little bio/comment/story! i love you back, girlfriend.
horizontal logic – well put! trust me i have many layers and am a tough nut to crack. i don’t even get me.
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Love Love Love The Secretary couple. They are awesome…. asides from that, Romeo and Juliet. Leo was (and still is) a fine piece of rare meat. Yumm-o
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Perfect couples make me feel stabby. Although I love them with all my heart, my sister and her husband are “that” perfect couple (AKA the accountant and the girl scout leader). I’m much more comfortable with my biker buds. Gimme a couple that reeks of Axe and desperation and my cold black heart gets a tiny flutter. Save the Richard Geres of the world for someone else. Or my sister.
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I can’t think now coz I’m kinda horny!!
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annah – leo=yum-o. thanks for stopping by!
dawn – we should hang. xoxo
eternally distracted – then i’ve done my job.
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I have to say that it’s the pairs that were just never meant to be that get me. I so wanted Evey and V to end up together in the end of V for Vendetta! I mean she loved him even after he tortured her! Now that’s love!
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The codependent joggers make me want to puke. I hate couples. All couples. Just be hatin’. Mostly because I haven’t been part of one for like a hundred years. Ok, mostly I hate them because they’re probably getting laid and I’m not over here in Kernut’s World.
Can you say ‘Frustrated’?
Ok, well if I have to pick then Romeo and Juliette. Fav song is Dire Strait’s same (chorus: ‘It’s just that the time was wrong. Juliette’). *sigh*
But I tend to pick the bad-boys with tattoos and Harleys. I always think one will someday pick me up, cary me to the bedroom, and ravish me. Still waiting.
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Sid and Nancy….ahh.
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