i’d show you my asshole but it’s not pink enough
as a blogger sometimes people send me things they think would make good post material and sometimes i have to agree with them. the victoria’s secrets love your body campaign was one. and this is another:
what. a. riot. now anyone who knows me, knows i’m okay with showing some cleavage. especially if it’s bodacious. i mean, why hide an asset? i’m a “rock what your mamma gave you” kind of girl. so i would never spend 10 knockers for the cami secret. but i do get a kick out of it because it was obviously invented by a woman. men must want to kick the woman who invented it in the cooch.
and that just feels like sweet revenge for all of the motherfucking sinister things men have invented. like:
the mammogram:we can put men on the moon but we can’t figure out a better way to image the boobage other than having a tech with cold hands take our precious mammaries and shove them into a gigantic metal vice grip?
brazilian bikini wax: what if we take your balls and gob hot wax on small areas at a time and then tear off the hair with a piece of heavy duty shipping tape. the kind of tape that takes the cardboard with it when you remove it from the package. oh yeah and we do this to your asshole, too. burn much?
toronto trim:this is the reduction of the labia and slight unhooding of the clitoris. men invented this because they couldn’t figure out what to do down there and needed everything to be more visible. so mutilate a woman. how about googling that shit. here’s your search term: “little man in the boat“
birth control pill: how about you take something that will make you have wild-ass mood swings, put on 10-15 pounds, and decrease your sex drive? and don’t forget to take it or you may have intermittent red bull spotting. i can’t imagine why the male pill hasn’t gone to market yet.
flarp noise putty:unlike most girls who pretend to think farts are funny and who watch sports on tv or at bars just to impress the Y chromosome, i think farts are fartarded. why are toxic gasses released from your asshole that smell like sulphur funny? someone please clue me in.
why are you laughing?
anal bleaching: only someone who thinks farts are funny would think the woman’s poop hole could be lighter, brighter, or pinker. just last night i was down on all fours with my ass facing a big mirror and holding a handheld mirror so i could examine the coloring of mine. cuz that’s how i roll. i don’t care if my bunghole is three shades of chartreuse i’m not taking motherfucking crest white strips to my anus. see brazilian waxing above for further explanation.
women’s restrooms: in stadiums, concert halls, and theaters the ratio of women to stalls is typically 50,672 to 4. and i like to drink in these venues. so i get to miss the the excitement when my favorite act comes on stage and instead spend 96 minutes in line where i overhear things like “i can’t text him. he motherfucking chewed my phone, now i need a new one.” awesome.
hymen reconstruction surgery: virgins don’t exist. except in mythology. fuck you.
what else should be on this list?
Haha
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I’m so incredibly attracted to you right now.
Pink is the new brown.
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hey, i LIKE flarp
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Maybe the woman who invented the cami secret could put her efforts into inventing an armpit secret for my husbands wet pit spots.
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I am so buying the boob burka for all my large chest friends for christmas. Thanks for the idea!!!! I am not saying they are attention whores, just thinking that they would be better of being liked for their brains is all.
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Mammograms- invented by Bin Laden to torture American women for our disrespectful ways and for flaunting our chesticles, obviously. Fucker!
Brazilians- Horrible, but everything feels so good once it’s over.
Toronto trim- OMJ, I can’t even talk about this, WTF??!!
Birth Control Pill- Wasn’t able to take them, because of my early battle with cancer, I was advised against them, so I never did the Pill. Sounds really shitty, though.
Flarp- Instant reason not to date a man.
Anal Bleaching- Seriously, do you want to stare at it or do something with it? Just sayin.
Women’s Restrooms- That’s why I simply shout out “Girl coming through” as I enter the Men’s Room. The guys always have empty stalls and are very accomodating.
Hymen Reconstruction- Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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johnny – thanks doll!
fym – girl crush is now reciprocal!
ken- i know. but even you can’t make farts funny. blech.
carrie – brilliant!
linda – i like the black one.
shawn – epic comment! thank you, love.
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Best. Post. Title. Ever.
I want to make out with you so much right now I’d almost consider licking your hyper-pigmented bung hole. Oh god I just grossed myself out again.
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your shit is so off-the-hook funny that I might have to go buy some Depends for the next post :] Toronto Trim HA!
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elly lou – and i might consider using a bleaching cream just for you. mwuah!
pjk – oh no, now i feel pressure. what if the next post is all mushy and about kittens?
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dude, the toronto trim concept just made me puke in my mouth a little. the shit men invent, i swear. i just want the boob job thing where you don’t have to wear a bra anymore. how cool would that be?!
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I’m pretty sure I gave myself am toronto trim in my early twenties…with a tine pair of scissors that were NOT curved for my pleasure….me and my Hooch we been through it all. Except the bleaching….hmmm?
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@patty punker
oh, come ON…. even your most mushy post so far (the pugs) was injected with heaps of dry wit and Pnkr-nezz… rock on.
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marymac – do i ever want that boob job! upright and gravity-resistant? invented by a woman, fo sho.
vapid – ooooooooh. i’m so sorry. hopefully you have better tools now that you’re older and wiser.
pjk – i adore you.
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I remember when a bunch of us guys sat around drinking beer and we came up with the mammogram. We had a pretty good laugh about that one!
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The “Cami-secret” represents a sad day for men all over the world and an simply terrible idea by women.
I have a “no cleavage, no attention policy”. If you want me to listen to you I need to be visually enticed in some way! Covering your cleavage just makes you less interesting and thought provoking. Sheesh!
A very angry man.
http://www.stuff-about,com
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LMAO This is hilarious! Damn, I can’t believe men did this to us! It makes me want to stop shaving my hooha, legs and arms.
Ok, I couldn’t do it… I feel all fuzzy and itchy when I don’t shave. just can’t do it.
And thanks for the new phrase. I try to learn something new everyday… unfortunately ‘toronto trim’ was it. Now I’m going to have to google that shit when I get home, dammit.
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HL – oh blame it on the PBRs
AL – hahahahahahaha!
Kernut – welcome doll! shaving is good. waxing is brutality.
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I have to admit that I have been lured into by the brazilian and men’s restrooms but have been lucky enough to remain far away from the others. And men wonder why we get bitchy when these are the inventions they think up!
Thanks for the laugh…much needed this work day!
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Maybe I’m missing something. If you dont want the twins out there, why buy the shirt in the first place?
Toronto Trim?!?! There just aren’t enough parts down there to get all lost, confused and require this sort of intervention. Why do so many of my brothers insist on embarrassing me? Do I need to start revoking some Y chromosomes?
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jeane – so glad you stopped by! do we get bitchy?
omawarisan – excellent point — stupid shirt, girl! and yes, you are now the magnate: start revoking Y licenses.
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So on the flarp, my daughter Ivy thinks it’s hysterical and she’s a girl, but not really a human, so not sure about that.
I’ve had some of the stuff done on this list. And I know someone who did the reverse virgin thing. And she’d had like 5 kids and got remarried and wanted to give her new husband her virginity for his birthday. I was like WHAT? I mean can you imagine? Do you think he came home from work and they went out to a romantic candlelight dinner and then he popped her cherry? And then they put the kids to bed? I mean WHAT?
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tara – hilarious! yeah, seems anti-climatic. and to have surgery all for a quick pop doesn’t make sense. especially if she had to wash the sheets as a result.
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Is that Cami secret thing for real?? At first I thought it was a joke. Funny!
Funny, we think along the same lines. We wrote a post called “The Looming Forest” about body hair, etc.
Women have to do way more shit than men. It’s totally unfair, but you have so much more interesting stuff to mess with.
I think all men need to get waxed at some point or another before they ask their woman to do the same. I’m not saying I’ve done it, but I’d be game. No pain, no gain I say.
Bleaching the anus might be going too far. In general, I think the “NO HAIR” thing has gone too far. I think we’re headed back to natural body hair and Patchouli.
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one of the guys – we do think along the same lines. and that last line in your comment cracked my ass up!
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I nearly had to close my eyes the whole way through this post. I peeked through my fingers briefly to read the words anal bleaching and now I’m off work sick…
PS I don’t Twitter because I’m bloody lazy but you can find me on Facebook under Eternally Distracted and my posts feed there…
in the meantime stop scaring me!
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Toronto Trim!?!? Luckily my labia got sucked back up into my cavernous cervix after giving birth to my second child. Its way more manageable now, who knew I was so trendy!
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distracted – glad i could get you out of work.
mombshell – bwahahaha!
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So the brazillian is bad huh? Have you heard of the triple crown? It’s aka the back, sack & crack wax? Yea, it is what you think.
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derek – yowsa!
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Hope you had a good weekend.
Looking forward to your next post. What else will you reveal??
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HOLLAH! @patty punker
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Oh ah!!!!!!!!! I SO WANT A CAMI SECRET! I want one, like, YESTERDAY!
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I was just browsing and the” pink anus” line caught my attention…because I too cannot believe this shit! Anyway great stuff here! Found ya via my friend Kristin via Shauna Glenn. New to blogging. Very funny lady!
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home pregnancy-testing kits?, panty hose?bunghole is three shades of chartreuse …..how do you tan where the sun dont shine, or is that a permanent tan? Hell just wash it . that would make me happy, and if i wasn’t happy about the color, wouldn’t that make me prejudice?
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