potions, lotions and a lepidopterist
time for me go into my cage punkers. don’t be concerned. it’s a self-imposed imprisonment. i shouldn’t be near people right now cuz i’m all ragey and hormonal.
and angsty.
and angsty ragey hormonal.
when i enter my cage, i look like an untamed bush woman with dilated pupils, and sticks, leaves and dirt in my dreadlocky hair.
when i’m in this condition, primping and grooming take a back seat to wanting to closed-fist punch a baby bunny.
the cage is good for me. it’s full of oversized cushions. but also with knives and small feather pillows that i can mad stab the fuck out of.
it’s stocked with potions like pitchers of sangria and franzia boxes laced with xanax for soothing my savage beast.
the cage is also replete with lotions for softening my skin, conditioning my hair, calming my nerves, relaxing my muscles, and inducing deep rem sleep.
there is a life size voodoo doll that i can jab with chopstick sized needles to circumvent the irritating behavior of:
- slow walkers (stick in the hips)
- loud talkers (stick in the throat)
- ego-maniacal corporate bosses (stick in the gut)
- douchey drivers (stick in the eyes)
- mean girls (stick in the back)
- catholic priests (stick in the scrotum)
- people who eat up all of my time by talking incessantly about all of the minutiae in their lives (stick in the neck).
i have a pretty young thing who comes to shampoo my hair, massage my scalp and give me a blowout. she brushes my hair for hours, does foot reflexology and applies lotions where i can’t.
there is triumphant music piped in like beethoven’s ode to joy when i need to jump up and feverishly conduct. and tender lullabies like asleep by the smiths when i want someone to sing me to sleep (for the last time).
or i may choose to partake in the magical poppy garden.
it is sunny, 80 and breezy in the cage. there are splendorous butterflies and an eccentric lepidopterist who explains how the butterflies got their brightly-colored and complex-patterned wings. he also teaches me how to catch and hold a butterfly. the always curious look in his eyes and his baritone voice pacify me.
there is copious fresh fruit and delectable cheeses.
no shoes.
only sundresses and warm skin.
and what cage wouldn’t be home to my inner barbarian without the perfect social anxiety drug (no side effects, no half-life grogginess, no calories). in abundance.
the bars on the cage are there so i don’t try to leave. sometimes i’m a glutton for punishment and feel the need to leave my protected environment to go out tilting at windmills.
enter again the untamed bush woman.
won’t you join me in my cage? my guests must be careful not to overwhelm or overstimulate me. and do not think it possible to enter unless you can amuse me with fantastic tales or braid my hair.
I want in that cage. It sounds like the best prison ever. I ask this completely seriously: does the voodoo doll work? And if so where do I stab for passive agressive ex husbands? I feel like “dick” is too obvious.
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
hells yeah. let’s try the ass.
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I’m in… and can I bring Max too? He is more used to being caged than me so I reckon he might be able to calm me down when you get all stabby…
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
how could i have forgotten max! we’ll have swings too. for max and us.
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Oh, I want a cage of my own!!! I feel like it would be unsafe to cage me with others. What with my own ragey issues. Plus, I love all of you, it isn’t you I want injure. Also, maybe the cage could come with insanely hot Spartacus boys, mine, that is, I like those boys, a LOT!!!
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
spartacus boys – lovely!
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Honestly a cage just isn’t complete without the Smiths. Then and only then can you call it home.
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
i knew we would be friends!
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What? I’m sorry. I’m kinda busy digging my uterus out with this rusty spoon I found in the bottom of an abandoned terracotta planter. Can I borrow one of those knives you mentioned? I swear I’ll do it here, outside the cage, so I don’t leave any mess.
…and hugs.
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
uterus or not, you’re my venus.
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subWOW Reply:
July 16th, 2010 at 4:11 am
This is so beautifully poetic!
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Holy fried bat balls Patty, I need me a cage like so. Once I had a butterfly land on my head, but it was at the zoo and it was super humid in there and filled with screaming kids so it doesn’t count as relaxing at all. I love your voodoo doll. Please send me link to buy one.
We must be on a strange cosmic link because my last post about things that make me crazy had some remarkable similarities. But alas, I have no cage….suckage.
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
come into mine and we will bask in butterfly silk
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I think I should probably invest in a cage of my own. Im feeling especially stabby and cant even blame hormones. Im just a stabby bitch, and the realization of that makes me even more stabby.
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
when i cage myself, i am transformed.
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through magical thinking I project into your cage the most rockin’ “you’d swear it’s got a viable personality”-type redwood bonsai to soothe and amuse you… love u PPnkr :]
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
what a delightful gift. mwuah!
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I want to meet this lepidopterist, you can always use another eccentric lepidopterist on your fb friend list, that is what I always say…..You slay me Patty.
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patty punker Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
you would adore him, linda. and he, you.
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Wait, you’ve got father Tom on the list but no nun with a chopstick shoved in her ass?
I have a pair of pinking shears and long revenge list just waiting to be executed.
Sister Mary Pat and I have a score to settle.
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she’ll need labiaplasty when i’m done with her.
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It’s not relaxing if I read poppy as poopy, but I’m loving not having to wear shoes.
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patty punker Reply:
July 16th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
eeeww- just eewww.
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Butterflies right? No caterpillars? I would freak out if there are caterpillars…
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patty punker Reply:
July 16th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
awww caterpillars are cuddly.
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I make a good mojito. I don’t sing anyone to sleep, but I listen a lot of them awake.
Glad you’ve got a cage, work your way out soon.
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patty punker Reply:
July 16th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
i may never leave.
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Is it okay if I join you in your cage and just sleep in the corner for a month. I won’t bother anyone and I’ve heard I make a great pillow.
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patty punker Reply:
July 16th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
will you braid my hair?
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I would love to join you in your cage darling but I’d be like all inappropriate and annoying and you’d toss my ass in a heartbeat. It’s best I remain in my own cage for the time being.
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patty punker Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
well you are a staunch republican. ; )
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By the way, I do a wicked french braid. You’ll look like a rabid yet sexy version of Heidi.
Yodel AHH EHHH OOOOOOO!!!!
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patty punker Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
now that’s hot!
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OOOh, I love the list! And the cage! Can I come? We need a masseuse in the cage. I know one. She’s in Santa Barbara. She might come willingly, but we might have to kidnap her.
P.S. I braid hair really well.
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patty punker Reply:
July 18th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
you’re in. i’ll move the cage to santa barbara. i hate the philly winters.
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Oh, we should all have one of these! This is like therapy, massage, and a vacation all wrapped up in one. I need it.
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come and cook for me, love.
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If you break me out of my cage, I’ll break you out of yours.
That’s how I’ve been feelin’ being home full time with my kids. I love ‘em, but damn the days are long!
On second though, maybe I just need to break into yours.
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patty punker Reply:
July 20th, 2010 at 2:14 am
it’s all about transformation.
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Hmmm…
I always read peoples tags and something disturbs me. I just hope your cage is stocked full of all the support you need. Drugs, knives to stab a pillow, comfort, love, solitude to be who the fuck ever you need to be, want to be, will be.
Just be.
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WINNER WINNER WINNER best comment ever!!! yes, that’s why i have the cage to transform my thoughts. i go in like a caged animal and find all i need to save me so i can just be. and i’m a category/tag reader too so i respect your attention to detail. and i love you hard.
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I recently watched season 1 dvd of series United States of Tara. You’re sounding kinda like Gimme the poncho goblin here patty.
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patty punker Reply:
July 22nd, 2010 at 12:33 am
love this reference!
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i’m really digging this concept! i could def use a cage of my own, maybe in the form of a band house? ideas…
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