i hurt in weird places
one of the reasons i wanted health care reform to pass was because i happen to have a few pre-existing conditions and wouldn’t be able to get health insurance on my own at a cost anywhere less than $50k per year. so i have to work for the sluggish corporatey goliaths lead by douchey ex-student body presidents, mean girls all grown-up, type A blowhards, spotlight whores, and mirror gazers.
but what the insurance companies don’t understand is that I really don’t have any physical conditions at all.
i just hurt in weird places.
see, life’s emotional shit manifests itself in my body physical. this is evidence-based medical science people and has been proven in double blind placebo-controlled clinical trials. or something like that.
all I know is the emotional-physical connection is undeniable. and I think the name for it is referred pain. or something like that.
how do I know this? because once the emotional factor is removed from my life, my condition goes into remission and I no longer need expensive health care services like specialist visits, MRIs, ultrasounds, or surgeries that end in ectomy or scopy.
The diagram below shows the type of chronic health conditions the insurance companies think I have that make me an expensive risk, and the actual causes and treatments:
now isn’t it obvious just how silly those insurance companies’ medical underwriting systems are? i might have a few flaws here and there, but they can all be fixed for next to nothing.
(but if the insurance companies want to continue to pay for my recreational drugs, that would be super awesome. i’d be willing to pay a little more in premiums for the convenience.)
The conscious mind is like the part of the iceberg that is seen above the surface, the subconscious is vast and deep like the giant slab of ice underwater. The subconscious will show itself in some crazy ass ways like dreams or psychosomatic illness (mine is always a crushing chest pain). The subconscious self is our true self. Gotta let it out sista!!!! Nice!
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Darling, we won! I agree with you completely and will loudly fart in the elevator tomorrow! (assuming I am by my self, then I will do a SBD)
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I would like to request written permission to print your uber professional medical diagram out so I can plaster it all over my neurologist’s office. As you may remember, he has 0 sense of humor and this shit would positively leave him speechless. I am not certain, but I am pretty sure we would find him wandering his own halls in need of his own prescription pad. Bwaahahahaha!! This was FABULOUS!!!!!
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“So, I’ll remove the cause…but not the symptom” – Dr. Frank N Furter. Spotlight Whores and Mirror Gazers, I’ve run into a few of them.
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linda – my subconscious is a cruel mistress.
melissa – bwahahaha. let it rip, girl. and yes we won!!!!
ws – thanks love! yes, feel free to share with your neurologist because this shit is evidence-based medical science. as in evidently, people need to stop fucking with me.
hl – Dr Frank N Furter is full of filler. yeah, if only they had mirrors in conference rooms, these corporate douches would be happy as pigs in shit. then they could see themselves talk cuz god knows they love to hear themselves talk.
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Yeah… I have strange aches and pains too. I just choose to ignore them since I’m crazy and will only go to a doctor if I’m sure I’ll die otherwise. But I’m fine, thanks for asking!
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you’re an insurance company’s dream customer. glad you’re fine, melme.
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Next time a woman tells me she suffers from “Osteoarthritis” I am getting as far away from that dangerous bitch as possible.
http://www.stuff-about.com
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My condition is called “Idon’thandlestresswellitis.” It manifests in pulled muscles in my back that take me out of commission completely for days, but mostly in migraines. I always resisted the whole mind-body connection thing but it’s amazing what relaxation techniques can do for you. Or so I’m told. So far I’ve tried to be a positive thinker, but it’s a constant struggle for someone who was born and raised a cynic and whose mother’s life motto is “Life sucks, and then you die.”
So I’ve got some conflicting voices, and therefore maybe I should add schizophrenic to the list?
Anyway, I hope you figure all your stuff out! There’s nothing worse than living with pain.
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AL – i may get you in your sleep.
kaela – my mother told me stress causes cancer so i get conflicting voices. i have the schizophrenia too!
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I have a stress hip, she’s called my mother-in-law/boss. And since killing your MIL/Boss is socially unacceptable I have to walk around collapsing all summer.
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MIL is your Boss, too? you’ve got me beat by a long shot.
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@patty punker
It totally sucks. And in about 40 days my love/hate struggle begins.
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