wtf work bathrooms
hi ho hi ho
at work i cannot go
fuck fuckity fuck
work bathrooms suck
what douche canoe decided we should share bodily waste in the same room with coworkers?
by we, i mean others. not me. because i don’t do this. because i can’t. because the work bathroom is just the most fucked up place in the world.
i mean you attend meetings with these people for fuck’s sake. you shouldn’t be distracted by thoughts of the monstrous odor that was created by one of them in the bathroom. and you shouldn’t have to share a bathroom with your boss, your boss’s boss or direct reports. how can you respect anyone when you know their bizarre bathroom habits?
take my boss, for example. she flushes the toilet every time she’s about to drop a deuce. so she’ll be in there flushing 3, 4, 5 times in a row. so stupid. she’s a super smart woman but a total fucktard in the bathroom. does she really think it’s any less apparent that she is pooping?
then there’s my one direct report who doesn’t wash her hands. she’s always speeding her ass off from caffeine and cigarettes. apparently always being in a hurry applies in the bathroom, too. she won’t take the extra 40 seconds to wash her hands. don’t touch my motherfucking mouse, you freak!
another one of my favorites is the sr. director of hr systems. he does the walk of shame to the men’s room with the fucking wall street journal in his hand. he might as well be waving a flag to the entire floor that says, “off to pinch a loaf. don’t get caught in my wake.” this is TMI at its worst. for the love of all that is good and holy, how did he get to be a senior director? he has zero dignity.
of course, that’s a little more dignified than the old spinster who i would have sworn had entered mental pause except that she carries her maxi pad in her hand to the bathroom. conceal your weapon for fuck’s sake. and a maxi pad? a tampon won’t deflower you.
the vp’s admin likes to spray that peach air freshener after she drops the kids off at the pool. like profusely. and nothing makes me want to hurl more than the peach and poop smell combined. bleccccchhhh. now i can’t smell peaches without conjuring up that smell and gagging. thanks for ruining jersey fresh peaches for me, asshole.
then there’s the customer support supervisor who, get this, grunts. are you a fucking animal? there is no need to verbalize anything while on the toilet. especially not struggle. but i don’t want to hear sighs, humming, or singing either. what the fuck, you’re not alone in here.
and i really feel for you men. how can you stand next to your colleague with your dick in your hand? seriously, how is this accepted as normal? do you gossip about the head honcho being a ‘grower not a shower’? (i would cuz i’m mature like that.) i mean what if we chicks all sat around with our legs spread showing each other some gaping vag and peeing into a hole. then giving ourselves a little flick to free the last drop. exactly.
but there is something worse than all of this and it’s the ridiculous number of office farters. work stress must make people gassy. why oh why oh why do I have to be in the same room as somebody releasing toxic gas from their bunghole? it’s so dehumanizing. and it fucking stinks. and bathrooms have an echo so it sounds like an anal volcano. just what i fucking need when I get up from my desk for a quick break is amplified butt tuba and animal grunt sounds.
although that is the perfect soundtrack for work. cuz work is fucking awesome.
Yay !!!!!!! I’ve been SO waiting for this all morning! And yes… I am huge. As in, I eat too many donuts huge?
It came out awesome hun buns! Tomorrow’s post will point this way to you. Cuz’ we’re blog fuck buddies and that’s what blog fuck buddies do. They whore each other out. Bahhahaha.
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
you called me hun buns. double score!
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I agree with you on the how do men do it thing. I mean way way too much information about your co workers. Like really how do you stand next to your boss and do that without cracking up, seriously. Good one Patty!
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
how do you do without cracking up or pointing and cracking up?
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I am here for you. Here is how we do it –
1) There is no talking, unless your job title involves the words Idaho and Senator. No talking from when you hit the door, until you are washing your hands. Next time you are behind two men heading toward the room take note, they will stop whatever conversation they’re having the moment they reach the door.
2) Look at the tile. Look only at the tile. Head or eye movement to the side is met with immediate derision. Many restaurants now have the sports page posted in a glass case over each urinal to give us something to think about. Some even have tv monitors.
And now, a question. You have a couch in the bathroom – WTF?
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
idaho and senator – bwahahaha!
no couch in the bathroom. it would have to be made of stone so people wouldn’t get comfortable. eeeewwwww.
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At least you don’t have to deal with port-a-johns (shitters, johnny houses, blue coffins, whatever you want to call them). I spent many years on construction sites dealing with them. If you think a pencil-pushers have horrible dietary and hygiene habits, try sharing an open cesspool with a bunch of roofers and painters.
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
i’d rather eat tar and paint. my condolences.
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This m’lady is rockity awesome! So many things to comment on: How about starting with me eating ramen noodles while reading this?! My gag reflex fortunately is not that sensitive. Your boss needs a bathroom flusher sound system called “Sound Princess”: http://inventorspot.com/articles/otohime_saves_face_sounding_like_a_flush_14224
Not making this up. You can find them in Japan and in Taiwan too. Apparently by installing this the country saved a lot of water! The walk of shame with WSJ AND maxipad. Wow. The grunter reminds me of the scene in Austin Powers “Courtesy flush, please!” The illustrations are super!
I am the only person using the lady’s room on my floor right now. It is truly a blessing. But it also makes me paranoid: I always clean up after myself since the cleaning lady will know WHO made that mess… Another way to solve this dilemma of yours is to work for a male dominant company: in our HQ, very few women can be found other than the floor where HR, Accounting, Administrations are.
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
so you’re telling me the multiple flush is a courtesy THING? oy vay.
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OMG! I can’t stop laughing! I wish you could have written one of these about my current job, your old job! You rock girlfriend!
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
it’s all the same: GROSS.
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I had a post up once that I have since taken down about our work bathroom that I fondly call the bucket in the closet, hence NO POOPING EVER!
Oh right except for the *ladies* who feel it’s okay to defile even when we tell them that things might over flow. They poo anyway and it’s way to close to our breakroom!
GAG.
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
how come you took it down? people are telling me this post is too much and what if my coworkers find out about it. i’m thinking, seriously any one of my posts would have me fired.
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OH FUCK!! I busted out in laughter reading this. Now everyone is looking at me all funny like. I totally 10000000 % plus agree with you. When I worked I had to be sick I mean as in food poisoning type sick to do poo at work. Even then I would go way out of my way to the CT Scan office and once there use their back bathroom. I may have done that once, maybe twice in all the time I worked there.
SO glad you found me on Twitter because that’s how I found your awesome blog!
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patty punker Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 12:38 am
i discovered you on elly’s blog. so we should tag-team her. and lick her in the face.
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Annah sent me.
I guess no one here grew up in the south during the days of the BIG Depression besides me. My family was better off than most because my Dad worked his buns off to provide for the 8 members of our family, so we actually had lights, running water, and a bathroom in our house. All most people in rural areas had in those days was a tar paper shack with an outhouse behind it. If they had a “two holer” (think toilet seats) outhouse they were considered to be in the upper tier of the lower class of people.
Most rural “fillin’ stations” (gas stations to you young city slickers) also only had an outhouse in the back for people to use if they needed to make a comfort stop and bought a gallon of gas just so they could use it.
A fellow up in the hills of Tennessee who owned a fillin’ station had a “two holer” outhouse and a weird sense of humor. He rigged up a microphone inside his station to a speaker that he installed under the outhouse perch. If a lady went in the outhouse he’d give her just enough time to get seated to begin to do her business and then he’d speak through the microphone and say, “Lady, would you mind using the other hole because I’m working under this one”. What followed was amusing to observe.
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patty punker Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 12:52 am
why am i hearing dueling bangos now? i’m going to take this up with annah.
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yeap… nothing as disgusting to me to “share” bathroom noises with other people… nevertheless coworkers.
What did ever happen with concrete walls, people?
agghhh
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patty punker Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
concrete walls and doors – brilliant!
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Vanilla North Reply:
June 30th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
that amazed me when l lived in the US… No paper doors in Europe!
yikes!
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My old secretary used to leave bloody pads laying around in the work bathroom. And if you went in after her, it smelled like fish. No exaggeration.
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patty punker Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 12:53 am
what. the. fuck. i wish she would have left one for the fellow from tennessee. see don’s comment above.
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Anal Volcano.
Wow that made my day.
I once had a work buddy who must’ve spent time with Ted Bundy while she changed her pad because the place was hosed down with blood.
The type of stuff Doctor G. medical examiner probably dreams about but whatever.
I personally would rather wait until my inner plumbing exploded than crap at work. The horror.
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patty punker Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 12:59 am
this gives new meaning to “there will be blood” and i don’t like it. not one bit.
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I wanna make a picture of dueling banjos! Let’s do this thing!
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p.s. I’m a dodo head and forgot to put you on my post… but I did now
Towards the end. Read read.
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patty punker Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 2:44 pm
how about a picture of a dodo head? thanks for the props, sugar pops.
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I don’t even like to talk about bodily functions, let alone be forced to experience other people’s performance of said bodily functions, attempts at masking said bodily functions or the sounds accompanying their bodily functions. Seriously, I avoid these situations at all costs.
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patty punker Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 12:16 am
i knew i adored you. you’re wicked in all the right ways.
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Oh, dear lord, Patty. You are so right on. This is right up there with the top reasons why I’m grateful to be a telecommuter. Even worse than the stall scenario, a couple of times in the past I’ve worked for small (approx 12 person) companies where the bathroom was a co-ed (or as they say in the sticks of Italy, “uni” – unisex) 3′ x 3″ room. While this did provide individual “privacy,” the door was directly adjacent to the cube farm in one case, the copy machine in another. Of course it had a 2″ gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. Every sound and odor traveled as if there were no barrier at all.
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patty punker Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 4:37 am
oh for christ sake even the individual ones are bad. i’ve lost all hope. though telecommuting sounds good. or quitting. and pretending to work. and pretending to run the show. and the first change i’d make would be super sound proof single bathrooms.
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I don’t miss work bathrooms. The worst was those fucking signs that some labia face printed out with bad clip art that said, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.” stab. stab. stabbity stab.
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patty punker Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 4:38 am
la-la-la-la-la-la my la-labia face
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Eeew. eeew. eeew.
I actually feel a bit better about my office bathroom situation… at least I only have the grunter to contend with. Damn, who takes an UNCONCEALED maxi pad to the bathroom?
I never really considered this from the man’s point of view. I can’t even imagine standing at the trough next to your boss, both with dick in hand.
So happy to be a girl right now.
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patty punker Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 4:40 am
yes you inspired this post with your grunter story. i told you it was coming. i brought it hard, girlfriend.
ps: i’m always happy to be a girl. girls rule, boys drool.
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And I LOVE Annah’s artwork! Totally adds to the post.
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patty punker Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 4:50 am
awww. that’s awesome. she’s looking for famosity and to get B.O.N.ed so she’ll be happy to see this.
ps: the bloggess just linked to annah in her sidebar! so cool.
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I have deep hatred for all public restrooms but office bathrooms are the WORST! I laughed out loud at pretty much this entire post and all the awesome artwork.
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patty punker Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 4:51 am
you’re a doll. thanks for saying so.
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Lol yes Patty booboo! Make me famous!
tweet about me. Omg I have to be at the airport in like 3 hours and I’m getting plastered-doodle with the evil ninjas 
and I do have twitter!!!! I just don’t understand it. Redannahbanana. That’s me! 
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You are DEFINITELY one of THE GUYS!! So damn funny. I guess bathroom humor isn’t just for men.
I was “cracking” up!! (Sorry couldn’t help it)
I think the worst is the guy walking with the newspaper to the can. So funny. I mean, no shame?? Or the guy who talks in the stall on his cellphone?
Guys don’t chat when they’re at the stalls. They’ll chat up until the moment they unzip, then it’s silence. Any dude that talks to me, I steer clear of upon leaving the bathroom.
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patty punker Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 9:35 pm
how did i forget about the cell phone users in the bathroom! how rude to the person on the other end.
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Oh my god! We were just bemoaning today that we work in a public place with a lot of…um…questionable clients (we do home support and job connect and social assistance) and since I am in the resource area out front, I get to ‘share’ in the public washroom. You don’t know gross until you see drops of *blood* ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM! Like, holy crapoli woman, you felt like you needed to leak your menstruation everywhere so we can all know you’re on the rag? Seriously, super gross. And I found out b/c a kid about twelve came out to report ‘there’s blood in your bathroom’. FML
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patty punker Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 9:36 pm
holy crapoli! i love it.
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Excellent post. And disturbing as hell. Becuz it’s true.
I hate the washroom at work, and as I have the smallest bladder in the western hemisphere so I have to pee constantly (makes airplane travel not so fun).
The not washing hands freaks me out. The bringing in your blackberry and typing away is gross. Making a call from the stall is wrong. Get in, do your business, get the hell out.
And don’t get me started on people who dont flush or clean up after themselves. GROSS…
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patty punker Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 9:37 pm
airplane bathrooms are so wrong especially if you’re seated in the last row and get a whiff everytime the doors open. wtf.
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Great post as usual Patty but why why why do you feel a need a need to discuss such business? It’s true, there is a definite silence when it comes to guys and bathroom etiquette. As for the holding dicks part, don’t you agree that it would be far worse if we didn’t hold them? That makes it o.k. and acceptable in my book.
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patty punker Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 9:38 pm
excellent point. keep a hold on them.
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this stuff about coworkers’ poopin’ habits is… well…. da shit
xo tx for another great blog entry
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this shit is bananas!
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PeeJayKay Reply:
July 4th, 2010 at 4:25 am
loooooooooool
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I don’t go in if there are other people in there. I just don’t want to know.
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patty punker Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
smart girl.
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Being ever so grateful that I’m the only one at work. It’s just me and my privacy. And the night girl that comes in after me is a total OCD cleaner, so it’s all good. BUt Sweet Baby Jesus is footy pajamas, I remember the days of working in a shop full of men. Thankfully, I was good at bossing them around, so sending them to the gas station to contaminate the surroundings SOMEWHERE THE HELL ELSE. I love being the boss.
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patty punker Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
i wanna be the boss of everything.
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WOW. I wish all these things were NOT true. But they are.
I need to add another category- The Giggler. Because if you’re going to grunt and blow the ass trumpet like a regular Louis Armstrong, I AM going to be stifling giggles in the next stall. And pretending that I’m coughing.
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patty punker Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
i just can’t handle the truth.
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First of all, I love the way you lay down a curse sister.
And I have -literally- some of the same crap going on in my office.
Yes, where is HR to protect us now huh?
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i am so glad that there are only 4 females on my floor in my office… it’s like we all know not to go in there. no one wants to hear that or smell that… geeze!
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Hmmm…I think I’m in the minority about my opinions here. I mean, obviously, one prefers some bathroom privacy. As much bathroom privacy as possible. And being an audience to someone’s shitting performances is not exactly a fun-filled activity (nor is having an audience). But, really? We all have to do these things. I wish people could just get over it. The worst, for me, is when someone is in the bathroom just about to poop, or in the middle of it, and then they just stop and go totally silent for however long it takes you to finish whatever you’re doing and get out of there. I find this so ridiculous. (Also, I have no problem walking through the office and down the hall to the bathroom with a tampon in my hand. I mean, I’m not waving it around like a baton. But really, I think the general public is pretty much aware of the fact that monthly bleeding is the usual thing for all women in a certain age range. The fact that I’m in possession of the regular working parts does not mortify me.)
With all of _that_ said, my problems with the shared office bathroom are:
(1) Women who have cell phone conversations while in the stall doing their thing (So. Many. Women. on my floor of the office building do this) — seriously, can we all go a few minutes without being connected to the rest of the world, please?
(2) People who can’t seem to wash their hands without flooding the whole damn counter/sink area.
(3) People who use the toilet seat paper cover things (don’t even get me started on how absurd I find that whole phenomenon) and then don’t make sure that they have flushed them away when they’re done, and you go into a stall to find a half-immersed soggy toilet seat cover flopping out of the toilet. Ick.
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patty punker Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 12:20 am
thank you for your epic comment. and i’m totes with you on 1. 2. and 3.
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on top of the shiney feminine product purchasing box in my work’s stalls someone leaves their toothbrush all open and ready to collect piss and pooh particles…i fight the urge everyday to do despicable things to it…
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patty punker Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 12:22 am
oh yes you need to spit on that toothbrush. i hate when people brush their in the bathrooms. or wash their lunch dishes. there is no garbage disposal or even a drain so the food particles just sit in the sink looking like vomit chunks.
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I just stumbled across your blog today, and it’s hilarious! Bathrooms of coworkers…awkward!
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What a brilliant post :0)
I have to say that one of the things that annoys me most is when I hear the person in the cubicle next to me holding a conference call with clients. While on the toilet! Seriously, I would’a hung up and cancelled my contract! And it’s not as if the clients can’t tell, either, the rooms echoey, and people keep flushing the other toilets! Mobile phones have their uses, but there are some situations where they should be banned!
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