i’m in big trouble
so my husband discovered my blog yesterday. he knew i had a blog. it was no secret. but he never expressed any interest in reading it. then he decided to. and boy was he pissed. pissed out of his ever-loving mind. especially with the posts related to my dirty little secret (aka my one true love).
i tried to tell him that i was attempting to emulate similar posts from some of the female bloggers I worship wherein they talked about celebrity crushes. like this one from mommy wants vodka or this one from chrissy.
i tried to explain that this was a humor blog, complete fiction and utter rubbish. he said it wasn’t fucking funny. not one bit. obviously my post read nothing like the posts of those who I tried to mimic. because i suck like a fucking roto rooter sewer line cleaner. i suck shit and i failed to accomplish anything even remotely close to humor.
i don’t know why anyone would take the stuff i write here seriously, unless i consider how poorly it is written and how it fails to convey the desired tone. i pull most of this shit from my ass. (we all say we can’t pull stuff from our ass, but we can! try it sometime. it’s actually fun.) but really this is a bunch of crapola. hugely deficient of anything meaningful. it’s just an outlet for all of the bizarre shit i’ve been storing in my ass.
but he did take it real serious and he said it was hurtful and mean. woooooooooooooo. flashing lights. feeling faint. sick to my stomach. the last thing i ever would have wanted to do with this stupid diversion is to be hurtful. for that i am extremely sorry. so sorry. the more i think about what a douche i am, the more i understand why my husband or anyone would hate me.
my entire life i have managed to show a lack of good judgement and to be completely inappropriate. not to mention full of social anxiety and awkwardness. as a friend of mine described, i am painfully shy but radically exhibitionist. in other words, i’m a complete assbag. i don’t bring any soundness or grace to anything. i’m a bull in a china shop. anytime i’m surrounded by something pleasant and good, i’ll charge it with with my horns, buck and kick all over the place, and fuck it the fuck up. yep, that’s me.
so if this blog becomes a blogumentary about my divorce proceedings, you’ll know why. and because i “publically” hurt my husband, i felt the need to publically apologize. yes, i did try to apologize in person, too, but it didn’t go over very well.
but i am glad i have this blog to be able to write this shit out of my system. otherwise, i’d be constipated for at least a week over this particular mess.
Oh No…I totally read that has PUBICALLY HURT your husband and I was like woah…that IS low. (wink wink…get it…low)
I am probably not helping the situation, but darling I understand. I am one of the most socially awkwards out there.
I hope he forgives you and that you can both laugh at this somewhere down the line.
(((HUGS)))
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somebody got his attention but was it Patty Punker or the soulless copy witing robot…..I lauged therefore whoever it was doesn’t suck shit
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Okay, back that ass up and pull a few more things out of it. Like, for instance, the fact that we do think you’re fucking hilarious. Or the fact that getting your “inappropriate on” here is far better for you and him than to do it in real life, so maybe you’re helping him. (yeah, he isn’t seeing that right now, of course, but, he did make the choice not to read your blog until yesterday) Lover of All Things Wicked reads my stuff first thing when it has been posted. Once the shock wears off he will realize this is just another side of fabulous you!
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AVB – you crack my ass up. and so helped the situation. can’t believe you’re a socially awkard. woot the woot. ps: thank you for the hugs. xoxo
RJ – you’re amazing. i love the internet cuz i find people like you.
WS – wow, wow, wow. i so want to give you sexual favors in exchange for your wisdom.
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don’t sweat the small stuff. it’s all small stuff.
somehow, he feels embarrassed.
ease his pain with blow jobs. works every time!
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Patti, you are who you are and your friends love you for it and so does he. He married you and this is you. I think this is probably some what is “the writer’s dilemma.” You must write about what is inside your head and sometimes what is inside your head hurts people.
You just gotta be who you be. I mean, when it is all said and done, who else are you going to be?
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Can I add one thing? If you can find something, anything that makes you feel sane in this crazy world you have to just go with it. It ain’t always such an easy place to be. I hope he understands that at least.
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ken – thank you for the perspective. no doubt he would like your solution.
linda – you’re empathy blows my mind! you have this amazing insight and understanding of all things. i know i gotta be me or else it starts to hurt me in weird places, but the truth is, i really want to be you. that would cure me.
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Ouch! There have been a few posts that I’ve written that I know if certain people read them it would cause them pain, but luckily none of them even know about my blog. BUT I’m always afraid that certain people will find my blog and have been tempted time and time again to start a new and anonymous blog (a lot of people that I know in real life know about my blog) but I know I never will.
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i too have considered going really underground. so many of us don’t want to be found out. and have anxiety over the thought of it. but doesn’t if feel soooo good to not censor yourself!
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Indeed it does!
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@Linda Okey dokey, you be me and i’ll be you. Then I would have talent and you wouldn’t. Ha Ha Ha!
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We love ya Pattypunker!
I think we have all been enjoying this blog and take it to be good old fashioned humor. TOP TO BOTTOM.
Hope it works out!
http://www.stuff-about.com
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I’ve confronted this over and over on my blog over the years. I used to write about much more personal topics, and if one of my friends found the blog they would spend DAYS reading the archives, looking for mentions of themselves. And then I’d get emails about things I had written months prior, like, “Why didn’t you tell me you felt that way?”
As for my own relationship, I’ve found it useful with E to establish that the blog features a “blog reality edit.” Like many autobiographies, I might exaggerate slightly for effect, skip small bits of action, or combine the actions of two similar actors into one. She used to mind when she was implicated in those situations, but after we established a ground rule for how it worked (and for things she’d prefer me to not misquote) the sailing was smoother.
It sounds like with Mr. Punker you might want to chat about what level of blog-adultery he is comfortable with you committing
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Maybe he should guest post on your blog … give him the chance to dish a little, divulge his own imaginary girlfriends, throw you under the bus or something similarly cleansing.
Speaking of cleansing, maybe a colonic is in order. Say it with me … “Video Blog”
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patty punker Reply:
March 12th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
AL: thank you. you are legendary.
Krisis: i pull from all over, too. but mostly from my ass. this is pretty sound advice, my friend.
MS: i’ve always a wanted a colonic! the video would be suitably humiliating.
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what will be will be and you are a fabulous writer…..
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Listen, Patty, tell your hubby to man up and get over it! How come men are allowed to constantly talk about their fantasy women and comment about how hot this one is and how hot that one is? We as women, put up with it every damn day. I say DOUBLE-FUCKING-STANDARD, and it’s bullshit! If they’re allowed to comment about other women, then we’re allowed to comment about other men!
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